Please Jump Off the Bluewater Bridge, Joseph Hayes

Up until a few hours ago, I had no clue who Joseph Hayes was and, trust me, that was probably for the best for all parties involved. But now I am acutely aware of this Stage 4 Shithead, so I’ve gotta interrupt my Sergei Fedorov Five Goal Holiday to write the following diatribe.

It would appear that Hayes is a sports writer for something called The Times Herald which, as best I can tell, is a small newspaper in that booming metropolis of Port Huron. Hayes is out there killing it as he possesses fewer Twitter followers than my former second-in-command who himself developed a new website back in July and hasn’t written an article since the day it debuted.

Hayes went from total obscurity to the front-burner this evening when I started receiving emails, Twats and Facebook messages alerting me to his utter buffoonery in a column he posted today entitled, “Detroit Lions coach Jim Caldwell’s hot seat tied to racism.”

I can’t even do this steaming pile of horse dung justice without providing you with his inane thoughts on this subject followed by my commentary ……

The Lions have enjoyed “historic success” under the Comatose Wonder? They are about to wrap up their fourth season under the Reverend Jim and they have ZERO PLAYOFF VICTORIES to show for it. The same number they won under Monte Clark, Darryl Rogers, Bobby Ross, Marty Mornhinweg, Steve Mariucci, Rod Marinelli and Jim Schwartz. What the fuck is historic about THAT? This is a league about winning in the postseason. Caldwell has had four kicks at the can and he has failed to accomplish that minimal feat.

Lies? Erroneous reports? The Lions wanted Ken Whisenhunt. It was in all of the papers, but I guess that news didn’t makes its way to the Bluewater Bridge. Instead, Whisenhunt chose the Tennessee Titans. It was so painfully obvious that Caldwell was AT BEST the Lions’ second choice that neither ex-team President Tom “Breath Mints” Lewand nor then- GM Martin Mayhew would take questions from the gathered media at Caldwell’s introductory presser because they knew Whisenhunt’s name would come up.

What planet is this fuckstick on?

Never had a honeymoon? In his first year Caldwell enjoyed a charmed life in Detroit with almost zero media criticism whatsoever as the team went 11-5 before losing to Dallas in the first round of the playoffs. And as I wrote back in 2014 in real time, due to Caldwell’s stubbornness, he cost the Lions their best chance at a Super Bowl berth during my time on Earth.

The 2014 squad had BY FAR the best defense they’ve ever had in my lifetime, led by Ndamukong  Suh, a healthy and primed DeAndre Levy, Glover Quin, James IhedigboDarius Slay, Ziggy Ansah and others. The Lions were 3rd in the league in points against that season and their advanced metrics ranked up there with some of the best d-units in this century.

But the offense was a fucking mess led by the in-over-his-head, clueless Joe Lombardi. The offensive coordinator somehow took a team that possessed Matthew Stafford, Calvin Johnson, Theo Riddick, Golden Tate and Reggie Bush and formed a 22nd-ranked offense.

While that season was transpiring I was on this website BEGGING Caldwell to do something … ANYTHING ….. to not waste the best chance this organization had to win a postseason game since January 5, 1992, including the drastic measure of Caldwell himself taking over the play-calling from the doofus who sullied his family’s heritage while he was OC of the Lions.

Even though it was well known that Caldwell had been so on the outs in Baltimore as THEIR offensive coordinator the previous year that the Ravens were ecstatic when the Lions hired him as their head coach as it took them out of the unenviable position of implementing their rumored plan to FIRE Caldwell.

But Caldwell kept allowing Lombardi to misuse all of the weapons at his disposal, including refusing to allow Stafford to throw the ball vertically. By the time Caldwell decided to punt from midfield instead of going for it on 4th-and-1 late in the fourth quarter in Dallas, we were just a Sam Martin shanked punt away from the Lions blowing their best chance at an NFC Championship in my lifetime.

Yes, even moreso than in the ’91 season when the Lions wouldn’t have defeated D.C. in 86 tries. (Yes, that’s the combined number of points the Washington Football Team scored that season against Detroit across two games.)

What continues to get lost in all of this discussion about Caldwell’s tenure in Detroit is he is the first head coach since George Wilson to enjoy the services of a high-quality QB. And Caldwell has parlayed that into jack shit. While wasting away the last couple years of Calvin’s Hall of Fame career.

He won twice at Lambeau? Let’s throw him a fucking parade. One win was against a Packer team with the historically bad Brett Hundley under center. (Because Green Bay didn’t want to try to salvage their season by signing Colin Kaepernick. Ya know, real racism and blackballing.)

I also recall Caldwell losing at home to the Packers, costing the team its first divisional title since Gennifer Flowers was in the news.

“He turned Stafford into the most clutch quarterback in NFL history.” Hahahahhahaahahhahahhahaha. Can you imagine someone reading that in places like Green Bay, Pittsburgh or Boston where  … ya know … their QBs have won POSTSEASON GAMES?.

Future head coaches? Teryl Austin has gone on more auditions than Johnny Drama without getting a gig and Jim Bob Cooter isn’t getting a sniff, either.

This article is absolutely astonishing and I haven’t even reached the meaty parts yet.

This is absolutely incredible stuff here from this dolt. Mike Zimmer coaches the Vikings. Minnesota is currently 12-3 and, when they annihilate the Bears this weekend, they will have earned a FIRST-ROUND BYE. And they are doing all of it with their THIRD-STRING QUARTERBACK!!!!!!

