By Jeff Moss
December 7, 2011
A couple of weeks ago Detroit News made the brilliant decision to buy some of their sports writers iPhones. Unfortunately, handing Lynn Henning and Chris McCosky “SMARTphones” is the technological equivalent of Prometheus giving man fire.
And while we aren’t sure if “Officer Barbrady” has figured out how to turn his device on yet, Henning has at least mastered the ability to send Tweets out from his new gadget.
And this is how Henning spent his Wednesday with his new toy:
1) He Tweeted that the Tigers would not get outbid in their pursuit of Cuban defector Yoenis Cespedes and that money wasn’t an issue. A minute later he posted a message stating that if it comes down to a bidding war with the Yankees, the Tigers would lose. Two minutes later he sent another Tweet out that the Marlins could also pay more for the outfielder’s services than the Tigers.
2) He Tweeted a link to his most recent News column regarding the Tigers offseason which stated that Andy Dirks might be the team’s fifth starter this season. Yes, that ANDY DIRKS.
3) He ridiculed anyone interested in obtaining Hanley Ramirez and compared his value to the stock of Oldsmobile. The moron forget that Oldsmobile was part of General Motors and didn’t have its own listing on any exchange. Also, that was the most current reference this jackass could think of!?? Finally, ummm, Hanley Ramirez wearing an Olde English D? Yes, please.
4) Spent hours mocking the Florida Marlins because, ya know, who wouldn’t want to be a fan of a team that has won two World Series in the last 14 years and who are spending money this winter like Jackie Gleason at the Desert Inn in Vegas. (Sorry, was just trying to find a reference more dated than Lynn’s Olds 88 reset and I am not sure what Charlie Chaplin’s vices were.)
5) Stated that there was chemistry between potential Tigers reliever Octavio Dotel and Jim Leyland because Dotel once purchased Cancer Stick a pair of shoes. Henning wasn’t making a joke.
6) But the most despicable behavior the Tigers writer demonstrated on the social media site occurred in response to a DSR fan’s (@Richie48152) question about a Q & A column “The Deacon” wrote in 2005.
Here was the Tweet directed to “Soak Your Head” Henning by the loyal follower of this site:
“@Lynn_Henning remember when ya said the Tigers wouldn’t be competitive for 5-10 years? When was that? 2005? #credible”
Henning responded with the following:
“Never said any such thing, Captain Courageous. Lay off the Captain Morgan’s …”
Okay, let’s forget Henning’s obsession with the word “Captain” for a moment and dissect the accuracy of that Tweet. According to Lynn, he never said such a thing. Nope. Never wrote that the Tigers were 5-to-10 years away from competing in the AL Central the OFFSEASON before they got to the World Series.
It would just be nice if we had that column Henning penned to get to the bottom of this “He-Said, She-Said.”
Oh, lookie here, how about a transcript of that column Lynn authored in 2005:
Q. What should have been done, what could have been done, to make the Tigers playoff-competitive in 2006?
A. Answer you don’t want to hear: Nothing.
Here’s the reality — and better take something for the oncoming tummy ache: This team isn’t going to be in position to win the Central Division for a bunch of years — five to 10 by this count.
And what will surprise you is that thinking in those terms isn’t all bad.
Look, I am not mad that Henning lied. Or that he wrote that ridiculous paragraph. But, hey, I took that column to heart and starting downing Tums and Rolaids like they were Skittles so who is going to give me back the lining of my stomach NOW?
Anyway, CAPTAIN Dumbfuck of the SS Douchestick did indeed write that the Tigers were 5-to-10 years away from COMPETING in the AL Central just 11 months before they PLAYED IN THE FUCKING WORLD SERIES!!!!!!
And not only did this idiot make that asinine prediction, he is now lying that the article ever appeared in print.
Let’s recap this for a second. Since Henning wrote that Detroit was a vehicular homicide sentence away from competing in the AL Comedy Central, the team has:
A) Reached the World Series.
B) Lost a play-in game to the Twins for the division crown.
C) Won the AL Central by 15 games.
Under Henning’s worst case scenario (not being able to compete for A DECADE), the Detroit baseball franchise would STILL be a good four years away from battling with the White Sox, Indians and Twins for divisional supremacy.
It might be the most retarded thing I have ever read (and that is saying something in this town) and the jackass either forgot he wrote it, went to a hypnotist to wash away the memory or is just a bald-faced liar who figured NOBODY saved that garbage for posterity.
Honestly, the first few days that Henning’s Twitter account was up, I couldn’t figure out if it was legitimate or not. The guy is such a buffoon that I actually believed that it was a goof and someone was pulling our chain.
Nope. This is the real deal and I can only imagine what the next Tweet from his account will state.
So let’s recap for a moment. Not only is this “journalist” a shill for Tigers management who can’t remember if Dirks is a pitcher or a position player, but now we have documented proof that he is a pathological liar as well.
If the sports editor of the News (Phil Laciura) had any dignity, that iPhone they handed to Henning would be a nice retirement gift.
Although my sources are telling me that Henning only has one year left at the paper anyway. He will be taking the job as public relations manager for the Commissioner of Baseball once Dave Dombrowski unanimously is voted into that gig.