Lions/Cowboys Playoff Diary

By Jeff Moss
January 4, 2015

I have been alive for a grand total of 15,451 days. I have viewed the fall of communism; the election of an African-American President; the invention of an artificial heart; the advent of cable television and the Internet; and the destruction of the World Trade Center.

What I have not seen during those 15,451 days on Planet Earth is a Detroit Lions playoff victory on the road.

What I have witnessed the following in playoff road games for the NFL team I was cursed to follow: blowouts in the nation’s capital on THREE occasions; Eddie Murray shanking the one pressure kick in his Lions career in San Fran; Barry Sanders rushing for negative yardage at Lambeau Field; a humiliation of epic proportions as a road FAVORITE in Philly; humongous loser Scott Mitchell FAKING an injury in Tampa; and Drew Brees desecrating our secondary like he was playing Mattel Electronic football.

The team is 0-8 in road postseason tilts since I was born and most can be remembered for some hilarious pratfall. And while I don’t think that streak is going to end today with the Lions as six-point underdogs, I figured if they do the unthinkable I should be here to chronicle it.

Even though doing these “diaries” is horrible. Not that I am comparing myself to Anne Frank but this shit is laborious. I didn’t finish editing last Sunday’s Green Bay play-by-play until nearly 3am; I can see why Bill Simmons stopped doing them.

Well, that and he is too busy provoking his bosses to fire him …when he is not penning 5,000-word articles about a league (the NBA) nobody cares about.

And away we go ………

4:41: The Lions are kicking off this afternoon which means Ndamukong Suh will have the first chance to do commit a suspendible offense as opposed to Dominic Raiola. I am not saying a lot of idiots come out of Nebraska but the sequel to the Alexander Payne film of the same name will feature Bruce Dern stomping on Will Forte’s leg.

4:44: A horrible start for Tony Romo (1-3 in his postseason career) as he throws a “Stafford” over the head of an open receiver on 3rd and 7, forcing the Cowboys to punt. Nice three-and-out for the second ranked defense in the NFL.

4:45: Golden Tate makes his first punt return of the season and promptly gets “Baylor Bear kicker’d” by Dallas’ C.J. Spillman just yards away from the site of Thursday’s attempted homicide.

4:45: Whoa! The first Lions offensive play from scrimmage is a pass instead of a run up the middle. Of course, it is a short Reggie Bush catch masquerading as a run for zero yards.

4:47: Tate doesn’t need to Tweet that he is still alive because he just gave proof of life by catching a Matthew Stafford pass and taking it to the house for a 51-yard touchdown.

It was imperative for this woeful offense to get off to a good start and they did just that.

Lions 7 Cowboys 0

4:49: Tate and DeMarco Murray are on the field and Joseph Fauria is watching from a suite. A Lions victory would guarantee a matchup next week in Seattle versus Rusty Wilson. I am not sure if that potential game should be called by Joe Buck or Joey Greco …. the host of “Cheaters.”


4:53: On 3rd and 10, Italian Matt Stafford completes a pass to Cole Beasley for a first down.

4:55: Beasley can’t bail the Cowboys out this time as an awful Romo throw leads to another Dallas punt.

4:56: The Cowboys get a lucky bounce on a shanked punt and — combined with a half-the-distance personal foul penalty against the Lions — this drive is going to start about a pubic hair short of the goal line.

5:00: A couple of runs and an incomplete pass to Bush means Sam Martin has to punt from his own end zone. Obviously, Martin learned how to act from his pal David Arquette this past offseason and gets rewarded with a running into the punter flag. First down Lions.

5:04: Stafford runs for a huge first down after dodging a tackle from a small cornerback. Somewhere, Mitchell is wondering why Stafford didn’t fall down before the marker and then fake a brain injury. And by somewhere, I am talking about an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet.

5:07: We are at commercial and Fox is drilling us with ads for their new Terrance Howard vehicle, “Empire.” I am pretty sure it’s about a hip-hop impresario, which is pretty disappointing.

I’d rather “Empire” have been solely about what went down in “The Empire Strikes Back” when the doors closed in the DINING ROOM of Lando Calrissian’s Cloud City. I mean, whose idea was it to invite Han and Leia to the DINING ROOM? Ok, so it was a ruse to get them there to meet Vader and Boba Fett, but why the fuck did Lord Vader sit down at the head of the table?

