Oh, The Poor Billionaires

It was going to take a lot to get me out of retirement, but if anyone had the capacity to get me to give two shits about the Detroit sports scene again it surely was going to be Chris “Officer Barbrady” McCosky.

So if you are glad to have DSR content back for the time being, you can thank this brown-nosing, fucknut Detroit Tigers beat writer from the Detroit News.

Yes, an alleged adult with a supposedly developed brain Tweeted that out on Monday morning.

I am not even sure where I should begin in dissecting this god damn drivel, but how about by discussing the finances of this “Ma and Pa” family that owns the Tigers. Ya know, the Ilitch Clan.

Back in 2017 when Mike Ilitch and his hairpiece called it a day, the family’s net worth was north of SIX BILLION DOLLARS. At the time of that report from Forbes, the stock market was hovering around 19,800. The Dow Jones is currently at 30,074 as I type this so how do you think that growth impacted the Ilitches’  bottom line? I am guessing TONS.

Not to mention, the Ilitch family’s PRIMARY business is selling the public cheap, shitty pizzas. It’s basically one of the only pandemic-proof ventures you could be lucky enough to own. In fact, here are the top three pandemic-proof operations:

3) Terrible, inexpensive fast-food pizza

2) Senator of Georgia with a large stock profile and access to inside virus information

1) Personal Protection Equipment

Selling trash pies during a public health crisis is almost as fortuitous as my grandfather opening up a private insurance adjusting business a couple years before the 1967 riots.

And not only is the Ilitch family business THRIVING right now, it coincides with the Tigers having almost zero major budgetary issues other than Miguel Cabrera. With Jordan Zimmermann’s disastrous $25 million a year contract coming off the books, the Tigers are projected to have a payroll under $60 million for the 2021 season.

Yes, SIXTY MILLION.

Hell, Chris Ilitch is even completely off the hook for deferred payments to Prince Fielder next year.

This is a team that is now operating at a budget of one-third of what it was back in Mike’s heyday and the team is coming off four seasons where they have finished with the worst record in all of baseball TWICE, third worst once and fifth worst on another occasion. To put it politely, they’ve been total puke garbage since Trust Fund Chris took over for his dad.

Mind you, this is also the same family that took $324 MILLION in public funds from a BANKRUPT city to build a hockey arena with the promise of rejuvenating Midtown with commerce and housing developments that never materialized.

Instead a 78 percent African-American-composed city was provided a bunch of PARKING LOTS and a restaurant owned by a racist, Confederate-Flag-waving Trump hump dipshit named Bob Ritchie who also, by the way, christened the new arena with several concerts.

While we all wait for Spencer Torkelson, Casey Mize, Matt Manning, Tarik Skubal and Riley Greene to develop, we’ve been served a shit sandwich by Ilitch as we’ve watched former stars like Justin Verlander and Max Scherzer finally win the World Series ring we were deprived of in this city for a variety of reasons.

And not only has the product on the field been horrendous, Ilitch even went cheap when he allowed Fox Sports Detroit to hire a moron in Matt Shepard who can’t tell the difference between a Grayson Greiner weak pop-up to shallow left and a 500-foot moon shot by Aaron Judge.

The Tigers have been an absolutely miserable experience for years while we’ve been patiently awaiting Al Avila’s restocking the organization with young talent. And THAT plan is already at least one year behind schedule because he received barely ANYTHING of any value when dealing JV, Justin Upton, JD Martinez, Justin Wilson and Avila’s own son for young prospects back in 2017.

And now, after years of tolerance for this trash product, this imbecile McCosky is going to spin us a tale of woe for a billionaire family profiting from a pandemic and is going to tardsplain to us why Ilitch couldn’t possibly splurge for some big name free-agents after being promised that was the plan for FOUR YEARS?!?!??!!??

Get the fuck out of here, you subservient asshat. This team haa more holes in the lineup than Cabrera has illegitimate children and the time to start adding pieces is now, when the rest of the league is potentially penny pinching.

It’s actually an unbelievable opportunity for Ilitch to fast track the rebuild. While his primary source of income is thriving and others’ are struggling, he could ostensibly supplement the team’s cheap young talent with bargains for star players he couldn’t fathom a few years ago.

As the old adage goes “when there is blood on the streets …”

YOU SIGN HIGH VALUE TARGETS!!!!!!

Chris’ dad didn’t wait until the franchise was overflowing with young prospects to resurrect the team. No, he added Pudge Rodriguez and Magglio Ordonez and the team was finally revitalized after over a decade of embarrassing performances.

After the bait-and-switch this grifter Chris Ilitch pulled when receiving over 300 MILLION DOLLARS from the city of Detroit to build the LCA, the least he owes us fans is a jumpstart on this sputtering rebuild.

HEY!!! Remember when the LCA roof was going to look like this …..

And instead it ended up being a caricature of Chris’ dead dad in a TOGA!!!!!???

I mean, just look at the bill of goods that we were sold and then look at the soul-crushing reality.

Because that’s what the 1 percent do. They sell you on one thing and deliver something entirely different. Or as the great Anand Giridharadas likes to say, “Plutes are gonna plute.”

And while the rich do that, they will always have a lapdog in the media like McCosky telling you why it would be unthinkable for TRUST FUND BILLIONAIRES who won the sperm lottery to invest in a sports team that has deprived its fanbase of any joy for over four seasons.

Fucking pick a lake already, Chris.

Or go breathe in Rudy Giuliani’s Covid farts.

You insufferable billionaire bootlicker.