Back in 2014 when the Lions hired Jim Caldwell as their new head coach, I made the argument that nobody else in professional football Wouk’ was made that mistake. If not for Martin Mayhew and Tom “Breath Mints” Lewand, the Reverend Jim was NEVER getting another top gig as long as he lived.
I wrote that this was a cataclysmic decision and the team would never win in the postseason with this horrific in-game manager. I was so apoplectic about the comatose wonder coming to town that I had my image editor PhotoShop William Fredo Ford, Sr. into a casket. This caused the Lions to call the cops on me and the rest is history.
Four years later I was proven correct. The Lions won absolutely nothing of consequence under Caldwell during four years of Matthew Stafford’s prime (during which he remained incredibly healthy) and now they are back in the market for a new coach.
Many in this town still think Caldwell did a good job even though they agreed with his dismissal. They keep harping on the fact that Caldwell had the best regular-season win percentage (.563) in team history during the Super Bowl Era, which is the equivalent of being the hottest girl attending Motor City Comic Con.
I mean, going into Wednesday night’s game, the Pistons had a win percentage of .571 this year and barely anyone in town knows the team hasn’t relocated to Las Vegas.
Others continue to claim that Caldwell was given a raw deal and was forced out by an angry racist fanbase. All of this ignores the fact that five teams other than the Lions have a coaching vacancy and there isn’t one whisper that ANY of them are interested in Caldwell.
But it gets even funnier than that. Today, ESPN polled 45 football analysts to rank their top five available head football coaches. The criteria was basically anyone on Earth who is not currently an NFL head football coach was eligible for a vote.
Surprisingly, Jim Harbaugh won this poll. I guess the 45 analysts either didn’t watch one Michigan game this year or they are just really impressed by draw plays on 3rd-and-12. And not only did Harbaugh get the most votes, it was pretty clear-cut.
Here are the complete results ……
Yes, you read that correctly. Jim Caldwell tied for last on that list with ONE 5th-place vote among the 45 panelists. Caldwell got fewer votes than REX RYAN, for Christ’s sake.
Furthermore, he got fewer votes than two assistant coaches on his staff in Detroit — including one guy who has been arrested twice, once for a drunken HOME INVASION.
Caldwell even received fewer total points than the high school coach who never punts!!!!!
And finally, Jim Caldwell received fewer votes than a WOMAN. Yep, San Francisco 49ers’ seasonal assistant Katie Sowers ranked slightly higher on this list than the Sleepy Preacher.
Ya gotta believe me.
Anyway, the Lions’ next coach Matt Patricia ranked eighth, which is ridiculously low, but whatever. At least he didn’t tie Ed Reed.
If the in-league chatter for the five non-Lions openings and this poll are any indication, Caldwell is going to have plenty of time for bible study and real estate investments for the duration of his lifetime.
I cannot believe this guy lasted four years in this town. Actually, yes I can.
(You can follow Moss on Twitter @JeffMossDSR. You can discuss this article on Facebook by clicking here. You can also go fuck yourself if you’d like. Totally up to you.)