Hey Dennis Cholowski …. Welcome to Detroit!!!


By Jeff Moss
June 24, 2016

Dear Dennis,

Welcome to Detroit. Congratulations on being selected #20th overall in the 2016 NHL Draft by an Original Six franchise and an organization that has hoisted the Stanley Cup eleven times.

Now, let me fill you in on some details regarding the team you are now joining. Consider this a gratuity from the DetroitSportsRag.

I hope you like craft beer, the New Testament and Amway products because you will be spending A LOT of time in the city of Grand Rapids. That is where the Wings’ minor league team is located so start preparing to navigate the national chain restaurants along 28th Street.

If you would like more information about your future home, just dial up either Ryan Sproul or Xavier Ouellet. Both of these gentleman would be quality tour guides as they have spent an inordinate amount of time in Michigan’s Bible Belt. Please hurry though because I believe they are on the verge of filing for Social Security.

Here is another bit of advice. Don’t break your leg before the start of your first professional season and struggle coming out of the gate because the team’s General Manager from the 1980s will destroy you though the press.

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And if that doesn’t crush your soul, your new boss Ken Holland will stomp on whatever is left of your heart …..

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Yep, you are joining an organization that places an inordinate amount of emphasis on how many points you rack up in the AHL. Look Dennis, if you want to play in the NHL (we call it the Men’s League in Detroit), ya better be an AHL superstar.

Because if you don’t set the American Hockey League on fire, it doesn’t matter what you do in Detroit. You can lead the team in penalties drawn and score more goals per 60 minutes played than anyone else on the roster and it won’t matter one bit according to your head coach Jeff Blashill ….

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Oh, yes. That might be your coach one day if he somehow survives until 2023. And if he is your bossman when you arrive in the Motor City you can refer to him as the “Naked Goalie.”

Why the “Naked Goalie?” Because when Blash was a netminder at Ferris State when he was your age, he had a propensity to go to house parties and strip down to his birthday suit while the other partygoers would scream “Naked Goalie! Naked Goalie! Naked Goalie!”

Finally, if you beat all of the odds and actually make it to Detroit and develop into an explosive top pair defenseman, be very careful about the press.

Oh no, they aren’t critical like Toronto or Montreal’s media. They’ll probably never say a negative word about you.

But keep an eye on this shitbag Gregg Krupa who works for the Detroit News.


[This paragraph redacted for the fear of pissing off Social Warriors everywhere.]

Finally, you won’t have to worry about this for 17 years, but if you ever sign an “Over 35” contract in Detroit, don’t worry, the fanbase and management really won’t care if you don’t fulfill your commitment.

Anyway, welcome to the Red Wings family. Hopefully we will all live long enough to see you play in Little Caesars Arena (yes, that’s the name of our new building.)


Jiff Myst