By Jeff Moss
May 23, 2012
DetroitSportsRag@gmail.com
Last night as I watched Don “Quad-A” Kelly struggle through another four at-bats during the Tigers/Indians game, I sent the following message to my Twitter followers:
“Quinitin Berry. Has 19 STEALS in Toledo. Can play CF. Why the fuck is this guy not up here instead of DON FUCKING KELLY?!?!?!”
This wasn’t meant as some ringing endorsement of the career minor leaguer, but as a total indictment of the Detroit Tigers and their caveman thinking in continuing to write Kelly’s name on the lineup card during Austin Jackson’s extended absence.
Look, Don Kelly is an awful baseball player. His only value is his ability to play a bunch of defensive positions somewhat adequately. He has no speed at all (seven steals in five MLB seasons) and the lefty cannot hit. His career OPS of .630 is an abomination and the only reason that the man has a gig on this team is his senile manager cries at the mention of Kelly’s name.
Which is why I went to the Twat Box on Tuesday evening and asked the question of why Berry wasn’t on our major league roster.
Not because I think he is some sort of great hitter or an elixir to the Tigers offense, but because a guy who has NINETEEN STOLEN BASES before the end of June would be a valuable commodity coming off the Tigers bench.
Since, you know, other than Jackson the team runs the bases like they have cement in their cleats and a shit diaper in their pants.
I don’t know, call me bi-polar, but a guy who has been successful on 19 of 22 stolen base attempts in the International League probably would be of some value to the Tigers in the late innings as a PINCHRUNNER.
Like, the guy can do at least ONE THING extremely well as opposed to Kelly. A man who in 58 at-bats this season has YET TO GET AN EXTRA-BASE HIT. A jack-of-all-trades and master of none whose only value to the team is to make Ryan Raburn feel better about HIS OWN OPS.
And this little anecdote about the Tigers perfectly sums up my feeling about their dysfunctional management team led by Jim Leyland and Dave Dombrowski.
So, a couple hours after my Tweet the Tigers actually called up Berry and sent the human torch, Collin “My parents are fucking idiots and I should have two “L’s” in my last name and one in my first name, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND” Balester, to Toledo.
Which was obviously the right move since I am the one who suggested it. But, before I could celebrate this call-up, good ole’ Cancer Stick himself reminded me of why watching this team is absolutely torturous.
Leyland did the unthinkable today when assembling his batting order. He actually decided to bat Berry leadoff.
So, in ONE DAY, Berry went from not being good enough to get the call as the team’s 25th player when Raburn was placed on “Bereavement Leave” to the franchise’s BEST OPTION to set the table for Andy Dirks, Miguel Cabrera and Prince Fielder!!!!!!
Like, our decrepit manager who posseses a career record of 1,608-1,607 actually has this antiquated idea that if your centerfielder gets hurt and he is your leadoff hitter that WHOEVER HIS REPLACEMENT IS ALSO HAS TO BAT FIRST.
(In another infuriating matter on Wedneday, former Freep writer, Jon Paul Morosi, Tweeted out a note that Leyland’s job is secure because he is the active most winning manager in baseball. Conveniently forgot to mention that he ALSO has the MOST LOSSES as well.)
Yep, a middling prospect who wouldn’t even be on the team if it weren’t for Austin’s injury is the most capable person on a $140 million roster to leadoff. This would be maddening enough on its own if it didn’t coincide with Tampa manager, Joe Maddon, placing CARLOS PENA in the leadoff position Wednesday afternoon in a game against the Blue Jays.
Because, ya know, Maddon understands that the most IMPORTANT job description of a leadoff hitter isn’t speed or where the guy he is REPLACING normally bats, but the FUCKING ABILITY TO GET ON-BASE.
Which Pena did three out of five times against Toronto in a 5-4 victory!!!!!!
There are about 50 different scenarios Leyland could have come up with to fix the problem of Jackson’s absence.
He could move Andy Dirks up a slot (the Andy Dirks who has a .393 OPB this season) and maybe slide Delmon Young into the #2 slot. It isn’t an optimal situation because Young doesn’t get on-base that often, but that issue would be slightly mitigated by Young getting a steady diet of hittable fastballs to feast on batting in front of Cabrera.
He could temporarily move Boesch back up to the two-hole in the lineup until Jackson gets healthy or even put Jhonny Peralta and his .352 OBP in the that spot
Nope. Leyland thinks it is best to leave everyone where they are situated in the order and hand the important leadoff role to a kid who is making his MLB debut tonight. In a game against the first place Indians where a loss would place the Tigers five games out of the division lead.
It is almost like Leyland believes that he is COMPELLED to behave this way. Because last year when Cabrera was out, Kelly replaced the All-Star slugger in the CLEANUP spot in the order meaning Kelly is easily the worst player in the history of MLB to ever leadoff and bat fourth in a lineup.
Hey, ya emaciated fuckstick, this isn’t Broadway where you just slip in the understudy when the lead performer has a scratchy throat. It is MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL and you are making $4 million to make these decisions. And they aren’t even difficult.
But this is what we are stuck with for the near future as the other bomb
“The Pope” dropped on Twitter Wednesday was this:
Dave Dombrowski on Jim Leyland Tuesday: “We are hopeful he will be with us for many years to come.” #Tigers
I gotta die. I honestly can’t take this much longer. There is nothing enjoyable about this Tigers season at all.
From the constant defense in the media of Leyland’s tactics to the underachieving team on the field ….. Everything associated with this organization has been flat-out aggravating.
As if losing 19 of the last 30 games wasn’t bad enough, we now get Cancer Stick utilizing the Bette Midler/Rochelle Rochelle the Musical approach to the leadoff spot on the team.
And like Gennice tearfully begging the orchestra to start the performance over when she wasn’t ready to begin, diehard Tigers fans are crying that this nightmare of a season is never going to get on track.
The Tigers prognosis under this retarded field boss? Negative.