Were they about to break bread? Could Anakin Skywalker even eat normal food with his daughter and future son-in-law through that contraption? And what about Boba Fett? Did he ever take that helmet off to dine?

Come on people, this has been driving me crazy now for 33 years!!!!


5:08: A combination of a Joique Bell run and and a reception has the Leos down to the Cowboys’ 21. It seems that Bell has been playing better lately now that fellow Wayne State alum Casey Kasem finally received a proper burial.

5:11: WHOA! The Corpse of Reggie Bush runs 21 yards to paydirt and the Lions look like they are clicking on all cylinders. The last time we saw the USC product make moves like that he still had both his Heisman Trophy and Kim Kardashian’s ass.

Lions 14 Cowboys 0

What is going on here? Why hasn’t Rod Serling replaced Chris Myers on the sideline?

5:14: No, really, did Vader try to make small-talk with Solo? Did he ask him if there was any turbulence on the Millennium Falcon on the flight in? What the fuck did they sit down to talk about?!?!?!?

Were there appetizers?

God damn it all, Lucas.

5:18: Romo fumbles after getting crushed by Ziggy Ansah and Darryl Tapp at the same time but Dallas recovers. A turnover there and the rout might have been on.

5:19: Jason Jones gets a large piece of the ball on a 3rd-and-12 pass but Jason Witten still incredibly catches the ball for a first down.

5:22: The Lions blitz and Romo is sacked by James Ihedigbo. Two things we didn’t see much of last week. Blitzing and James Ihedigbo.

5:23: On 3rd and 19, Romo throws another awful pass which leads to another punt by the home team. I am starting to get a little concerned because #2PlayoffWinsIn57Years really does not have much of a ring to it. But the Lions are dominating this game.

5:28: Tate gains another first down with a catch to his own 31 on third down.

5:29: Another bullet by Stafford, this time to Calvin Johnson. Has Joe Lombardi been sandbagging us all year long and didn’t want to release the hounds until the playoffs?

5:31: Umm, maybe not. A Lions drive finally sputters. It is still 14-0 Lions and you couldn’t ask for much more from the six seed up to this point.

5:33: My first Tweet of the game as I am trying to go relatively Twitter silent while I write this blog …….

5:34: “Spray Tan” finally gets his Coppertone on as he bursts through the Lions’ defensive line for a gain of 18 yards.

5:36: It’s 3rd and 3 and here comes another Witten reception for a first down. Who has been together longer at this point, Romo and Witten or Jerry Stiller and Anne Meara?

5:38: Another jailbreak gets Romo. The Lions have officially blitzed more this afternoon than they did during the entire Jim Schwartz regime. And then on 3rd and 15, Romo short-arms a pass. The defense is playing outstanding and Romo looks like Frank Tanana …. after all of the arm surgeries.

5:39: Jeremy Ross dodges a huge bullet as he drops the punt but, luckily, gets it back. With the way the offense and defense are playing it would seem only something idiotic on special teams or a dumb turnover could get Dallas back in this game.

5:43: The Fox cameras catch Joe Lombardi picking his nose. Fucking gross. I am not sure if this is a coincidence but the Lions offense is called for a delay of game. Did Lombardi prioritize clearing away snot over getting the play in to #9?

Insert your own forced and awful Matt Dery/Tom Mazawey “Seinfield” joke here.



5:44: A horrible drive by Detroit — showing no killer instinct whatsoever — leads to a punt. But Dallas is doing their best Lions impression as they take a holding penalty. Instead of starting this crucial drive with good field position, they will commence it at their own 26.

5:48: We have reached the two-minute warning. Did Leia bring up to Vader his blowing up her HOME planet of Alderaan at that dining room table? I mean, talk about awkward.

5:52: A 3rd-and-2 completion by Romo is negated by a very questionable offensive pass interference call on Terrance Williams. It would appear the Lions are using up 56 years of good fortune in the first half of this game.

5:53: Well, Williams obviously didn’t like that bullshit call – or his alma mater losing to the Spartans on this same field on Thursday — as he burns the Lions defense for a 76-yard touchdown catch on the very next play. The one thing Teryl Austin’s unit couldn’t do there is give up a big play and that is exactly what they did.

