By Jeff Moss
June 16, 2013
If you haven’t noticed I’ve been blocked by a lot of Detroit media personalities on Twitter. So, the only way for me to keep up with the idiocy of the local sports media is to create a fake account under an assumed name.
So, while building my latest Twat Box Alias the other day and adding the 42 jackholes who have blocked me from the social media site, I noticed that the Twitter algorithm that determines “Follow Suggestions” kept asking me to follow myself.
Look, I am not going to criticize anyone’s masturbatory habits, but following yourself from a dummy account is a little pathetic. Even for me.
Anyway, it would seem over the last couple of months I have been gaining a lot of Twitter followers based on a suggestion from the site that I am somehow similar to idiots like Tim “The Size of” Twentyman, Dave “HUGE” Hogg and Not the Sharpest Drew.
Twitter’s “Who to Follow” computer generated database is obviously flawed as I am only “similar” to Terry Foster, Matt Shepard and Chris I(di)ott in that we are all carbon life forms who need oxygen and water to survive.
And a lot of times my newly gained followers only last a few days when they discover that I like to call idiot female media personalities “twats” and half of my Tweets are blasts at the people who Twitter based their suggestion on in the first place.
Usually I get a Tweet from one of these newbies after about 24 hours in which they ask, “Moss, you asshole ….. do you like ANYONE?”
My standard answer is “John Niyo” so I figured I would write an explanation why so I can just post this link in the future when I predictably get this inquiry.
I don’t want to say that John Niyo is head-and-shoulders above all of his co-workers at the Detroit News, but the fact that the best sportswriter in town works at the same paper as Chris McCosky, Lynn Henning and Tony Paul … well, just imagine if Daniel Day-Lewis starred in the next WWE Studios film with The Miz, Randy Orton and Wade Barrett.
Or The Chaperone 2 starring Paul Levesque and Meryl Streep. That’s the corollary.
Niyo’s columns are great. Niyo’s Tweets are great. Niyo’s Re-Tweets are great. The reason I didn’t do a 2012 version of the DSR Raggies is because Niyo would have won every single award and it would have looked as creepy as James Franco’s relationship with Seth Rogen in “This is the End.”
I mean, do you know anyone else in town that would write a column ridiculing Joe Dumars’ last few years as General Manager in Detroit or Tweet out a rip on Fox Sports Detroit’s Rod “Mr. Bojangles” Allen?
Not only that, Niyo is pretty much the only member of the Detroit sports media who doesn’t pray at the “Church of Ken Holland” and has mocked the Wings GM for his reticence to call-up young players from Grand Rapids.
Niyo is actually like a very watered down version of me if I was in therapy five days a week, on a daily dose of Xanax and Mirtazapine and had three young daughters who were depending on my words to feed them.
In all of the years of Niyo has been writing articles for the News, I can’t remember one instance where I vehemently disagreed with one of his opinions.
Hell, he even wrote an article at the 2012 Olympics about a wrestler who was a big Howard Stern fan. Sometimes I think he is catering to an audience of one. Me.
Not only is Niyo the best sports columnist in Detroit (other than me, of course), he is the best writer the city has had in my lifetime. I know the competition hasn’t exactly been fierce in the last 40 years with names like Joe Falls, Jerry Green, Charlie Vincent and George Puscas, but still a win is a win.
(Frodo Condescending Baggins Albom would have been his only competition for that crown, but the last ten years of his career have been worse than Willie Mays in a Mets uniform crossed with the last few films of Billy Wilder’s directorial career.)
So why does Niyo write his articles in virtual anonymity? The News does absolutely nothing to promote his work. He doesn’t have a regular radio gig like known brain surgeons Pat Caputo and Terry Foster.
And the biggest joke of all is the most intelligent purveyor of sports information in town can’t even get a regular gig on a Sunday night TV sports show.
(How anonymous is Niyo? When picking out a photograph for the top of this article, I went to Google Images. There is only ONE picture of the guy in their database. ONE. I was tempted to just use a pic of Phil Ivey or Tiger Woods to see if anyone would have even noticed.)
While Michael Stone is doling out his dull, middle of the road opinions on Channel 7, Dan Miller is dumbing down the discourse on Fox 2 with a combination of Foster, Sharp, Caputo and Jamie Samuelsen and Local 4 CONTINUES to employ four-time loser Rob Parker.
(Editor’s Note: After this article was published, I learned that Niyo has been asked a couple of times recently to appear on Sportsworks and Niyo couldn’t do it. THANKS, JOHN.)
I have implored Miller to give a regular Sportsworks rotation slot to Niyo on Twitter and in personal emails to absolutely no avail. He’d rather continue to do his audience a huge disservice with people even HE doesn’t respect out of what I can only imagine is some sort of false sense of loyalty.
And WDIV is the biggest offender of them all as they continue to pollute the local airwaves with Parker’s awfulness.
Let’s just recap Waab’s career highlights that somehow have gotten him this gig over this well-respected journalist who replaced him as a columnist at the News.
1) Parker got fired from ESPN for questioning if Robert Griffin III was a “cornball brutha” and not down with the “cause” because he is engaged to a white chick and might vote for Republicans. Of course, Parker is a true “brutha” who earned his stripes by claiming his favorite show of all-time is the “Golden Girls.” I mean, all real African-Americans love THAT show. I heard the buyer for that $1.9 million painting of Bea Arthur was actually Inspectah Deck.
2) Parker once went on Sports Final Edition and reported that MSU QB Kirk Cousins was involved in the Michigan State brawl that involved the school’s hockey and football players. Parker initially defended his erroneous report and then had to offer a mea culpa when it was learned that Cousins was actually off campus at his parent’s house in Holland when the brawl went down.
How did Parker get the story wrong? Well, one of his moles said something about one of the player’s cousins being there and he mistook that for “Kirk Cousins.” What an absolute imbecile.
3) He lied about his close personal relationship with Lions head coach Rod Marinelli when Parker made his infamous press conference joke regarding Lions ex-head coach possibly regretting that his daughter didn’t marry a better defensive coordinator. That lie and the entire situation got him demoted at the paper and caused Parker to eventually quit.
4) The $5,000.00 gift he took from Joe Dumars.
Even with that Superfecta of Journalistic Malpractice, Parker STILL has his position at WDIV while Niyo sits at home on Sunday evenings watching “Game of Thrones” or “Mad Men.”
Will SOMEONE please give this dude a radio or TV gig soon? Between his asinine smoking habit (I hope he has quit since the last time I saw him lighting up) or this “Contagion-esque” virus that permeates everyone in Detroit who covers sports for a living and turns them into shit, we might be running out of time.
If you want to know the disparity between Niyo and the rest of his media brethren, well here is a picture of him congregating with some of his fellow Detroit sports media personalities in the Red Wings locker room.
So, yeah. I don’t hate everyone. And if I were John Niyo, I’d print this column up and hang it in my office. It’s more valuable than a fucking Pulitzer Prize.