By Jeff Moss
September 18, 2014
While I would love to live in a world where the Tigers, Red Wings, Lions and Pistons were managed properly, winning a proportionate number of world championships while the collective media in Detroit that covers them actually did THEIR JOB ….. well ….. that ain’t the planet we reside on.
If truth be told, front office blunders, poor play on the field, ice or court and dereliction of duty by the reporters and broadcasters in Motown is precisely what drives new readers to my Twat feed and to this websight™ (Five-Tool Imbecile T-Fos).
Chaos is good for the DSR. The inept performance of the Tigers players and their Mimbo Imbecile Ivy League manager over the last two days brings traffic to this Mos Eisley of Motor City online sports pages.
In my professional life, I earn a living when policyholders suffer losses through fires, tornadoes, hurricanes, floods, sewage backup and a variety of other calamities. Likewise, this hobby of mine thrives when the entire town is on the verge of a nervous breakdown due to the latest Joe Nathan performance or Don Kelly start.
And Tuesday night was a perfect storm of Detroit sports diarrhea, with the Tigers losing to the Twins after J.D. Martinez had apparently saved his team from an embarrassing defeat with a three-run bomb. Afterwards, things got a little dicey on Twitter with me performing my normal duties of leading the parade of distaste and bitterness.
The thing is, I can’t control all (or really any) of my followers and sometimes they get a little carried away when trying to bite my schtick. I can’t feign shock about this any more than Howard Stern could regarding the creation of a cesspool of bile known as the Stern Fan Network message boards.
So when a crude Tweet popped up in my “Mentions” I just shook my head and thought, well … some young kid went a little over the line. Before I get to that particular Tweet though, a little context.
After B[r]ad Ausmus, Nathan and Ezequiel Carrera snatched defeat from the jaws of victory, I went on a tirade mocking the sort of queries the eunuch Tigers beat writers usually pose to Surfer Boy after a game.
Before I get to my mocking Tweets of these castrated eunuchs, here are some ACTUAL questions that were asked of Mimbo Brad after Sunday’s game ……
What is the significance of the sweep of Cleveland?
Your take on Justin Verlander’s performance?
What have you learned about your team?
What pitch did Ian Kinsler hit for the home run?
How big can Ian Kinsler be for you down the stretch?
What was it like to watch JD Martinez hit a home run?
Are you concerned about Nathan? (Answer: No.) Follow up question was about Nathan pitching on back-to-back days. (Nothing about his 1.5 WHIP).
Were you impressed with Phil Coke?
Ya know, real hard-hitting, Mike Wallace-esque grilling.
What was it like to watch JD Martinez hit a home run??!!?!?? On what kind of pitch did Kinsler hit his dinger? THESE are the questions that these dolts posed.
Now, here were my fake questions that I figured the worthless writers would ask following Tuesday’s game …
Matthew B. Aggressive Mowery: “So what made Ricky Nolasco so tough tonight, skip?”
— Jeff Moss (@JeffMossDSR) September 17, 2014
Chris Iott: “Prince or The Replacements? Who do ya got, Brad?”
— Jeff Moss (@JeffMossDSR) September 17, 2014
John Lowe: “What’s your favorite passage from the Old Testament, Brad, and do you like my hat?” — Jeff Moss (@JeffMossDSR) September 17, 2014
Jason Beck: “Uh …. stammer … uh ….. stutter … uh …. drool … uh .. stutter …… uh …. stammer ….” — Jeff Moss (@JeffMossDSR) September 17, 2014
Lynn Henning: “Do you remember what hotel I am staying at, Brad?” — Jeff Moss (@JeffMossDSR) September 17, 2014
What I didn’t know is that Matthew B. [Passive Aggressive] Mowery wasn’t on the road with the team in Minneapolis. But I soon found that out when a follower of mine bombed the Oakland Press cheerleader with this dumb Tweet:
It would seem Bryan is a 20-year-old college kid who used to intern for 105.1. And that Tweet, while clearly inappropriate, was absolutely directed at the Tigers’ closer and NOT at this fucking dork beat writer.
I mean, NOBODY in their right mind could possibly think that:
A) This former radio station intern would actually blow up someone’s house.
B) The house in question would be Mowery’s!!!!!