Look, the last time the Lions won a postseason game on the ROAD, Dwight Eisenhower was in office and Riley Reiff and Larry Warford wouldn’t have been able to pee in the same bathroom in Alabama.

And not because neither were born yet. If you are going to break a streak that predates the moon landing, you gotta play mistake-free.

Lions 14 Cowboys 7

5:56: The Leos start this drive at their own 20 with all three timeouts. They better not fuck around and get conservative. Get some fucking points back!!!

5:57: The Theo Riddick Experience is in the ballgame which means good things are happening. Two catches out of the backfield for Riddick as the Cowboys foolishly are playing a prevent.

5:59: Well, there goes the prevent defense as the Cowboys blitz Stafford — which leaves Megatron wide open for a first down. You have to love the Lions’ coaching staff not playing it safe on this drive. If you want to win on the road in the postseason, you can’t play scared™ (Gym Shorts) or go into a shell.

First down at the Dallas 41.

6:01: Tate makes a nice play to get the first down by stretching the ball past the marker even though the on-field referee doesn’t see it. Hopefully the review booth will correct this [Trout] awful spot.

6:02: Due to a ridiculous delay, Justin Rogers of advises on Twitter that the call is overturned a good 25 seconds before Fox’s broadcast provides the news. Janet Jackson’s tit and Tweetdeck have ruined the spontaneity in sports!!!

6:05: Whoa. Bruce Carter nearly intercepts a horribly-advised Stafford pass to Johnson in triple coverage. Kelly B. Hall is picking up her iPhone to Instagram that Bruce Carter never should have been in that position in the first place and that none of this was her fiancé’s fault.

6:06: After icing Matt Prater themselves, the Lions kicker BARELY sneaks the pigskin inside the left goalpost. BTW, has anyone else noticed that Prater looks a lot like Nick Swardson? Fitting, since Adam Sandler hasn’t produced a good movie since the last time the Lions won a playoff game.

Lions 17 Cowboys 7

6:14: For the second week in a row, I failed to get either Prince, Aerosmith or Kelly Clarkson to perform for you at halftime, so the following shall serve as your entertainment ….

The DSR’s second-in-command, Justin Spiro, has spent the last week in Dallas. First, he watched his beloved Spartans make an incredible comeback to defeat Baylor in the Cotton Bowl and he is in attendance at today’s Lions-Cowboys game.

Unfortunately, there was a four-day gap between the two contests and it would appear that Spy got bored as you can only visit Southfork and the place where JFK got gunned down so many times.

So what did @DarkoStateNews do to pass the time? He bizarrely created a story last night that he somehow recorded a version of the Lions fight song, “Gridiron Heroes,” with the team’s shill hype man, Theo Spight. Why did Spiro do this? I have no fucking clue, but it was hilarious nonetheless.

Of course, the grown man who calls himself “Gridiron” wasn’t exactly thrilled with being linked to the DetroitSportsRag, which made this nonsensical bit even more hilarious:

I am not sure why this is so god damn hilarious to me but I laugh every single time I read this shit.

Anyway, back to the game ……

6:22: The first offensive play of the second half results in a Kyle Wilber interception after the ball was tipped at the line of scrimmage. The ball was in the air for so long that Wilber could have watched tonight’s episode of “Downton Abbey” on the enormous video board above him while waiting for it to come down.

And the Season 5 debut is supposedly 75 minutes long!!!

6:25: After two inconsequential Dallas running plays, Ziggy Ansah sacks Romo. This is the Scott Linehan we all know and love. At least he isn’t picking his nose though.

Also, Ansah just became my favorite Ziggy, surpassing Ziggy Sobotka from Season 2 of “The Wire.” Maybe next season — when Ndamukong Suh leaves via free-agency — they can replace him with Frank Sobotka’s son’s duck.


6:25: After the Ansah sack, the most accurate field goal kicker in NFL history (Dan Bailey) misses a 41-yard field goal. The Lions dodge a huge bullet there. Is this really going to finally happen for us?

6:29: Brandon Pettigrew with a first-down catch. I actually forgot he was still on the team. What other Lions TE is going to catch a pass before Eric Ebron does this afternoon? Charlie Sanders? Rob Rubick? Can we get the Arlington authorities to issue an Amber Alert for Ebron?

