By Jeff Moss
May 12, 2011
Dear Mr. Suh:
I am writing this letter to you on the behalf of all remaining Detroit Lions fans that haven’t offed themselves because of their NFL allegiance.
First of all, I want to tell you that I feel a little dirty writing you under the auspices of ALL Detroit Lions supporters. You see I am not like most Lions fans.
For one, I refuse to attend a game at Ford Field until the owner of your team drops dead.
Secondly, when said owner does croak, I am going to be throwing a party celebrating the event.
I also have all of my teeth. I think tailgating is a retarded waste of time. I am gainfully employed. I don’t have a “Restore the Roar” bumper sticker on my camper and I don’t post on the MLIVE.com Lions Forum.
Finally, none of my passwords on my computer have “Fontes “ or “Big Buck” in it.
But the one thing I can do is string sentences together and put them in paragraph form so I have taken it upon myself to beg you to change your mind about your summer lockout plans.
Maybe if we were fans of the New England Patriots or the Pittsburgh Steelers we wouldn’t be so freaked out about your decision to participate in a road rally race that ESPN.com compared to the “Cannonball Run”.
Fuck, EVEN if we were fans of the Bengals, Saints or Cardinals (all historically anemic franchises that have played in the Super Bowl while our team hasn’t), we probably wouldn’t be petrified that you have decided to race in the Gumball 3000.
And I am sure you think that participating in a 3,000-mile road rally is totally harmless. You are probably saying to yourself, “Sure the 2007 event was canceled in the middle of the event because of two fatalities, but heck, those victims weren’t even participating in the race.”
And I am sure that you think if Jason Priestley, Daryl Hannah and Kate Moss can compete in the event and come away unscathed, surely a 300-pound defensive tackle who is built like the Incredible Hulk can do the same
Except for one thing, big fella. Brandon Walsh and the mermaid from “Splash” don’t have the baggage of playing for the Detroit Lions.
You are talking about a fan base with a psyche that is more damaged than ……… shit …….. I have been staring at my laptop for fifteen minutes trying to think of any entity in the world with a more damaged spirit than Lions fans and I can’t even come close to topping it.
In the last fifty years we’ve watched a player die on the field, another suffer paralysis, a promising linebacker’s career end because of a neck injury, an offensive lineman die while cutting his lawn, and the greatest player in the history of the franchise walk away from the team in the PRIME OF HIS CAREER because he couldn’t deal with the inept owner any longer.
All of that and I haven’t even gotten to the Matt Millen era, the fact that one coach told the media he didn’t know what he had to do to get fired or the most embarrassing statistic in modern day sports …. ONE PLAYOFF WIN IN 47 YEARS during the sole ownership by William Clay Ford, Sr.
But even for the most hardened Lions’ fans that are openly rooting for your drunken owner’s death (me), you represent hope.
I have been watching my hometown team for about 35 years and there is no question in my mind that you are the best player to ever wear the Honolulu Blue and Silver who didn’t send his retirement letter to a newspaper in Wichita on the eve of training camp.
And you achieved this all in one dominating season in the NFL in which you were the Defensive Rookie of the Year.
And I am not even grading you on a curve and comparing you to recent Lions first round draft choices who:
1) Have drunkenly fallen asleep behind the wheel at a stop light in Novi.
2) Ate themselves into oblivion only to return to the league as a star wide-out in Seattle.
3) Played Chopin better than he could throw a spiral.
Not only did you sack the quarterback ten times in your ROOKIE season, which is fairly remarkable, you did it as a defensive tackle, which is almost unheard of.
You aren’t a lifelong Lions fan so you don’t even understand your own importance.
I mean, this is a team that once drafted a FIVE-FOOT-NINE(!!!!) cornerback in the first round and passed on RANDY FUCKING MOSS only to watch a divisional rival pick the sure-to-be First Ballot Hall of Famer three seconds later.
(I am only guessing that it took Dennis Green three seconds to call the Moss pick in for the Vikings ……. it might have been two.)
You spend 13 years dreaming of the potential of an offense with RANDY MOSS AND BARRY SANDERS on the SAME FUCKING FIELD and see how shell-shocked you’d be if you caught wind that the best player on your football team was deciding to go to Europe and do his best imitation of Dom DeLuise.
And I don’t want to hear that you are going to drive safely in the Gumball 3000. Or that you won’t be playing bumper cars. Or that you aren’t a crazy driver. All things you told ESPN.com when they interviewed you about this asinine endeavor.
Look, I don’t believe in ANYTHING.
I don’t believe in God or his Zombie Jew son, Jesus.
I don’t believe in Karma.
I don’t believe announcers can jinx a no-hitter by mentioning it on the air.
I don’t believe in conspiracy theories.
I don’t believe in fate or any of that shit.
But the Curse of the Detroit Lions under William Clay Ford, Sr.?
You’re god damn right I believe in that because I have witnessed it with my own four eyes.
So I am begging you on the behalf of all Detroit Lions fans that want nothing more than a Super Bowl in our lifetime, PLEASE RECONSIDER.
Do not get behind the wheel in this road rally.
Just stay at home and work out with your teammates. Play some video games. Have protected sex with all of the groupies you desire. Throw some Omaha Steaks on the grill in your backyard.
But please do not participate in the Gumball 3000.
I am not sure how long it takes to drive 3,000 miles, but Lions Nation can’t hold their collective breath that long. Hell, I get nervous watching you drive on that bridge in the Chrysler 300M commercial and I KNOW that you make it to your mom’s house in Portland safely.
If something were to happen to you in that race it might be the last straw for us Lions fans. I mean, if you were severely injured or even died in a horrific car crash, there might be a group suicide at Ford Field that would make Jim Jones blush.
WE’VE SUFFERED ENOUGH. Don’t put us through this.
And just to be safe, hire a lawn service to cut your grass while you are at it.