By Jeff Moss
September 10, 2016
After the Detroit Tigers dropped two out of three games earlier this week to the lowly, playing-out-the-string Chicago White Sox, I had a meltdown/nervous breakdown regarding the managerial stylings of Brad Ausmus.
By Thursday — an off-day for the Tigers — I still hadn’t cooled off even after writing an article entitled “You Dumb Fucking Cunt Manager.” That exercise was not as cathartic as I thought it would be.
So I wanted to show my displeasure at the continued managerial malpractice of the Dartmouth Dipshit at Friday’s Tigers/Orioles game. I contacted this site’s sponsor, CaliTickets.com (mention the DSR, Joff Myst or the Ivy League Imbecile and get a 10% discount on your next ticket order), and asked him to hook me up with some seats near Ausmus.
I wanted to ask the Tigers’ manager if he understood that the only objective of lineup construction is placing your best hitters at the top of the order so they get the most at-bats. (See the Orioles and Blue Jays.)
I wanted to ask Ausmus why the red-hot J.D. Martinez was batting behind the struggling Victor Martinez.
I wanted to ask Ausmus why the Tigers called up lefty slugger Steven Moya when Ausmus refused to insert him against the Pale Sox even though he is a better option against right-handed pitching than approximately 60% of his current roster.
I wanted to ask him what his most embarrassing moment as a member of the Tigers organization was …. Tuesday’s performance on the South Side of Chicago, or intimidating and using vulgar profanity towards a flight attendant who was being sexually harassed by his teammates back when he was PLAYING for this team?
Unfortunately, I couldn’t get close enough to Ausmus to pose these queries because CaliTickets got me these garbage ducats instead ……
Yes, that was me in the fourth row behind home plate for the first game of a crucial series between the Tigers and the Orioles. And while those seats were great for getting on television, they weren’t so hot for me asking Ausmus the above “Four Questions™” (Passover). Brad should get that reset. At least 50% of him.
I had to come up with another way to show my displeasure so I decided to wear my “Fire Brad” t-shirt in the hopes of getting it on the Fox Sports Detroit broadcast. But this was going to be problematic for two reasons.
1] Four years ago I attempted to wear a t-shirt protesting the managerial ineptitude of Jim Leyland at Comerica Park. Here was that shirt …
I didn’t even get down to my SEATS before some crusty old usher told me that I couldn’t wear that “offensive” shirt and that I would have to reverse it if I wanted to stay inside the park. I took my First Amendment argument all the way to Guest Services where I was once again denied the right to wear the “Let Leyland Go” gear.
2] Knowing what had occurred in 2012, I decided to wear a hoodie over my “Fire Brad” shirt until I could get to my seat. And if it wasn’t suspicious enough that I was wearing a HOODIE while it was 85 degrees outside, my companion for the evening was a brown-skinned, Corey Hart disciple named Melrose Jerry Green ….
Yep, two days before the 15th anniversary of 9/11, a guy with a hoodie and THAT nervous Muslim-looking kid wearing sunglasses at night (so I can so I can watch you weave then breathe your story lines) showed up in the fourth row behind home plate. I am actually shocked that I am not writing this article from inside a cell at Guantanamo Bay.
And not only that, the usher in our section was the SAME FUCKING curmudgeon who gave me shit in 2012 about the Leyland tee.
Luckily, I was able to wedge myself into a position where this particular usher couldn’t really see me and I eventually took the hoodie off.
Oh, but before I get to that, can I show you a picture of a total loser who, before the game commenced, asked home plate umpire “Cowboy” Joe West if he could have the lineup card after the game? ….
Yes. This dork was sporting a SIGNED Andrew Romine jersey, wearing an Orioles hat at the visiting park™ (Elaine Benes) and carrying a Chicago Blackhawks duffle bag.
And yet, this wasn’t even the most embarrassing Joe West fan experience of the evening. Stay tuned for that.
Anyway, I was able to get the shirt on the broadcast mainly because the guy to the left of me must have had a urinary tract infection and kept getting up to go to the concourse. This gave me the opportunity to stand up and display the shirt.
And yes, that is a foam “#1 Tigers Fan” finger on my right hand. Melrose and I felt it would be absolutely distracting to the ushers if I acted like “Super Fan” during the game while modeling the “Fire Brad” shirt. And the three rotating ushers in our section seemed perplexed and never made one comment about my choice of clothing.
Here is a snippet of my best Jimmy James imitation …
This is a video of Cowboy Joe temporarily fooling me …
Here I am frustrated at an Erick Aybar strikeout ….
I was also less than thrilled with V-Mart and Justin Upton K’s ….
But, in the end, Victor redeemed his awful night with a bomb to right-center which gave the Tigers a much needed victory in their battle to culminate a 162-game season with a one-game playoff.
The DSR’s night wasn’t over yet though. With two outs in the top of the ninth inning of a one-run game, some moron comes barreling down the stairs and rudely pushes by the people in the third row so he could make his way to the walkway that the umpires come through after the game.
Why, you might ask.
Because this LOSER wanted Joe West’s AUTOGRAPH …
— Jeff Moss (@JeffMossDSR) September 10, 2016
At that point, Melrose spotted 97.1 nutjob Dan Leach on the field interviewing Cameron Maybin and we had to end the night with one last Periscope …..
— Jeff Moss (@JeffMossDSR) September 10, 2016
I wonder how many of those third graders asked their parents “What’s a hooker?” after the fireworks show ended.
What a great evening at the ballpark.
(You can follow the writer of this piece on Twitter @JeffMossDSR. Also, you can join in on the discussion of this article on Facebook by clicking here.)