Fuck Off, Jizz Bucket

Believe it or not, this website will have been in existence for 14 years next week. And in that time we’ve only witnessed two professional championships in Detroit and a TON of misery.  Not to mention thousands of awful columns, articles and takes from the simple-minded sports media members in this town.

But something I read over the weekend might have been the most offensive trash that’s come across my desk at DSR HQ since I created this hellish portal on the Internet on the eve of the second Iraq War. I shouldn’t even be surprised since the culprit has been an avowed Ken Holland slapdick since day one. A fucking beta male tool who, when William Clay Ford, Sr. finally fired Matt Millen, wrote that his replacement should have been the Red Wings General Manager.

I am going to dissect the entire scatalogical piece that Jamie Samulsen posted on his Freep blog Saturday momentarily, but just get a whiff of this shit Jizz Bucket wrote in that article ….

Ken Holland was as responsible as ANYONE not named Nick Lidstrom for reaching six Stanley Cups and winning four of them?!?!?!?!? Are you fucking KIDDING ME, you cum receptacle????? That right there is THEE most distasteful revisionist history I have ever read. The second most important person in this era? God damn, I am not sure I’d put him ahead of The Brow, Orange Hat Guy, Mo Cheese and Alto Reed™ (ME),  for Christ’s sake.

And since Kenny likes dishing out HISTORY LESSONS, let me give Christy McDonald’s indentured servant a tutorial of my own. It’s an oldie but a goodie and Samuelsen definitely needs to read it.

(By the way, is there any doubt that Christy fucks Jamie up the ass with a strap-on regularly? I am not saying that in a homophobic sense at all. As you all know, what anyone wants to do in their personal time is fine with me, but I am guessing this vanilla shitbag loves being emasculated by his spouse. Are the Samuelsen kids old enough to use Google yet? [Trout], I hope so. Keep reading, children.)

Ken Holland was a Western scout for the Wings organization until 1994 when he became the assistant General Manager under Jimmy Devellano and Scotty Bowman. Ya might have heard of them or seen their busts on Yonge Street in Toronto at the Hockey Hall of Fame. Holland didn’t take over as GM until AFTER the Red Wings had already won their first Cup in 1997.

And do you want to know what Holland’s first piece of business was once he finally got the reins of this team? He got embroiled in a bitter contract dispute with the greatest two-way forward to ever lace it up for the organization. Which resulted in a poison-pill deal that left bitterness between Sergei Fedorov and Mike Ilitch that lasted for decades. But I will get to that momentarily.

So Holland didn’t become GM until 1998 — before then he was busy telling Scotty and Jimmy D. to draft Denis Potvin clones like Jamie Pushor and Jesse Wallin —  and any Wings fan knows the FOUNDATION for this sustained success and the playoff streak and whatever went with it was built in 1983 and 1989.

By the time Holland became GM, the team had already been to one Final, had one of the greatest regular seasons in league history (1996), and won their first Cup in 42 years!!!! Why?

Because in June of 1983 they drafted a scrawny kid named Steve Yzerman out of Peterborough and in 1989 the team had the GREATEST DRAFT IN PROFESSIONAL SPORTS HISTORY. That was the year they selected Fedorov, Lidstrom, Vladimir Konstantinov, Dallas Drake and Mike Sillinger.

The preparation for that draft was done by Devellano, Neil Smith (who would become the New York Rangers GM a month AFTER that year’s draft), and European super scout Christer Rockström. The 1989 class would go on to score 3,594 points in the NHL. And that’s with Vlady’s career tragically ending prematurely because of that asshat Richard Gnida.

And for the record, everyone I have listed in this article so far — sans Gnida — had a greater  impact on the Wings making six Cups than Ken Holland. Well, maybe not Pushor, Wallin and Sillinger. Ya know, the guys that Holland scouted in the WHL.

To put that 3,594 stat in perspective, in EVERY draft SINCE that 1989 gold rush, those players have tallied 9,831 points. That’s like 26 years of drafts!!!!!

As I have written on NUMEROUS occasions, Holland taking over the team in 1998 and leading it to an immediate Cup and success over the next couple of decades is the equivalent of throwing a party for a guy who won the final Wheel of Fortune puzzle when the clue was “Candy Company” and the answer was N-e-s-t-l-e.

And why is that? Because not only was Holland gifted several Hall of Famers and members of the recently announced Top 100 NHLers of all-time (91, 19, 5, Brendan Shanahan) but he also INHERITED Rockstrom’s replacement … Håkan Andersson. Holland didn’t hire the man responsible for selecting Pavel Datsyuk in the SIXTH round and Henrik Zetterberg in the SEVENTH round.