This is the coach Hayes believes should be on the hot seat? What world am I living in? And 95% percent of folks in Dallas-Fort Worth want Jason Garrett ridden out on a rail or buried at Southfork Ranch next to Jock Ewing in an unmarked grave. Just because Jerry Jones won’t pull the trigger doesn’t mean the city isn’t up in arms. Does everyone in the Metroplex hate gingers, you god damn nimrod?

More support for Jeff Blashill? Well, this column demonstrates there is ONE PERSON in the world who thinks Caldwell should stay, which means, algebraically, that is more than those who want “The Naked Goalie” to survive this season.

For fuck’s sake, Ken Holland has tangentially been part of four Stanley Cups and the fanbase is almost universally supportive of him getting shitcanned as well. Last time I checked, Ken is white. Maybe Detroiters just hate dwarfs or some shit.

To claim that people want Caldwell gone because of the color of his skin is absolutely preposterous. The same people were screaming for Schwartz’s head four years ago and that dude is whiter than pure heroin. Look, I am sure there are plenty of racists who want Caldwell gone, but those same people would watch a Def Comedy Jam marathon on New Year’s Day if it meant a chance to get Mike Tomlin to Ford Field.

Lions fans want a winner before they drop dead like my father did almost two years ago, a huge supporter of this garbage franchise who passed away before he ever saw them get to a Super Bowl. And when four years pass and they see no postseason results, fans are going to scream like hell to get someone in here who can win in January.

Whether that person is white, black, orange or green.

I am sure there are some Donald-Trump-supporting, white-supremacist-leaning cunt bags in Macomb County who would suck on Samuel L. Jackson’s warm, black dingus if it meant a Super Bowl parade down Woodward.

And while another coach in town (Stan Van Gundy) that Hayes maligned in his article is passionately defending African-American athletes in Time magazine op-ed pieces, Caldwell has done absolutely nothing of consequence to speak out against the horrific racial climate we are currently suffering through. Something DSR contributor Roy Harris wrote about before this trash of Hayes’ dropped tonight.

The list of people who think Caldwell should be shown the door is a long one and includes journalists like Kyle Meinke, Justin Rogers, Bob Wojnowski, Dave Birkett, Michael Rothstein, Carlos Monarrez and a litany of other caucasians and people of color. Are all of those gentleman racist as well, you ignoramus?

We live in a fucked up world. The Attorney General of this country was once denied a federal judgeship due to accusations of racism. The leading lawman in our country was thought to be a sympathizer of the KKK back in the Ronald Reagan eighties. The President himself supported the death penalty for a group of young black men even AFTER DNA evidence cleared them of murder. And let’s not even delve into the fact that he still questions the legitimacy of our first African-American President.

We live in a country of so many racial inequalities it’s depressing to list — from mass incarceration to police abuse — and this motherfucker is going to marginalize REAL RACISM with this NONSENSE??!?!?!?!?!?? While a few miles down the road an entire city’s water system was POISONED by a governor who clearly didn’t give a rat’s ass about black folks?

Get the fuck out of here.

Just minutes after reading this third-trimester abortion of a column, I was sent a link to ANOTHER Joseph Hayes post in The Times Herald that actually infuriated me more than the Caldwell drivel. It would seem that Hayes is not only a sports columnist for this birdcage liner; he is also the paper’s RELIGION expert.

I. Shit. You. Not.

This cunt is like a living amalgamation of Vincent Goodwill and Jerry Falwell that was created in Dr. Alphonse Mephesto’s laboratory.

Hayes posted a piece lavishing praise on the Trump administration for their decision to recognize Jerusalem as the capital of Israel. This column is so offensive that war criminal Benjamin Netanyahu himself would think it a bridge too far.

(And yes, this Jew who had a Bar Mitzvah just called the Israeli Prime Minister a war criminal. Stop the bullshit with expanding the settlements and I’ll stop.)

Keep in mind, in his article about Caldwell, Hayes wrote the following about the oppression of African-Americans in this country ….

The same person who has experienced that type of despicable racism in America has absolutely ZERO empathy for the plight of Palestinians in the Middle East …..

Can you imagine being THAT obtuse and small-minded that you can’t see the correlation????? Hayes mentions the difficulties suffered by Israel, but spends absolutely no time discussing the conditions of Palestinians. Instead, this piece-of-trash human states that “backing Israel is one of the greatest ways our country will obtain favor from God.”

Because a book of fiction written 2,000 years ago by MEN led him to believe this nonsense. This shit stain has an imaginary friend in the sky who he speaks to and because of that mental disorder, Palestinians have no right to their own autonomy.

I never thought I’d wake up today and need to record an emergency broadcast with Bill Barnwell and Glenn Greenwald …. on the same freaking SUBJECT.

Believe it or not, The Times Herald is a Gannett entity and a sister paper to the Free Press. And they allow him to write this in their pages …..

Did I just get Baptized reading that article? What in the name of holy fuckery is going on in Port Huron that they allow this?

This hypocritical douche nozzle ruined the only holiday I care about.

He forced me to shoot my wad regarding the Lions when I had an entire article dedicated to the Caldwell situation coming later this week.

And he caused me to fall behind on my Raggy preparation. I now only have two days left to work on the ceremony.

Please jump off the Bluewater Bridge at its apex. And if you don’t, at least get some work done on those gums.

Welp ….. I guess the conversion didn’t take.

(You can follow Moss on Twitter @JeffMossDSR. You can discuss this article on Facebook by clicking here. You can also go fuck yourself if you’d like. Totally up to you.)