I Hope To Outlive Jeff Riger So I Can Defecate on His Grave

rigerwow

By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
September 27, 2016

Almost five years ago now, big-nosed, hideous-looking, Kermit-the-Frog-sounding 97.1 — The Ticket personality Jeff Riger wrote the most offensive and asinine article I have ever read regarding Detroit sports.

The premise was that slow-skating, one-trick pony, defensive liability, living, breathing human ricochet machine Tomas Holmstrom had enjoyed a better career with the Red Wings than eventual first-ballot Hall of Famer Sergei Fedorov.

If you don’t believe this gabbing bleeding abscess actually wrote such a disgusting and disrespectful blog post regarding one of the greatest hockey players in modern history, HERE IS THE EVIDENCE.

For that piece of ignorance, Riger was rewarded with a DSR Raggie for “Worst Article or Blog of 2011.” What Riger should have received was a 105 mile-per-hour slapshot to the face courtesy of Fedorov’s Easton stick, but that probably would have only helped Riger improve his looks by altering that monstrous schnoz.

I never, ever, thought Riger could top insulting of one of the greatest two-way forwards in the history of the sport by comparing him to a garbage man, but he might have equaled that ignominious feat this afternoon while filling in for Terry Foster on 97.1’s PM drive show with Mike Valenti.

Because I am not sure Riger stating on air that my mother was shacking up with his derelict pal Dan Leach at a Farmington Motel 6 would have been more offensive than the comments Gonzo made in reference to Barry Sanders.

imgres

The following is audio of Riger stating that Barry Sanders was overrated. That Barry Sanders wasn’t as good as Emmitt Smith. That Barry Sanders wasn’t as good as Billy Sims. Yes, this jizz tissue of a human actually disparaged the Lions’ greatest performer and the best running back (tied with Jim Brown) to ever lace up cleats …

 

 

When I first heard this clip, I actually started having chest pains. Like, I felt a tingling sensation in my right arm. Just moments after enjoying a rare Tigers win over the Indians and celebrating an Orioles loss in Toronto, I was confronted with THIS ….

Why don’t you go check his stats ….

Away from the Silverdome, the dude wasn’t that good ….

In the playoffs, he wasn’t that good ….

Negative one yards in a playoff game, THANKS BARRY!!! …

Oh, and then you quit in 1999 …..

I am so sick of the Barry love …..

I would take Sweetness (Walter Payton) over him … I would take Emmitt over him … I can keep going, man ….

Billy Sims could go over a pile … Billy Sims [could] get a tough yard … Billy could catch a damn ball out of the backfield … Barry Sanders couldn’t do it …

Why doesn’t Barry have touchdowns? Because they took him out in short-yardage situations ….

Overrated … It’s the effing truth ….

Never ran for more than 65 yards in a single (playoff) game) ….

Go quit on yourself ….

You people are all sheep … Look at the damn stats ….

It’s not an awful take ….

I am not going to waste a lot of time rebutting the utter nonsense emanating from this shitscicle’s mouth. It would be beneath the legacy of Barry Sanders to get into a point/counterpoint with this human pile of debris.

All I will say is that even while playing for THIS pathetic organization in Detroit, Barry Sanders would have obliterated the all-time rushing record by about TWENTY PERCENT if he hadn’t RETIRED because he couldn’t take this franchise’s losing culture any longer.

The man AVERAGED five yards per carry. FIVE!!!!!!

He never played with a quarterback worth a damn and spent his ENTIRE CAREER facing eight-man defensive fronts solely designed to STOP HIM. And, as evidenced by his yards per carry, most of the time they couldn’t.

He couldn’t catch the ball? He had almost 3,000 yards receiving during his career. More than Jim Brown. More on average per season than Emmitt Smith. But he couldn’t catch the ball out of the backfield? OK, dummy.

Riger went on to ridiculously state that Lions fans “hold on” to Barry and Calvin Johnson which is like blaming an airline passenger for clutching the arm rests of their seat during extreme turbulence. What the fuck else are you supposed to do while a fan of this holocaust?!??!?!?!?!

Seriously, I am done with this. I am not going any further in defending #20 to a subhuman who had to go out of state to undergo vocal chord surgery and yet STILL sounds like Miss Piggy’s amour. (I am talking about the real Miss Piggy, not Miss Venezuela 1996.)

You have now insulted my two favorite Detroit athletes ever — Sergei and Barry. Two Motor City legends who should only be feted and NEVER denigrated — especially by the likes of career midnight-shifters like YOU.

I only hope that I outlive you, Riger. Because if I do, I will find out where you are lying in state. And whether that will be at Dorfman Chapel or Ira Kaufman or Hebrew Memorial, I will sneak inside, open your casket and fuck your earhole.

And then I will follow your corpse to Clover Hill or Machpela or Hebrew Memorial Park and take a runny shit — after downing a box of White Castle sliders — all over your grave.

I have been told by mutual acquaintances that Riger is a habitual reader of this website. Well, jackass, you sure as hell haven’t learned anything from it.

Maybe Foster’s chair is possessed and the occupant is simply compelled to spew out this sort of idiocy. I’d maybe buy that theory if I hadn’t once read this from Riger ….

I’m also a huge believer in the fact that Homer has never been as popular in this city as he could have because of the true greats that he played with, one of them being Fedorov. But I am also a huge believer that after laying out this argument, you too will see things the same way as I do. That Tomas Holmstrom, when his playing days are over and we hope that time is not soon, will go down and the better RED WING then Sergei Fedorov!

Man, I would love to shove one of his overused exclamation points right up his sphincter.

Jump in a fire. I prefer my earholes extra crispy.

(You can follow the writer of this piece on Twitter @JeffMossDSR. Also, you can join in on the discussion of this article on Facebook by clicking here.)