The Dodgers Are Going To Give Me a Stroke

Gabe Kapler 002

By Jeff Moss
November 8, 2014

It’s been a rough week for Poor Jeff Mess. The cowardly Democrats got crushed on Tuesday. Chili’s new chemo medicine is wreaking havoc with his stomach and he hasn’t had a solid bowel movement in days. The Tigers passed on Joe Maddon because they thought they were all set with Brad “Mimbo Imbecile” Ausmus.

I didn’t think things could get any worse, but then the Los Angeles Dodgers decided to hire every smart person in baseball to complement their huge payroll advantage over the other 29 franchises.

It wasn’t even THAT bad when new chief executive Andrew Friedman (don’t even get me started on that) hired the brilliant Oakland A’s executive Farhan Zaidi as the team’s General Manager.

[By the way, does anyone know who is going to be hosting CNN’s “Farhan Zaidi GPS” program on Sunday now?]

Wait, what? The Dodgers went and stole one of the best GM’s in ALL OF BASEBALL from Tampa and he isn’t even going to be their fucking GENERAL MANAGER!!!! What kind of arrogant Floyd Mayweather bullshit is THAT?!?!™ (Chris Rock.)

Nope. Friedman is going to oversee Zaidi. Which would be like hiring Warren Buffet to run your business and then two weeks later he decides, “ya know what, I think I will delegate some of these responsibilities to STEVE JOBS!!”

So now the Dodgers are the only baseball franchise to enjoy a total budget Peter North of $200 million; they also employ the boy genius GM who kept the Rays competitive on a McDonald’s Super Saver budget AND a baseball savant with an economics degree from MIT and a doctorate in economics from California-Berkeley!!!

How is that even fair? It’s the baseball equivalent of that movie “Lucy” coming to life where not only is Scarlett Johansson the hottest chick in the freaking world, but she also has an IQ of 1,324.

If were the end of that story, I’d be ready to commit suicide. But as that dead cokehead Billy Mays used to say, “But wait …. THERE IS MORE!!!”

OK. I now officially believe in God and that motherfucker is punishing me for being such a prick all of my life. They are taking Gabe Kapler too?!!? A few months ago, I wrote an article in which I implored the Tigers to hire the magnificent Fox Sports One analyst to replace the team’s resident buffoon, Rod Allen.

I knew it was a pipe dream for the team to fire Allen and replace him with the pumped-up advanced metric advocate, but what I didn’t know is that I was trying to get Kap a gig in the WRONG DEPARTMENT; Friedman hired “Gabe the Babe” to run the team’s minor league system!!!!!

[I am sorry for all of the exclamation points in this article. I don’t mean to come across as Jake Jarmel on crystal meth, but I am about to have a seizure here, folks.]

This is absolutely awful. I mean, Magic Johnson couldn’t have purchased the freaking Tigers? HELLO!!!! He is from East Lansing. It’s like an hour or so away from Comerica Park.

So while we are stuck with a jackass who can’t solve that Rubik’s Cube known as the bullpen, the Dodgers will probably win a couple of World Series titles over the next few years AND the front office will cure Muscular Dystrophy in their spare time.

But don’t fret, Tigers fans. Just this week, we brought back Alan Trammell as a special assistant to “Divot Chin” Dave Dombrowski. And who doesn’t love Tram?

But I have never heard anyone compare the team’s ex-manager to Sir Isaac Newton. Hell, Tram couldn’t even figure out a way to get a prescription of Retin-A when he was a teen.

Tram’s great. He probably is my favorite Tiger ever. His fucking number should have been retired YESTERDAY along with Lou Whitaker’s. But he’s just another guy who has been fired like three times as a manager or coach. He’s no difference maker, that’s for sure.

At this point, I am just rooting for Friedman to put me in my grave. How about ya hire Stephen Hawking to run group ticket sales? Or Terrence Tao to be the new team mascot? Damien Sandow as director of concessions? Awww, the hell with it.

This is the big one, Elizabeth.

Actually, you know what? I am going to stay positive. Let Kapler get the front office experience he needs in LA with no chance of moving up the ladder because he is blocked by Farhan Farhan.

And then when Dan Gilbert eventually buys the Tigers from the Ilitch family,  he can hire Kap to replace Dombrowski. The Quicken mogul seems to like hiring Jewish guys to run his sports teams.

How is that David Blatt doing anyway?

Yikes. Forget I mentioned it.

Where’s that bottle of Jack Daniel’s anyway?