No, those two were BOTH scouts back in the early 1990s. Contemporaries. And do you want to know what Holland’s contribution to picking #13 and #40 was? While Andersson kept BEGGING Holland to select the pair in earlier rounds in 1998 and 1999 respectively, Holland told the team’s Euro scout that they’d get to them later.

That’s the real story when it comes to drafting Pavel and Henrik. Ken Holland was gift-wrapped TWO Tom Bradys and he almost FUCKED THAT UP. If it weren’t for Andersson, Holland would never have had a chance to give Pavel a contract extension years later when Datsyuk had already given warning signs that he wanted to return to Russia — which ended up costing the Wings a chance to draft Jakob Chychrun.

Do you want to know how easy Holland had it? Not only was he bequeathed a virtual All-Star team, and the greatest European scout to ever purchase a pair of binoculars, but he also had Mike Ilitch’s almost bottomless wallet to add whomever he wanted to that collection of talent.

Let’s put this in perspective for a moment. The Red Wings have the highest payroll in the league this season at $78 million. (Sure getting a real bang for your buck there, Ken!!!!!) In 2003 — before the salary cap era —  the team’s budget was $78 million!!!! That was 14 years ago. Just think about that for a second. Do you know how insane that is?

If you don’t, just look at MLB’s team payrolls in 2003 versus last season if you want to figure out what the normal level of inflation would have been without the salary cap ….

2003

2016

And not only was Holland able to outspend EVERYONE in the NHL, he also had the luxury of players falling at his feet to come to Detroit because OTHER Hall of Famers wanted to skate with Yzerman, Fedorov and Lidstrom.

Holland didn’t make the Dominik Hasek trade, the Dominator’s agent did. Rich Winter went to the Sabres management and said, “Dom wants out of Buffalo and the list of teams he will play for is …… DETROIT.”

Years later, Winter facilitated the free-agent signing of another one of his clients with Detroit.

Marian Hossa.

The dynasty, the legacy, the greatness, the playoff streak NEVER happens without the Captain, the 1989 draft, Bowman, Jimmy D, Smith, Nick Polano, Bryan Murray and many others. Yet this fuckstick Samuelsen has the CHUTZPAH to state that the second most important person in this era is Ken Holland!?!??!?!?!?!

GO TO HELL!!!!!

But let’s get to some other comments from Jizz Bucket’s Saturday masterpiece, which was published on the year anniversary of my father’s death. Thanks for that distraction at least, ya human equivalent of watching paint dry!!!!

Ok. so let’s get back to Sergei. As I mentioned earlier, Holland’s first big test as GM came in 1998 when the 1994 Hart Trophy/Selke winner (the only guy to do that in the HISTORY of the NHL) became a restricted free-agent and Holland proceeded to LOW BALL #91.

For some reason, Holland decided to haggle over a new contract with arguably the best player in the world at the time. The shit dragged on for months and months. It was late February and Sergei STILL was still not in uniform to help Detroit’s pursuit of back-to-back titles.

At that point, Pete Karmanos — the owner of Compuware and the Carolina Hurricanes and Ilitch’s arch-nemesis — decided to tender an offer sheet to Fedorov. If Ilitch wasn’t going to give Fedorov a fair contract, Karmanos decided he’d try to snatch Sergei. And not only did Karmanos tender Fedorov, he really stuck it to Mr. I with the following contract language:

Just $12 million of the $38 million is Fedorov’s base salary, which will be paid at $2 million per year. He will receive a $14 million signing bonus, which will bump him to $16 million this year, leaving a final $12 million.

But that’s the kicker, a scare tactic the Hurricanes hope discourages Detroit owner Mike Ilitch from matching the offer. The $12 million will be paid to Fedorov over the next four years unless the team reaches the conference finals. Then the bonus must be paid in one lump sum.

That recap was from a Michael Russo piece back in 1998. Back then, the Hurricanes had as much chance reaching the conference finals as Scott Anderson losing his virginity, and we all know what happened from there. The Wings matched the offer and the poison pill clause was enacted.

And Ilitch NEVER forgave Fedorov for inking that deal with his rival. You want to talk about loyalty, Jizz Bucket? Where was the loyalty to Fedorov in 1998 when Holland forced him to miss the first four months of the season over a contract dispute? And we know Fedorov eventually got fair value because the MARKET determined it. When did Yzerman or Lidstrom ever have to deal with that shit?

Holland’s first major contract negotiation ended in a disaster that left Ilitch bitter when Fedorov’s contract would come up again in 2003. And let me be clear about ONE THING HERE for the LAST FUCKING TIME ….