6:31: Calvin Johnson with a 28-yard catch to the Cowboys’ 26 yard line. The good news is the Lions might win this game, the bad news is we’d be compelled to listen to more Aikman and Buck.

6:33: 3rd and 3 from the DAL 21. Detroit could have put the game away here but Tate falls down on his route, leading to a Grandma’s Boy field goal from 37 yards.

Lions 20 Cowboys 7

6:37: Who is creepier, 97.1’s Dan Leach or Larry the Dr. Pepper concession guy who has an unhealthy obsession with the NCAA National Championship trophy? I was told that Leach was discussing both giving girls “Pearl Necklaces” and having threesomes while filling in for Mike Stone on WXYT the other day.

Yep, Leach by first-round KO.

And I am pretty sure the Dr. Pepper dude is a pederast.

6:39: Linehan sure isn’t giving up on the run; DeMarco barrels through the Lions’ line for couple of first downs.

6:41: Wait, Teryl Austin is 49??!!?!? If you would have set the over/under on his age at 41, I would not have hesitated to go under. Has anyone ever waited until their almost 50 years old to get their first coordinator job and then jumped to a head coaching position the next season? I gotta say no. If Austin does get the Bills or 49ers gig he should have to give Suh a 10% annual royalty.

6:42: Dez Bryant finally makes an appearance; he gets the ball down to the 8 after a Tate-esque run-after-catch. The next play is a TD run by Spray Tan but a Witten holding call negates it. It would appear that William Clay Ford, Sr. is using ALL of his collateral with St. Peter this afternoon.

6:43: Beasley with another crucial catch as he burns Mohammed Seisay down the middle of the field; the Cowboys now have 2nd and goal from the three yard line. Say, Say What You Want But Don’t Play Games With My Affection is terrible. Didn’t want to trade down and draft a cornerback, Mayhew?

6:46: Suh tackles Murray short of the goal line on third down, but the defense can’t stop Spray Tan on fourth down as the running back prances into the end zone.

Lions 20 Cowboys 14

I’m starting to get a bad feeling about this ….

…… is something Han Solo most likely said in that Dining Room while eating pork chops with a galactic bounty hunter from outer space.

6:48: According to this commercial, the Dodge Boys left Ford Motor Company because they didn’t believe in the assembly line. It would have been a much better story if they broke away from Henry Ford tentacles because they couldn’t tolerate his virulent anti-Semitism.

6:51: Scott “The Gator” Anderson is about the same age as I am. He has never seen either a Lions road playoff victory or a female’s vagina in person. With just a few minutes left in the third quarter — and the Lions with both the lead AND the ball — it’s like the prostitute just took off her skirt. We are getting close, WHALE!!!!!

6:53: Call off the Amber Alert!!!! Call off the Amber Alert!!! We have found Eric Ebron. An eight-yard catch sets up a monumental 3rd-and-2.

6:53: A horribly-constructed pass play to Bush leads to another three-and-out. What an awful response from Joe Lombardi there. In fairness to Lombardi though, he MIGHT have had a booger lodged really deep in his nasal passage.

Play-calling like that is why this team has gone 57 years without winning a road postseason game. Well, that and they were run by a imbecilic drunk for that entire span.

The Cowboys will be getting the ball back with a chance to take their first lead.

6:55: Beasley AGAIN!! A 19-yard reception against this piece of trash, Seisay. Meanwhile, Seisay just became my most hated Mohammed, passing Atta.


Can you imagine? WXYZ-7 hired a bigger fan boy than Brad Galli. How is that even POSSIBLE? It would be like the Lions hiring a more incompetent GM than Matt Millen.

Look, if I have to keep seeing Rod Marinelli on the opponent’s sideline, I am getting in my obligatory shot at Millen.

7:00: White-Trash Wes Welker catches another pass and this time Tahir Whitehead launches himself at the receiver’s head and gets a 15-yard penalty tacked on. First down from the Lions’ 18 for Dallas. This shit is starting to fall apart.

7:01: Suh spends more time chasing Romo around the field than Ross did Rachel in the first season of “Friends” and he finally pulls down the Dallas QB. I guess Tony is Ndamukong’s lobster. 

