By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
May 26, 2016
I really hate mailbag articles. I think they are absolutely lazy and a lowest-common-denominator form of sportswriting. Not to mention anyone writing a “Mailbag” Q & A column seems to be biting Bill Simmons’ act even though this crap has been going on since Iffy the Dopester was in diapers.
(Are the millennials back yet from Googling “Iffy the Dopester” yet? Good, we can continue.)
But I am currently a passenger in a car on an eight-hour drive to Virginia; I am bored as shit and have no brilliant concepts for a new article so I opened the floor to my bloodthirsty Twitter followers.
Oh, you think I am being too hard on my social media minions? Did you see the results of this recent Anthony Fenech-related poll?
78% of you psychopaths believe I shouldn’t let up at all on the hipster dipshit Free Press Detroit Tigers beat writer. I mean, in a photo finish “Not Mean Enough” actually won the god damn poll. I gotta know what that 39% thinks I should do to the guy that I haven’t already.
Purchase a used PT Cruiser and custom paint it to include all of his past transgressions (sexual harassment, stalking, super drunk driving, etc.) and circle Comerica Park during home games? That’s a joke, nutjobs.
Anyway, before we get to the questions of the unwashed masses, I should summarize the week in Detroit sports media because … man …. has it been a doozy.
Let’s begin with the news that Chris Iott announced he was leaving his gig covering the Tigers beat for MLIVE.com. And let me tell ya, Iott will really be missed.
The dude NEVER broke a story while covering the team and was a huge apologist for the organization. His main contributions were Tweeting out when The Replacements were being played on the Target Field PA system and whining when a Dave Dombrowski conference call announcing either a trade or a free-agent signing was interrupting his dinner plans.
I mean, ACTUAL journalists are dodging IEDs and gunfire in Fallujah and this loser is actually complaining that he has to cover one of the biggest trades in team history. Oh yeah, the conference call he was crying about was convened to announce the Prince Fielder for Ian Kinsler deal. Guess Applebee’s had to wait.
But this story actually gets worse. Read this Twitter interaction between Iott and 92.1FM radio host Ryan Schuiling …
“No longer afraid of saying something to get me fired, I suppose.” Who was he scared of? His employer? The Tigers PR staff? Are you kidding me with this shit?
And then it all made sense when the following announcement was posted on the monstrous left field scoreboard yesterday at Comerica Park …..
“From your friends at the Detroit Tigers.” You aren’t supposed to be friends with the subjects whom you cover!!!! And when you “retire” from your JOURNALISM job you shouldn’t get this sort of treatment. I doubt if Glenn Greenwald left The Intercept he’d be getting any bouquets from Benjamin Netanyahu. Nor would Jeremy Scahill from the White House.
And save me the, “yeah, but those are real journalists” drivel. THAT’S EXACTLY MY POINT.
If a subject I covered did something similar to the below upon my retirement, I’d slit my wrists open at home plate and demand Elliott Smith’s “Needle in the Hay” be my walkup suicide music. Don’t get any ideas, Bill Keenist.
Actually, MLIVE.com had quite the banner week as this was just the first leg of a Pick-3 shitstorm. Next, you had this Tweet from their thin-skinned, franchise mouthpiece, Ansar Khan ….
Good to see that DET beatwriters are consistently professional and are making an effort to learn analytics pic.twitter.com/wW2ZaWh18t
— Prashanth Iyer (@iyer_prashanth) May 23, 2016
Like, can you imagine? I know we learned this week that African-Americans weren’t down with math but Pakistanis (or Indians) also? Next month is the 13th anniversary of the publication of “Moneyball” by Michael Lewis and jackhole imbeciles like Khan (!!!!!!!!) are still making HILARIOUS “mom’s basement” jokes. Ya gotta believe me.
And you wonder why Detroit sports fans — or fans in any city, for that matter — are so uninformed. They are influenced by absolute dummies like Scott Anderson and Khan who believe sabermetrics are a punchline and not the new normal.
And finally, before I open up this to some questions from the Twittersphere, you had the following comments from Brendan Savage. Another MLIVE stooge.
I am not sure what was worse, his comment absolving Holland of any blame for the Pavel Datsyuk debacle, or his actual belief that Holland is responsible for those four rings.
I am not going to go through this for the 1,823rd time, but to give much credit at all to Holland for the first two Cups is absolutely embarrassing.
(Holland is somewhere behind Nick Polano, Jimmy Devellano, Bryan Murray, Mike Ilitch’s pocketbook, Hakan Andersson, Scotty Bowman, Mo Cheese, Orange Hat Guy and Alto Reed for the first two championships and some of those same people plus agent Rich Winter for the third.)
It would be like giving John F. Kennedy, Jr. huge props for being a ladies man. Well, yeah, give me the Kennedy money, the Kennedy name and those movie-star good looks and I am sure pussy would be throwing itself at me also.