Fedorov was coming back to Detroit. He had made the decision to accept Holland/Ilitch’s offer after taking some time to think about his future. I have been told this by someone who WORKED for the Red Wings at the time, two members of the Canadian NHL press, and someone in Sergei Fedorov’s immediate family.

But Ilitch pulled back the contract at the last minute. Vindictiveness for Sergei signing that tender with Karmanos five years earlier.

You want to know why #91 won’t be hanging from the rafters at Little Caesars Arena but Vinnie Johnson’s and Richard Hamilton’s jerseys will be? Because of 1998. Because Ken Holland fucked up. And because Mike Ilitch was a stubborn asshole who held a stupid grudge until the day he died.

Loyalty? On Sergei’s part? Shove it up your ass, Jamie, if Christy’s high-heeled Christian Louboutins aren’t already up there.

On Jizz’s radio show the other day — with Bucket nowhere to be found — Holland stated that it would take 10 to 15 years to REBUILD the Red Wings. As one of my astute Twitter followers suggested, this is a god damn NHL team, not Iraq or Afghanistan.

10 to 15 years? Is this man insane???!?!? This is a league that is now built on parity. Other than Arizona and Colorado, most teams have been in some sort of playoff race all season long.

10 to 15 years??!??!?!?! If the Wings’ team plane crashed into a mountain it wouldn’t take 10 to 15 years to REBUILD. The Florida Panthers entered the NHL as an EXPANSION team in 1993 and reached the STANLEY CUP in their THIRD SEASON. And that was before the cap — when they were at an even greater disadvantage.

10 to 15 years?!??!?! Last season the Columbus Blue Jackets were the fourth worst team in the NHL and their horrific record only told half of the story. One of their best players got injured early in the season after a night of drunken carousing and LIED, saying he got injured during a practice or a game. During their annual after-the-season softball game, one of the Blue Jackets’ skaters got belligerent drunk and a teammate ended up knocking him out with one punch in foul territory of the outfield. While this player laid on the grass UNCONSCIOUS, the rest of the Columbus players CONTINUED THEIR GAME. Finally, their head coach called their captain the worst fucking leader he had ever seen.

That was all last year. This season? The Columbus Blue Jackets have the second best record in the entire Eastern Conference and are one of the favorites to reach the Stanley Cup Finals.

Now, granted, Holland has created a situation where the rebuild will probably take longer than it should have, but that’s HIS fault and not a reason why he should be retained to dig this franchise a bigger grave. But 10 to 15 years? Only if Holland is allowed to continue to run this organization into the ground.

Which leads me to the next asinine comment Milquetoast McDonald-Samuelsen made in that garbage blog of his ….

Holland has always insisted that his philosophy is to win the hockey game that particular night and put a team on the ice that has the best chance of doing so. It’s why he extended the contracts of players like Jonathan Ericsson, Niklas Kronwall and Justin Abdelkader when it would have been better in hindsight to let all three walk or at least test the open market and find out what they were really worth …..

I’ve always argued that being an executive under Mike Ilitch was both easy and hard at the same time. It’s easy because you had every possible resource to make the team into a winner. It’s hard because winning is expected every single season and it’s harder to build for the future and play the kids when you’re also expected to lead the team into the postseason.

Samuelsen tried to make the case that it was Mike Ilitch who ordered this culture of loyalty which in turn led to those awful veteran contracts. Umm, Ilitch might have shown deference to #19 and #5 or Justin Verlander or Miguel Cabrera but do you REALLY think Mr. I gave a fuck about Dan Cleary, Jonathan Ericsson, Luke Glendening, Darren Helm or Justin Abdelkader?

That was ALL Holland. And the loyalty shit is overrated as well. These are the guys whom the coward Holland — who hasn’t made a blockbuster trade since the Twin Towers were still standing — kept around like security blankets. It wasn’t loyalty as much as inertia.

And because of all of Holland’s horrendous moves over the last few seasons in an effort to extend that pox of a meaningless playoff streak, at the deadline this year the Wings were facing the reality that almost HALF of the team’s contracts were absolutely immovable.

Henrik Zetterberg couldn’t be traded because of his own poison pill contract that Holland inked, which would will lead to disastrous consequences if the Swedish center decides to retire before his deal expires. If you want to read why Holland has to keep Hank close to the fold, read this depressing article.

Frans Nielsen has a No-Movement Clause that Holland gave him for absolutely no reason, but it’s not like a lot of teams would be interested in paying a Poor Man’s Zetterberg $5 million a year until his Age 39 season anyway. Not any with an analytics department, that’s for sure.

Glendening is a fifth liner who doesn’t even START his four-year, $7.2 million contract until NEXT season. You couldn’t trade him to Las Vegas if Marian Ilitch included the deed for Motor City Casino.