No, no, no, ya dummy. Nobody in their right mind would misconstrue that as a death threat. And even if they did, it wouldn’t be YOUR life that was being threatened anyway.
Can you imagine this drama queen imbecile? NOBODY was threatening your life or your toddler’s, ya fucking pussy. Some overzealous kid — who was easily trackable because of his past employment — made an idiotic comment about NATHAN.
Not you. But Mowery was going to play this for all it was worth, ESPECIALLY since my name was included in the offending Tweet.
But did Pom-Pom Matthew want to listen to reason even when a NATIONAL writer from ESPN.com was telling him to chill the fuck out? Nope.
Hell, this kid even tried to apologize but Mowery didn’t want to hear it. He was on a mission to tell the world he had been threatened!!!!
His life was in GRAVE danger. Is there any other kind????
Anyway, most unbiased followers of Mowery saw this for what it was. Nothing. You can go mention dive his account from Tuesday evening and see a preponderance of commenters were telling the loser to stop making a mountain out of a molehill.
Including Tony Paul of the Detroit News.
— Tony Paul (@TonyPaul1984) September 17, 2014
So, I went to bed Tuesday night thinking that was the end of this mishegas. I mean, a well-respected contributor to Fangraphs and a fellow Detroit baseball writer both told him it was much ado about nothing. Not to mention, the “perpetuator” had already told Mowery he meant no harm.
Yeah, that’s not what occurred. I woke up Wednesday morning to find out that this bitch was crying about the incident on his FACEBOOK PAGE!!!!
To quote the great Baby Gorilla Artie Lange, “WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!”
Are you shitting me with this? This fucknut is going from one social media platform to the next BEGGING for sympathy. And for what?
Although I do love the shithead calling me a “lowlife,” which I am guessing was what this was all about. He couldn’t finger me for this crime against humanity but he was sure going to drag my name though the mud in the process.
“Others of the Moss extended family of idiocy” is just so awesome on so many levels. My extended family of idiocy? Yep, I am a regular Charles Manson at this point, folks. Let’s all go to our local tattoo parlor and get the DSR logo etched between our eyes!!!!! I am now taking online applications for my own personal “Squeaky” Fromme!!!!!!
You’d have to think it ended here, right? Well you’d be wrong again!!!!
Yep, Mowery got the sympathy he wanted from a bunch of brain-dead zombies, including Fox Sports Detroit’s Dana Wakiji, a no-talent regurgitator of box scores.
And the final salvo from this douche bag comes when he claims he is going to turn this into the police a la Chrissie Wytwat.
Yeah, let’s waste the cops’ time with this stupidity when you know there is no crime involved. They’ve got nothing better to do than listen to a balding, middle-aged beat writer whine to them that someone was being very, very, very mean.
And Officer Riley, did I mention I have a two-year-old at home whom I care very much about and I am worried that someone is going to hurt him because I am a shill for the home team???
I know what real death threats are like. I had one guy tell me he was going to drive down from the Grand Rapids area to put a bullet in my skull.
I have had people on Twitter send me GOOGLE EARTH MAPS of my house with a note saying that they were coming to get me and that I needed a new roof. (I do, and they are coming to replace it in October!!!!!)
Did I call the cops? Ummm, no. Because I am pretty sure nobody is going to attack me because they don’t like my particular take on Mike Babcock. And because I don’t have sand in my vagina. And because I am not about to waste law enforcement’s precious time with the buffoonery of Internet tough guys.
Heck, I even got shit from this lunatic for saying he had a cute kid ….
These writers have turned me into some nightmarish bogeyman. I am sorry to burst your bubble, but I am not Kevin Spacey’s character in “Se7en.”
And unlike Terry Foster’s assertion, I was not the leader of the Third Reich.
Nor do I operate an Al-Qaeda sleeper cell like Lynn Henning suggested yesterday.
Now, go run and call the cops, Mowery. And if Bryan Zazaian is reading this and he needs an attorney to help answer these baseless charges, I am sure one of the barrister members of the DSR Elite would be glad to assist.
But with this request, I cannot comply ….
I am a licensed insurance adjuster and can’t associate myself with people who threaten arson on Twitter. Even if they are joking.