Manny Acta in 2013

By Jeff Moss
September 18, 2012

A couple of years ago, Cleveland Indians management hired Manny Acta to manager their low-rent baseball team.

When the decision was made that the former Washington Nationals field boss would be taking over the Tribe, 97.1’s Matt “The Weasel” Dery met the announcement with tremendous glee.

As you probably already know, the career update anchor is a Cleveland native and one of the biggest Indians fans on the planet.   I was initially taken aback by Dery’s enthusiasm considering Acta put up a record of 158-252 in the Nation’s Capital.

How could anyone get excited about a manager with a .385 career winning percentage? I mean, the Lions have employed coaches with a better track record than that.

So, naturally I mocked “The Weasel” and figured he was wearing Tribe colored glasses regarding his favorite team’s new hire.

Well, I am here to tell you that I was DEAD WRONG to ridicule the hiring.  Dery was 100 percent correct that Acta was and is the man for the job.

You may be asking yourself right about now, why am I discussing this topic years later when Manny Acta is currently the skipper of a 61-86 team in the midst of a free-fall?

Because Manny Acta is probably about two weeks away from the unemployment line and when he gets the unfair boot, I desperately want him to be the next manager of the Detroit Tigers.

Now, some of you retards out there who lack the mental capacity of a flea probably think I have finally lost all semblance of sanity.   Why the fuck would anyone want a Cleveland sloppy seconds to manage their favorite team especially when his career win percentage is .418.

Well, you are falling into the same damn trap that I did when ridiculing Dery a couple years back.  You probably don’t know jack shit about Manny Acta.  Your knowledge of the man is all derived from Won/Loss record and the games you watch when the Tigers are playing this man’s team.

In other words, you have no fucking clue what you are talking about.  Just like me back in October of 2009.

You see, Manny Acta has been given AWFUL teams for his entire managerial career.  Teams with low payrolls and poor executive management.

And if you don’t believe me, why don’t you ask Manny Acta’s current closer about the ownership of the Cleveland Indians in comparison to the Detroit Tigers because I am pretty sure Chris Perez would give you an earful.

The Tribe’s 2012 payroll is $54 million LESS than their divisional rivals in Detroit.   Mark Shuh-PIE-row and company have been giving Acta a butter knife to take to a nuclear weapons fight.

So why do I want Acta? What makes this guy so special when his record is anything but?  A good guess would be that in 2011, Acta kept an economically disadvantaged franchise in the AL Central race until Labor Day.

Hell, even this season in which he most likely will get fired, he kept the Indians afloat until the All-Star game even though their talent is nowhere near the level of the White Sox or Tigers.

But those aren’t the reasons I am starting my “Acta in 2013” campaign today.

The main reason I am an Acta guy is because he is pretty much EVERYTHING that Jim Leyland is not.

Manny Acta is a devout believer in sabermetrics.

Manny Acta has an analytical mind and believes in science and math.

Manny Acta doesn’t eat chicken during his post-game press conferences and disgustingly talk with his mouth full.

Manny Acta wears clean underwear around the clubhouse.

Manny Acta owns an iPad.

Manny Acta thinks bunting is idiotic in 98% of all game situations.

Manny Acta listens to the Surgeon General warning regarding carcinogens.

Manny Acta doesn’t believe a sample size of six is credible information to make a decision.

Manny Acta loves computers and even has a TWITTER ACCOUNT.

Do you think in the biggest game of the year with the season on the FUCKING LINE, Manny Acta would have sat Andy Dirks and his .844 OPS? No, you want to know why?


Do you think in a make or break matchup versus a team you are trailing by two games in the division with 16 to go, Manny Acta would have bunted Omar Infante and taken the bat out of the best hitter in ALL OF BASEBALL?!?!?!?!!??!?

I can guaranfuckingtee you that never would happen with Manny in the dugout.  Here’s how I know:

“Bunting is pretty outdated. Everybody scores so many runs nowadays, it doesn’t make sense to play for one run unless it’s late in the game and it’s close. I hardly ever bunt early in a game, unless it’s with a pitcher. A big inning can win you a game. One run in the third inning can’t, unless you have Pedro (Martinez) pitching.”