Holland couldn’t figure out that Abdelkader’s numbers were inflated by playing with 13 and 40 the last few years so he handed him a SEVEN YEAR-deal worth $30 million. Abdelkader has five goals this season and if you think his style of play will translate well in his mid-30s …..  I guess you’ve never watched an NHL game before. Another albatross of a contract that is going nowhere.

Do I even have to explain why nobody would take the balance of Ericsson’s contract, which will pay Swedish Willie Huber almost $13 million over the next three seasons? Or the almost $10 million Kronwall’s carcass is owed over the next two years?

How about Darren Helm — who is in the FIRST year of a five-year deal worth nearly $20 million — and has a whopping THIRTEEN points this year!!!!

And I haven’t even reached the WORST contract on the books. One that is going to haunt this organization well into Donald Trump’s second term as President. Danny DeKeyser — a #6 defenseman at best and an AHLer at worst — is still owed $25 million through the 2022 season.

Read that last paragraph a few more times and try not to kill yourself. When you add Jimmy Howard’s contact to the mix, you reach a grand total of NINE immovable deals. Almost half of the roster is untradeable.

And the man responsible for ALL OF THAT is the person who Jamie Samuelsen believes is ENTITLED to fix this unmitigated disaster. An overrated moron who Jizz believes is more responsible for the team’s success from 1994 to 2010 than several of the greatest players to ever lace them up.

And why does Samuelsen think that? …..

There are others of course, but don’t discount the role Holland played from moving the Wings out of the salary cap-free era into the cap era and still keeping the Wings in contention.

I am going to let DSR contributor Topher Ryan explain how fucking asinine that comment is ….

Once again, this team thrived post lockout because they drafted the third best defenseman in the history of the league the year Taylor Swift was born and because their European scout convinced Jim Nill to select Zetterberg and Datsyuk ….

“What’s this name?” Hahhahhahaha.

Once again, IF Holland had hired Andersson, you could give him full marks for delegating tasks to the right people.

Except. He. Didn’t.

During the salary cap era, for every Brian Rafalski free-agent signing or Brad Stuart trade, there have been about five Mikael Samuelssons, Jordin Tootoos, Stephen Weisses and Carlo Colaiacovos.

Look, Ken Holland shouldn’t be fired because his team has only won ONE playoff series in the last six seasons.

Ken Holland shouldn’t be fired because the Wings are one of the worst three or four teams in the league THIS YEAR.

Ken Holland shouldn’t even be fired for all of the abhorrent contracts he has saddled this team with moving forward over the next few seasons.

No, Ken Holland should be shown the door because he has shown absolutely no comprehension that a rebuild is even necessary. As any 12-step program will tell you, the first step in recovery is admitting you have a problem. Holland STILL refuses to come to grips with what is needed.

That’s why he told Michael Stone the other day that he didn’t regret passing on drafting Chychrun because that’s a move that wouldn’t help Detroit for NINE YEARS!!!! Yep, an 18-year-old defenseman who is outperforming every single one of your blueliners except Mike Green wouldn’t assist the Wings.

For almost a decade.

It’s why he wasted all of the cap money at his disposal last offseason trying to make an ill-fated run at extending the streak. It’s why he took the path of least resistance this trade deadline by moving Tomas Jurco and two pending UFAs instead of shopping Gustav Nyquist, Tomas Tatar and Mike Green back in December.

Ken Holland’s goal for the 2017-18 season is to make the playoffs in the first year of Little Caesars Arena even if it means again becoming cannon fodder for a higher seed.

He refuses to entertain the idea of a full rebuild because, in his warped head, it will take 10 to 15 years.

And at the end of the day, you can’t even blame Holland. Back in 1998 he was handed the keys to a Lamborghini. Not only does he have no stomach to fix this jalopy he currently is driving, he wouldn’t even know where to begin.

Which finally leads me to the end of this 3,500-word rant. And I hope Caroline Samuelsen, Josh Samuelsen and Catherine Samuelsen are still reading.

Your father came to Detroit over 20 years ago with this holier-than-thou, Northern-California-by-way-of-Northwestern-University smug attitude.

He was the voice of reason, some intelligent elitist who would judge things fairly and without any bias or passion whatsoever.

He still thinks he is smarter than the rest of us based on his bonafides — but he truly isn’t.

He’s just another dope in this town who loves to straddle the fence and never wants to put anything on the line. Instead, he just falls in line as another Ken Holland brown noser –when there is no shortage of those in this awful city.

Well, Jamie, if you want to taste some ass, mine’s right here for ya.

I hear it goes well with brie cheese and Napa Valley wine.

Go fuck yourself.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *