The Cleveland Indians of the 1990s.
The Buffalo Bills.
Kathryn Heigl in “27 Dresses.”
The Detroit Tigers of the last decade.
You can now add Lynn Henning to that impressive list of diseased entities with seconditis as the Detroit News baseball writer CHOKED away yet another golden opportunity to win the Drew Sharp Memorial DetroitSportsRag Worst Detroit Sports Media Personality for 2017.
The winner this year is Anthony Fenech of the Detroit Free Press — a deserving champion in his own right — but the big story is Henning’s complete failure to finally seal the deal.
In 2012, Henning reached the Fucked Up Four but lost to the eventual champion (Michael RosenNEBBISH) in the semis.
In 2014, Henning was upended by Keebler Elf Albom in the Excrement Eight –the only time the imbecile failed to reach a Fucked Up Four.
In 2015, “Go Soak Your Head” Henning lost in the finals to the Virginal Manatee by a mere three votes, a crushing defeat that is still controversial in some DSR circles.
And last year, Henning lost again in the semifinals, this time to Terry Foster.
But 2017 looked to be Lynn’s year. He ran through the early rounds like a man possessed. In the first round he annihilated Bob Duff 90% to 10%. In round two he crushed Matthew B. (Aggressive) Mowery 91% to 9%. He then proceeded to destroy one of the tourney favorites — Robert Wojnowski — 66% to 34% in a battle of awful Detroit News employees.
When Henning dispensed of Jeff Riger by a score of 62% to 38% in the Excrement Eight, it became conventional wisdom that Henning was finally going to win the hyberBOWL title. His victory over Doug Karsch in the FUF by a wide margin (59% to 41%) with Fenech only squeaking by the Sexless Whale on the other side of the bracket made the final seem perfunctory.
But Fenech would not be denied as he took an early lead and never let up, winning by a final tally of 52% to 48%. Fenech built a firm foundation over the last few years with his drunk driving escapades that included flipping over a PT Cruiser; sexually harassing a co-worker at CMU school newspaper; stalking a fellow student at Central; getting punched out at a Downriver bar for hitting on a dude’s girl; banging a superior at the Freep; and just being an absolutely awful writer on top of his horrific personality traits.
In 2017, his promise became reality when he overslept for a radio interview he committed to on 105.1 and snoozed through his regularly scheduled Detroit Free Press chat on another occasion. His constant defense of the Brad Ausmus regime almost matched that of Chris McCosky (the man he vanquished in the Excrement 8) but his baggage seemingly got him through that matchup with his fellow horrific Tigers beat writer.
Finally, Fenech decided to take a European vacation in the MIDDLE OF THE PENNANT RACE late last summer.
So, Fenech’s name will be inscribed on the Horse’s Ass Trophy right alongside Rosenberg, Foster, Anderson and Sharp.
We have big plans for the trophy delivery — if Fenech doesn’t croak before we get to it him like last year’s winner did — so pay attention to Periscope since you never know when we will be handing the hardware to Ant.
As for Henning, the man isn’t getting any younger and with the recent rash of layoffs/buyouts at the News you have to wonder if he squandered his best chance. If Henning couldn’t get it done the year he claimed Joba Chamberlain was going to get a 4-year, $50 million contract, you have to question if it’s just not in the stars for Poor ‘Ol Lynn.
Thanks to all who voted this year. Here are all of the results and the final bracket.
And if Fenech decides to celebrate this title tonight in Lakeland, for the love of [Trout], please call a Lyft.