By Jeff Moss
May 10, 2011
I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want to come out of my self-imposed exile from writing articles for this dead website.
At this point I have had more comebacks than Brett Favre and Evander Holyfield put together and they’ve all been aborted at a rate that would even horrify Kacey Jordan.
(Are you back from Google’ing “Kacey Jordan Abortion” yet? Good, we can move on.)
Anyway, I waited almost 48 hours before writing this column in the hope that someone in the Detroit media would step up and rightfully bash Drew Sharp.
Of course, in this pussified, weak ass, minor league town, nobody said a word about Not the Sharpest Drew’s column which first appeared on the Detroit Free Press’ website Saturday evening.
Now, back when I actually updated this website, Sharp was one of my frequent targets. Sometimes I would go after his asinine columns that defied any logic whatsoever. Other times I’d attack his obviously attempts to bait his audience with positions he probably didn’t even believe.
But this latest transgression even trumps his famous “The NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament Should Be Canceled Because of the Iraq War” column that he wrote in 2003.
(By the way, if we would have listened to Sharp way back when and stopped the Final Four until the war was over, the last NCAA title team would have been Juan Dixon’s 2002 Maryland squad and Gary Williams would have retired this past weekend as a defending champion.)
No, what Sharp pulled on Saturday was journalism malpractice of the highest order and it had nothing to do with one of his fucked up opinions.
With Frodo Albom on some humanitarian mission in Haiti (or maybe writing a play on the life of Wyclef Jean) and Michael Rosenberg tied up in San Jose writing a Red Wings column littered with awful jokes that even people at The Comedy Zone in Charlotte find unfunny, the Free Press had only one option to write a column about Justin Verlander’s no-hitter. And that option was Drew Sharp.
Listen, I have no freaking clue what Drew was up to on Saturday afternoon, but I am pretty confident that he wasn’t watching the Tigers take on the Jays on Fox Sports Detroit.
Maybe he was watching “The King’s Speech” on Pay-Per-View as some sort of instructional video or maybe he was purchasing Propecia from an offshore website, but there is no chance in hell he was tuning into Verlander’s latest masterpiece.
How do I know this, you ask? Well, read the dumbshit’s column here and pay specific attention to the penultimate paragraph. When you are done get back over here and finish this wonderful blog entry.
Oh, you’re back? Shit. I was hoping you wouldn’t return so I could retire again and go back to the babysitter porn I was watching on my iPad2. Oh well.
Anyway, if, unlike Sharp, you actually watched the Tigers’ game on Saturday afternoon, you already know where I am going with this. It is now Monday at 6:47 pm as I write this and I am utterly dumbfounded that the Freep hasn’t taken down this piece of trash.
Sharp actually wrote the following:
“No-hitters come so frequently now that their respective quality gets graded. There was nothing cheap about this one — if there’s ever such a thing as a cheapie no-hitter ….. There was nothing controversial…… The biggest scare was a weak tap between the mound and third base that Verlander fielded, turned and short-hopped a throw to first that Miguel Cabrera barely secured.”
So let’s examine that paragraph starting at the bottom. Sharp states that the biggest scare Verlander had was a WEAK TAP BETWEEN THE MOUND AND THIRD BASE!!!!!
A weak tap? The play that Sharp is talking about was ANYTHING but a weak tap. Because I don’t trust anything written I read or hear in the Detroit Media, let’s leave the country and head to the Toronto Star for a recap of the same play:
“Verlander came perilously close to losing the perfect game and the no-no in the fifth when (Edwin) Encarnacion rifled a ground ball come backer to the mound that struck Verlander on the right forearm.
It left a glowing red welt, but Verlander recovered to throw out Encarnacion on a very close play at first base.”
Sharp never mentions the ball actually hit Verlander in the forearm. The right forearm. You know, the ONE HE FUCKING PITCHES WITH!!!!!!
He called it a weak tap. What the fuck? I mean, if Drew Sharp would have been covering the assassination of Abraham Lincoln, historians would have been led to believe that John Wilkes Booth’s gun shot at the Ford Theater barely grazed Abe’s head.
Princess Diana’s Paris car accident? A mere fender bender.
So who are we to believe, a guy who was in the press box in Toronto that said the ball was RIFLED or Drew “Weak Tap” Sharp who was probably out cutting his lawn at the time?
