This article isn’t being posted in an effort to change the hearts and minds of Lions fans. I am not attempting to get anyone to throw away their fandom for Detroit’s pathetic NFL franchise.
If I were actually trying to persuade you to burn your Lions merchandise and openly root against this historically inept organization it wouldn’t come off much different than a born-again Christian proselytizing to non-believers after a midlife conversion.
You see, my decision to never give the Ford Family a penny of my money towards either a ticket or a concession took 27 years and my full Lions heel turn didn’t occur until I was 42 years old. So I am not here to try to convince you to abandon your hometown football team as that decision has to come to every individual in due time.
And I totally understand how hard it is to separate yourself from a local pro team that you grew up supporting, especially considering there are memories ** you may have shared with your father as a child. Making the decision to pack it in is like a death of a loved one or a loss of an appendage.
(** — Of course those moments of “nostalgia” are most likely nightmares of Eddie Murray missing a chip shot — for him — field goal at Candlestick Park or a player either dying or being paralyzed on the field.)
And of course there is the carrot that all Lions fans continue to chase whenever I tell them that not only do I want the franchise to FAIL, but that I OPENLY root for them to lose in the most embarrassing way possible ….
“Well, I want to be there when they finally win a Super Bowl.”
Back in 2015 I did the arithmetic and determined that the Lions have put me through way too much consternation for an unlikely championship to be some sort of payoff for wading through this shit for decades.
I’ve made the comparison many times, but at some point a battered spouse decides enough is enough and walks out that door. Is it worth waiting around for the anniversary present of a new Asscher cut, four-carat diamond ring and a cruise around the world if you have to endure 30 years of being called a “cunt” and “twat face?” Especially since there is no guarantee those presents will be forthcoming before you croak?
As the second act of Phantom Of The Opera suggests, there IS a Point of No Return. That final threshold was passed after the team called the cops on me for my antics on this website. I’ve watched that bridge burn from a distance ever since.
No, I am not trying to convince you of anything at all OTHER than to have SOME self-awareness regarding the wretched organization you blindly support. I am not talking about ALL Lions fans — as there are some maltreated followers who realize the obvious — but instead the ones who cum in their pants when the team’s schedule is announced.
Or when the UNOFFICIAL team depth chart is released like it was yesterday.
These pussy whipped fans — who have never even reached third base with their favorite NFL team — who ALWAYS take team management’s side whenever there is any dispute between a player and the Ford Family henchmen.
Barry Sanders retired? What a quitter. Dude didn’t even have the courtesy to tell the team before the eve of training camp. Let’s boo him whenever he’s courtside at a Pistons game and they flash him on the Palace Jumbotron.
Calvin Johnson? What an ingrate. How dare he get pissed the Lions wanted a million dollars back from him, even though almost no other NFL teams would treat a future Hall of Famer like that. The nerve of this guy to risk life and limb and then to have the audacity to mention that all of the losing got to him over the years. And now he is showing up at Miami and Oakland practices? What a traitor!!!!
DeAndre Levy filed an injury grievance against the team looking to collect $1.75 million in salary? The Lions were 100 percent correct in dumping that injured, social-justice-warrior, big mouth after he signed that juicy new contract and had no desire to earn his keep!!!! So what if he has no cartilage in his knee and will probably live the rest of his life in a debilitated state!!!!
Hey, Mrs. Ford, can I clean those sunglasses for you and change your Depends while we’re at it?
Like, can you imagine the hill these lunatics would NOT die on if this team had actually won a postseason game in the last 26 years or if the Lions had ever been to a fucking Super Bowl or if they had won a freaking title since the Civil Rights Act passed Congress?
Here is just a snippet of the reaction from Lions fans to the Levy grievance news:
And here is some social media criticism of the greatest receiver the franchise has ever employed …..
And trust me, this is a minuscule sampling of the Levy and Calvin bashing from Lions fans on the Internet. I could post this shit for DAYS if I desired.
Now, at this point you folks may be suggesting that Good Ol’ Joff Myst is cherry-picking these comments. That these opinions are from the moronic inebriated masses.
Well, that’s not the case. Delusional, Stockholm Syndrome Lions fans come in all shapes, sizes and forms — including various educational and socioeconomic backgrounds. Take, for example, the case of Scott Warheit.
This psychotic Ford Family apologist graduated law school, passed the bar exam and is a clerk for FEDERAL JUDGE Matthew Leitman — a pretty prestigious gig working for a lifetime judicial appointee.
This dude has ZERO excuse for blindly supporting this organization that has shockingly won only ONE playoff game over the last 60 years. But let’s take a look at some of his Greatest Hit Tweets.
How about the ones where he claims he still holds a grudge against Barry Sanders even though this asshat Warheit actually lived through the decade AFTER #20 rightfully walked away from Fredo Corleone, Sr. and his band of imbeciles.
He is still bitter at the greatest Detroit Lion ever, but do you know who Warheit constantly went to bat for? Tom Lewand!!!! I shit you not ……
I am going to need a caseload of Tic-Tacs, pronto. Can you imagine? Well, after reading his next set of Tweets, I am sure you can ….
His Eric Ebron love is some next level shit ….
Or how about this cornbread-eating, Kool-Aid-drinking defense of the FORD FAMILY themselves …..
Have you tapped out yet? How about the fact that this guy planned his HONEYMOON around a Detroit Lions game?!??!?!?!?!?!?!
I can’t even. At this point I think I hate the fans of this squad more than the team itself. Have some god damn dignity. How about a little self-respect? I know a moron who actually called Stoney & Wojo from his honeymoon and Warheit makes that guy look as suave as Frank Sinatra.
And this is coming from a guy who literally changed his wedding date so as to not interfere with a Red Wings Stanley Cup game versus the Penguins, but at least that team has given me the money shot FOUR TIMES during my lifetime.
According to Warheit’s Twitter bio, he survived CANCER. The Big C.
Can you imagine dealing with THAT and coming out of it with a rededication to your Lions fandom?!?!?!? For fuck’s sake, man.
Maybe I’ll crash this couple’s two-year anniversary. I hear they are having it at the TAP Room at MGM during one of Dan Miller’s Monday postgame shows.
Josh Rosen can’t enter the NFL soon enough.
(You can follow Moss on Twitter @JeffMossDSR. You can discuss this article on Facebook by clicking here. You can also go fuck yourself if you’d like. Totally up to you.)