7:02: Suh sacks Romo AGAIN and now the most accurate field goal kicker in NFL history is lining up for a 51-yard attempt.

7:03: The lead is now down to three as Bailey drills this one. If the Lions win this game, you can thank “Next Question” for that series.

7:05: Oh, my lord. Ross is AWFUL. He idiotically decides to return a kick out of the end zone and gets tackled at the five. Booger Lombardi proceeds to shock everyone in attendance with a Bell run for negative one yard.

7:07: Corey Fuller catches a Stafford pass for a 21-yard gain which might end up being the play of the day.

7:09: 3rd and 8 and CalJo catches a perfect Stafford ball for a very important first down.

7:10: A couple of run plays set up what might be the biggest 3rd-and-1 play in our lifetimes as Lions fans.

7:11: A play-action to Pettigrew?!?!??!? Oy vey. Well, the Cowboys never could have seen that one coming. The biggest play of the season and Lombardi has Stafford throw the ball downfield to a dude who had TEN receptions for 70 yards ALL SEASON LONG!!!!

Seriously, Pettigrew only had 70 more yards of offense this season than Roary.

Thankfully, defender Anthony Hitchens both face-guarded and interfered with Pettigrew, leading to a pass interference call.


7:12 Ummm, the refs just picked up the flag. What? I have been watching football for many years and I can’t recall the officials ever picking up a flag THAT LATE.

The Lions just totally got fucked. I am neither a Lions slap nor do I believe in any NFL conspiracies –- if the fix was in, why did they call Witten for that insignificant holding penalty earlier? — but this is reprehensible.

It was a penalty. They called it. They marked off the yardage. And THEN they decided to reverse course and pick up the flag? It’s unprecedented. It is unheard of.

Vince McMahon, Tim Donaghy and Arnold Rothstein couldn’t concoct such a fraudulent turn of events with Earl Hebner acting as their stooge. 

We’ve had to suffer through the Laimbeer Phantom Foul; the Brandon Inge Game 163 ignored hit-by-pitch; the bullshit penalty on Pavel Datsyuk in Game 5 of the 2007 Conference Finals versus the Ducks; and now, THIS?????

We’re like Cleveland — just with eight more recent titles. 

7:13: Well, after that nonsense, it is now 4th and 1 and the offense is on the field. Obviously, if you throw the ball downfield on 3rd and 1 to a tight end with ten receptions on the season, you surely have to go for it on 4th and 1.

Annnnddddd of course, this was just posturing; Caldwell only had the offense on the field in an attempt to draw the Cowboys offside. Yeah, like nobody saw that coming.

You can talk all you want about the picked-up flag, but you can’t blame the refs for not going for this 4th and 1. You haven’t won a fucking playoff game in 23 years and you are going to punt …. IN THIS SITUATION!?!?!?!?

I have maintained all year that a horrid Caldwell in-game decision is going to cost the Lions in a HUGE GAME and here we are.

7:14: After the Comatose Cigar Store Indian’s cowardly decision to not go for it on 4th and 1, Martin shanks a 10-yard punt. THIS is how you go 56 years with only one playoff win ………..

You compound a bad officiating decision with a WORSE coach’s call and then execute a punt that could have been exceeded by Tom Cruise’s character in “Born on the Fourth of July.”

I guess Patricia Arquette is the one who taught Sam Martin how to punt in crucial situations. Like, how do you muff THAT? It’s reminiscent of Jose Iglesias booting an easy ground ball in the ninth inning of Game 2 of the 2013 ALCS.

7:17: DeMarco Murray picks up a first down. Here we go ….

7:21: On 4th and 6, Jason Witten is left WIDE OPEN and catches a 21-yard pass own to the Lions’ 21. I am not sure why Jason Garrett didn’t either punt or try to draw the Lions offside.

7:22: White-Trash Eric Decker is held by Don Carey. Another first down for the Cowboys.

7:25: On 3rd and 5, a defensive holding penalty is called on DeAndre Levy. No question that was the right call as it was a very similar situation to the hold that wasn’t called Thursday, leading to Connor Cook’s atrocious interception.

7:26: The Cowboys are now down to the Lions’ 3 yard line on a Murray run.