You know who said that? @Mactriber_11.  Well, we are going to have to work on that username when he gets to Detroit.

Seriously, this man has studied the numbers and has come to the conclusion that giving other teams FREE OUTS is retarded.  Imagine that.

Giving a team a free out and then KNOWINGLY taking the bat out of MIGUEL CABRERA’s hands is so fucking crazy that I can’t even come up with a proper adjective.

It would be the equivalent of Mike Scioscia taking a tire iron to Mike Trout’s knees before an Angels game.

Look, right before Acta took over the reigns of the Indians, the Tribe hosted a town-hall meeting to introduce Manny.

During that get-together, a fan asked if Acta would be bunting more than the previous manager, Mike “Human Rain Delay” Hargrove.

Here is the summary of The Anti-Leyland’s answer:

This would have been an opportunity for Acta to simply tell the fan what he wanted to hear, but instead he turned the tables on him, asking him if he would let one of his best hitters bunt with a man on first and none out in order to get the runner into scoring position. The fan answered in the affirmative, and Acta quickly told him he was wrong, before launching into his sabermetric-aided beliefs. He said unless the hitter in question is batting below .240, the stats suggest that you’re better off letting the hitter swing away.

“People think it’s the absolute right thing to bunt [in that situation],” Acta said, “but you need to check the stats. Back in the day, we didn’t have computers, we didn’t have Twitter, we didn’t have Facebook. They’ve come up with some things that make you open your eyes and not play like Casey Stengel used to play.”

Back in the day we didn’t have computers? Hell, our current imbecile manager still doesn’t know how to use one!!!!!! And we are still playing the game like Casey Stengel.

I love Manny Acta.  I want to make love to Manny Acta’s thoughts on bunting and advanced metrics.  I don’t give a fuck what his record is with two lousy organizations.  He has never been given a chance.

I mean, do you remember when Manny Acta was handed a $140 million payroll, Miguel Cabera, Justin Verlander, Max Scherzer, Prince Fielder and Austin Jackson?

Yeah, me NEITHER.

IF the Tigers and Jim Leyland part ways (I’d insert a plea to a deity right here if I weren’t an atheist), there will be a lot of names bandied about as his replacement.

Tom Brookens will get an interview and is supposedly loved by Mike Ilitch, but what the fuck do we know about Tom Brookens’ philosophies?

The popular choice will be Terry Francona and he surely would be an upgrade over our current corpse, but even Francona isn’t as SABR friendly as Acta.

It probably also won’t hurt his candidacy that Acta is of Hispanic descent considering the Tigers employ a plethora of Latin players.  In fact, Acta is basically a Hispanic version of Joe Maddon.

After seven years of having to witness a relic manage the Tigers with antiquated thinking, I would actually prefer the hiring of Acta to a free-agent signing just for my OWN MENTAL HEALTH.

And would I agree with every move that Manny Acta would make as Tigers manager? Of course not, but I am pretty sure I would at least understand the PHILOSOPHY behind it.

For a few weeks now I have been mentioning on Twitter and Facebook that Acta would be the perfect choice for Dave Dombrowski in 2013.  Some of the DSR illuminati have picked up on this cause.

On Tuesday morning, Michael “@HeathBlizzGuy” Bochenek decided to call into Scott Anderson and Doug Karsch’s program on WXYT-FM to berate Leyland for his continued managerial malpractice.

That fat slob virgin co-host responded to Bochenek’s attack by asking the caller whom HE would rather have as manager of this team.  When Bochenek mentioned Acta as a possibility, the WHALE hung up on Master Shake and berated him for the suggestion.

Yep, instead of engaging in a discussion, this hippopotamus cowardly dumped Bochenek and mocked him without the fear of a rebuttal.

Well, you can consider this the DSR’s official rebuttal, you cholesterol addled FREAK.

I am not sure what I would like to see more, Manny Acta as the Tigers next manager or this Human Carotid Artery to stroke out on the air and collapse on his partner, Benedict, while crushing Karsch’s esophagus.

Can I have both? After watching the Tigers this season, I think it what I am owed.