And yes, the post-salary cap era for Holland is the equivalent of John John’s brilliant idea to fly a plane without the proper experience.
Just insert Jonathan Ericsson’s contract extension for “never received a weather briefing” and the Calle Jarnkrok and Mattias Janmark trades for “did not contact any air flight controllers …”
I was hoping that Tony Paul would get the gig replacing Iott at the online publication. But after the past week, I am worried something might be infused in the Booth Newspapers water system.
I hope Kyle Meinke and Justin Rogers have their proper vaccinations.
And now to the mailbag …..
Well, Racist Cop, I’d have to say a Matt Porath 68 and a Jasper Apollonia 7.5. Actually, this is the first I am hearing about a logo change and I really couldn’t care less.
Hell, they could go back to the teal uniforms with “Fort Wayne” imprinted on the front of the jersey as long as Stan Van Gundy can figure out a way to trade Andre Drummond for one of the first two picks in the upcoming entry draft (plus a little extra).
Hopefully, once the team gets healthy, Cameron Maybin will return to the bottom of the lineup …. where he belongs. This clamoring from the dolt fanbase to place him either in the leadoff spot or right in front of Miguel Cabrera is asinine.
Dude entered the season with a career OBP of .314. His current NINE-GAME, 33-at-bat stretch is a mirage. You don’t need Christian Bale, Ryan Gosling or Steve Carrell to warn you that a market correction is coming. And soon.
Keep him in the seventh or eighth slot and be HAPPY with whatever you get out of the team’s former first-round pick.
A windstorm that caused a large tree to fall on Sergei Fedorov’s security gate outside his house, which led me to represent him in his claim against his insurer. 1984 World Series and 1997 Stanley Cup are a distant tie for second.
Who knows? The last I heard, he hadn’t even been contacted yet for an interview. Greater Media COULD be waiting until they no longer have a financial obligation to either Matt Dery or Dave Shore, which I believe will be the case within the next month or so.
Another name 105.1 could consider is former WXYT PD Dan Zampillo.
But all is quiet on the Western Front.
Let’s do it by assigning odds to each of the entities that could potentially pull this off.
Tigers: 5 to 2
Pistons: 7 to 2
Red Wings: 6 to 1
Detroit City FC: 10 to 1
Dan Gilbert/Tom Gores’ Future MLS Franchise: 25 to 1
Lions: 58 to 1
Fictional Detroit Team in a Mike Binder movie starring Kevin Costner: EVEN
No response to the 1,300 word email yet. I am sure a notice for a PPO is being crafted by Greater Media’s corporate counsel.
In early negotiations for Sour Shoes to duet with Theo “Gridiron Lions” Spight in a version of “Little Drummer Boy” with an accompanying shot-for-shot reproduction of the Bing Crosby/David Bowie video.
Also, I thought it was incredibly rude and insensitive that you didn’t even flinch when Richard suddenly passed out and hit his head on Action Jack’s desk.
- The Insider
- Heat
- Collateral
- The Last of the Mohicans
- Manhunter
- Pilot of “Luck”
- Ali
- Miami Vice
- Public Enemies
- Blackhat
To be fair, I have only seen about 30 minutes of Blackhat. And I probably shouldn’t admit this in print but I have never seen Thief. I will get on that this weekend.
I believe Terry Foster re-upped about 18 months ago. No clue on the length of his contract.
Regarding the second part of your question, remember when Alan Colmes used to co-host with Sean Hannity on Fox News? Think of a chasm that wide. And Foster ain’t Hannity.
The interesting thing about any Foster negotiation with 97.1 is he doesn’t have much leverage. Detroit Sports 105.1 views him as baggage on the show with Mike Valenti and it would be doubtful that they’d even be interested in making an offer for his services.
Speaking of which, heard an interesting tidbit recently. When it became clear that Valenti wasn’t leaving the market and 97.1 was holding firm on contract numbers for him to remain in Detroit, Valenti’s agent, Mort Meisner, made a last-ditch effort to open negotiations with Greater Media.
I am told 105.1 Vice-President Steve Chessare had no interest in either paying Valenti the kind of money he was demanding or being a pawn in Meisner’s game to increase Valenti’s bargaining position.
OK. This will have to be the last question because I can’t take my wife’s driving any longer …..
I am not saying I “like” this person, but I think if I ever met Jim Leyland we might get along. While I completely disagreed with his worldview of the game of baseball and believe he cost the team its best chance to win a World Series in 2013 during the ALCS, we do share a common obsession over horse racing.
And his good friend and retired Calder Race Course track announcer Phil Saltzman was my second favorite race caller of all-time.
Of course, this is all dependent on Leyland having no clue I used to harass his son, Patrick, incessantly on Twitter.
And what a WONDERFUL eighth-round draft pick he was!!!!!