An Open Letter to Barstool’s El Presidente

Dear Mr. Portnoy,

My name is Jeff Moss. Some folks call me Joff Mess or Jiff Myst. Others dispense with the pleasantries and label me “that angry twat with the Detroit sports website with too much time on his hands and real anger problems”.

I answer to all of the above and I am writing you today because I think a potential partnership between the DetroitSportsRag and Barstool could be beneficial to both parties.

I was perusing your website recently and noticed that you have Barstool NYC, Barstool Boston, Barstool Chicago and Barstool Philly. I also saw Iowa listed but I cannot imagine you guys have a Barstool operation in Des Moines and not the Motor City so I am just going to assume you are big fans of Slipknot’s second studio album.

I am not going to beat around the bush here. I want to run Barstool Detroit. I have been banging my head against the wall for two decades running this joint and I am desirous of a 50,000 watt blowtorch like your site to further my agenda/grievances with the sports teams in Detroit and the horrific media that covers said teams.

Unlike your fellow New Englander Bill Simmons, I believe in the need for motherships and I want on your Death Star. Just do me a favor and don’t ask your girlfriend Kellie Rowe for a recommendation.

Look, we’ve got a lot of crap in common. I started my site in 2003 on the eve of the Iraq War and you created yours that same year. You’re a Jew. I’m a Jew. You got married in 2009 and separated in 2017 and I wed my wife that same year and wanted to separate in 2017. Actually, that’s a joke, but I can write stuff like that because my spouse refuses to read my articles.

I know you’ve got bigger fish to fry than to worry about Barstool Detroit — with those amateurs boxers beating the living shit out of each other and you running a satellite radio station — so let me handle this godforsaken locale for you.

I am sure you probably wouldn’t agree with everything done on my site over the last 15 years and I probably could take issue with some of your editorial choices, but the bottom line is we have a similar ethos and I doubt you will find a website more compatible with yours in Detroit or with a more established local audience.

We both believe in brutal honesty regarding our subjects and ourselves. I’ve written about everything on the DSR — from my gambling problem, to my wife’s miscarriage, to swinging. (I told you my wife doesn’t read the site.) Whenever I question if I should post something, I ask myself what a 1987 Howard Stern would do and then I run it.

Hell, one local dipshit sports business reporter has already compared our entities …..

That’s Bill Shea from a publication called Crain’s Detroit Business. He’s the kind of douche bag that writes a glowing article about your site and then turns on you when he becomes the object of your scorn. I am sure you know the type.

Anyway, I think you get the idea and if I keep going on like this I’ll run the danger of sounding like Eva Duarte at the end of Act I of “Evita” trying to entice Juan Perón. (Another El Presidente, come to think of it.)

So, I hope I have given you something to ponder (damn, I probably should have used “contemplate” after the ESPN B.S.) regarding a potential partnership. I am willing to give up the DSR and write exclusively for you starting whenever.

I will even come to New York to meet. I know where to find you. Been there before.

(And if you do need a recommendation, knock on the door of the  Stern Show compound and ask for associate producer Jason Kaplan.  I am sure you’ll get an earful.)

I am not in this for the money. That’s never been my motivation. I’ve lost the Gross National Product of Tuvalu running this site over the last 15 years because I’ve refused to bend or modify my behavior. Hopefully, you’ll look at that as a positive. No one else has.

All I am looking for is a larger bully pulpit with the emphasis on the first word and not the bema.

Detroit is one of the best sports towns in America and one of the few that houses all four professional teams but doesn’t enjoy a Barstool outpost. And with the Wings, Pistons, Tigers and Lions all in different stages of dysfunction, there will be no shortage of material.

I am sure you will hear from some in this city who advise you to stay away from me. That I am toxic. That some things I’ve written in the past are beyond the pale. And some of that probaby is true.

But ask yourself, where have you heard THAT before?

And if you aren’t interested, no hard feelings.

MUSIC

Very Truly Yours,

Moss

(You can follow Moss on Twitter @JeffMossDSR. You can discuss this article on Facebook by clicking here. You can also go fuck yourself if you’d like. Totally up to you.)