7:28: After a false start penalty pushes Dallas back to the 8 yard line, Romo connects with Williams in the back of the end zone for a TD pass. The meltdown is complete as the Cowboys have now scored 17 unanswered points.

Cowboys 24 Lions 20

7:29: After the Williams touchdown, the Fox cameras catch New Jersey governor and notorious obese slob Chris Christie celebrating with Jerry Jones in the owner’s suite.

Why is a Jersey-born-and-bred fatso rooting for the Cowboys anyhow? A GOP presidential candidate hasn’t won the Michigan electoral votes since the original George Bush did back in 1988, so Christie just went from having zero chance to win our state in 2016 to something even less than that.

7:30: Seriously, if Christie gets the GOP nomination, I just want Hillary to run an ad in Michigan showing that jiggling Christie slob stomping all over the hearts of the Mitten State’s voters in that suite.

Nothing about policy, Bridge-Gate or anything else. Just a continuous loop of his man boobs flopping in the air while he hugs Jerry Jones.


7:34: The Lions start their final drive on the Dallas 20.

Matt Stafford has a cap hit of $43 million over the next two seasons. EARN YOUR MONEY NOW.

7:35: I can’t believe what I just saw. Stafford fumbles (that part I believe), the Cowboys recover and then some oafish defensive lineman fumbles again and the Lions recover.

So, not only do the Lions get the ball back with a chance to still win the game, they get a FIRST DOWN out of the ordeal.

27 more breaks like that and the Lions will be even for the picked-up flag. And, after that comedy of errors, we have reached the two-minute warning. I think we are all going to need this timeout to catch our breath.

7:39: A pair of catches from Ebron and Tate and the Lions are moving the ball downfield.

7:40: For at least the fifth time today, Buck mentions that Stafford is from Highland Park, Texas. It would have been a better story if Stafford grew up in Highland Park, MICHIGAN.

Of course, he wouldn’t have lived to see his seventh birthday. Who can crack jokes at a time like this!!!!?!?!?!?!??!

7:41: Stafford finds Riddick for a 15-yard gain. At this point, Teemu Pulkkinen thinks Theo Riddick is underused.

7:43: A Calvin Johnson false start? I guess Lions fans aren’t the only anxious ones.

7:45: After short gains by Ebron and Riddick, the season is on the line with a 4th-and-3. Unless, of course, Caldwell decides to either punt or attempt to draw the Cowboys offside.

7:46: Welp! For the second time this drive, Stafford fumbles the ball but this time Dallas decides they aren’t going to give it back to the Lions; the game is effectively over.

Postscript: Where does one even begin when trying to dissect what occurred over the last three hours? How about an explanation of why the PI flag shouldn’t have been picked up by Fox’s Mike Pereira? …..

Here’s Samuel L. Jackson’s take on that call ….

And who could have ever guessed that Justin Verlander is satisfied with a Detroit team coming up short in the postseason? ….

How about the pending sale at Meijer tomorrow? ….

So, what happened today?

Well, you can blame it on the picked-up flag; the fact that the Lions only scored three points in the second half; the refs, who neither called an obvious offensive holding on Levy’s running-back grab nor a penalty on Dez Bryant for being on the field without a helmet; Lombardi’s garbage play-calling in the second half; or a number of other things.

But we all know why the Lions didn’t win today …..

It’s because THEY ARE THE LIONS.

And because you hire a dumb-ass who views that game in such simple terms as this ….

Screen Shot 2015-01-05 at 1.49.23 AM


And, if Katzenstein is accurate, Golden Tate wasn’t even on the field for that now-infamous 3rd-and-1 pass to Pettigrew. Which, if true, means that Caldwell, Lombardi, Crazy Cooter and everyone else associated with calling offensive plays should be fired on the fucking spot.

Hell, if Tate wasn’t part of that 3rd-and-1 package, they should not have let Caldwell and Lombardi on the freaking team plane back from DFW.

And because they have stupid players who take dumb personal foul penalties late in close games and Tweet out nonsense like this ……

Screen Shot 2015-01-05 at 1.53.39 AM

“Just fell short of the ultimate goal”?

Was the “ULTIMATE GOAL” playing next week in Seattle?

When you add up all of the above, you get a new hashtag ……