Wait, I know! There is this thing that was invented a few years back called the Intranets. Maybe, just maybe we can get to the bottom of this conundrum by doing a simple search of MLB.com.
Lookie what I found here. By doing about 45 seconds of research, I discovered ACTUAL VIDEO of the “weak tap” between the mound and third base:
Oh. Wait. That wasn’t a weak tap. It was actually a blistering shot off of Verlander’s pitching arm. One that led to JV getting medical assistance from the Tigers’ trainers before he headed out to the mound for the sixth inning.
“I was up in here with the trainers I was kind of like a boxer,” Verlander said. “You see between rounds they put the cold stuff and kind of squish, they were doing that with my forearm — I’ve got a pretty decent little lump there. But thankfully they did a great job, they got the swelling down and allowed me to continue going out there.”
That was sure a lot of damage for a WEAK TAP.
Not to go all Ron Popeil on you, but wait, there’s more. Sharp also wrote in that SAME paragraph that there was no controversy in the game at all. His exact quote was, “There was nothing controversial.”
I am actually starting to feel like Jon Stewart dissecting a Glenn Beck or Sean Hannity rant, but I gotta go back to the Toronto Star’s account of the Edwin Encarnacion “WEAK TAP”:
“Jays manager John Farrell argued the call at first and felt Encarnacion was safe.
‘I saw him as safe … there wasn’t a willingness to see a different angle,’ Farrell said. ‘From the dugout, I thought he was safe. They said it was a bang-bang play and they called it as they did.’”
Yep, no controversy at all, Drew. EXCEPT for that one play where the Toronto manager came out to argue an EXTEREMLY CLOSE, BANG-BANG play at first base.
And if you scroll back up to watch that MLB.com highlight again, you sure as shit can make the case that Encarnacion beat or tied the throw AND that Miguel Cabrera might have been juggling the ball.
If that had been the LAST play of the game and not an out in the fifth inning, that video would have been scrutinized just as much as the last play of Armando Galllllllarrrragga’s “Perfect Game.”
Of course, all of the above would have been easy to figure out if YOU WERE ACTUALLY WATCHING THE FUCKING GAME like I was.
So how could anyone get such key facts wrong on such a big story? Like, no-hitters are kind of a huge deal and the Tigers have only had seven of them in their entire history that now spans parts of three centuries.
After consulting with Journalism Fabricator Expert, Gus Haynes, I have come up with the following theory.
There wasn’t going to be a column about this Tigers game. Nobody had the assignment. But then Verlander decided to go and make history again and an editor at the paper decided WE HAVE TO HAVE A COLUMN FOR SUNDAY’S SPORTS SECTION.
Except Condescending Baggins was in Haiti without running water or a TV, Rosenberg was in a San Jose synagogue on the Sabbath and Sharp was the only columnist available.
The fact that he wasn’t actually WATCHING the game was neither here nor there. The Freep needed the column.
Look, I’ve got no problem with a columnist writing an article from his sofa. In this day and age, you probably get as much perspective watching on a 50” HDTV as you would if you were in the Press Box schmoozing with your buddies.
In fact, Bob Wojnowski wrote a fine column about Verlander’s no-hitter from the comfort of his own home on Saturday.
Of course, Wojo ACTUALLY watched the game, which can easily be verified from his Twitter account.
It is absolutely disgusting that a major newspaper would not only print this easily refuted account of the game, but also not have the decency to pull it when some editor noticed that the writer had TWO MAJOR FACTS COMPLETELY FUCKED!
I figured that surely someone would read this trash and yank it. I was so sure it would occur that I did a screen shot of the Freep website page so I could save it for posterity.
It turned out that I didn’t even have to take that precaution. Nobody cares that a columnist wrote about a game that he didn’t even bother to watch.
That is what the media in this town has come down to.
And not one of his fellow gutless members of the media had the fucking balls to call Sharp on it.
Based on Sharp’s history he should have been fired for this column. At the very least it is just as bad as Mitch Albom’s fictional account of Mateen Cleaves and Jason Richardson attending a Michigan State tournament game and warrants some public apology and suspension.
And if you think that I am jumping to conclusions and questioning how I could possibly know that Sharp wasn’t watching the game?
Well, if you think that Sharp is so fucking dense that he doesn’t know the difference between a line shot up the middle and a weak tap between the mound and third, that is your prerogative.
I happen to give Not the Sharpest Drew more credit.
Shit, you might have a point.