By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
September 9, 2014

Even in the midst of a modest two-game win streak that helped the Tigers move within one game of the AL Central lead, this organization still has an uncanny ability to aggravate the shit out of me.

And I am not referencing the Don Kelly Experience in centerfield (although we will in a moment) or the fact that the Tigers are even in the position of chasing a lesser team in their own division over whom they have a $75 million payroll advantage.

Nope. Today’s frustration stems from the fact that the Tigers swapped lefty starter Drew Smyly for David Price at the trade deadline and — in some Freaky Friday/Big/The Change-Up-esque identity switch — the Tigers received the short end of that stick.

Before the blockbuster deadline deal, Price was enjoying an incredible season. In Tampa, the former Cy Young winner had a 3.11 ERA, a WHIP of 1.049 and an ERA+ of 120. Since coming to Detroit his ERA has jumped a run. (I am pretty sure the Yankees are STILL bludgeoning him to death with hit after hit at Comerica Park.)

Meanwhile, Rays GM Andrew Friedman must have access to some sort of antique fortune-telling machine because — since leaving Detroit — Smyly has been Price-like, but at a much more reasonable salary.

With the Tigers as a fifth starter, Smyly posted a decent 3.93 ERA, a 1.348 WHIP and an ERA+ of 102. The southpaw dominated lefties while struggling mightily versus righties.

And since the deal??????

Until being shut-down to protect his arm for next season, Smyly had a minuscule ERA of 1.70, an unreal WHIP of .0755 and an ERA+ of 222!!!!! I know the sample size was small, but where the fuck did THAT come from if not Zoltar Speaks?!?!!?!?

Well, according to Ken Rosenthal’s baseball notes column for Fox Sports this morning, it might not be black magic after all. The change in fortunes for both men could be as simple as this …..

The Rays believe in math and analytics while the Tigers throw out a starting lineup during a PENNANT RACE that includes four out of nine players with a NEGATIVE WAR!

Here is the diminutive, bow-tied baseball expert’s take in its depressing entirety:

“Makes you wonder why the Tigers didn’t pick up on the same things.”

No, Ken, it really doesn’t. This is the same Dave Dombrowski-led organization  that BRAGGED during the 2012 World Series in a piece written by Danny Knobler that the team eschews sabermetrics.

This is the same franchise that employed Jim Leyland for approximately seven years before the relic decided to learn how to send a fucking EMAIL. Cancer Stick was an old-school math denier who felt the best way to judge a pitcher’s contributions was based on WINS AND LOSSES.

I mean, this is the same team that is starting Don Kelly in centerfield and batting him sixth with the season on the line. The same Don Kelly who has been  DFA’d twice in the last few years and remained with the organization when NO OTHER TEAM IN BASEBALL WANTED HIM.

And I am not sure what Don Kelly is less qualified to do, bat sixth (in 150 at-bats this year, he has five doubles and ZERO home runs) or play centerfield in the cavernous wasteland in front of the General Motors Fountain at Comerica Park.

Well, actually, that’s a lie. I do know what he is less qualified to do and I have video evidence to support my opinion. We will get to that momentarily.

You could make an argument that Don Kelly cost Justin Verlander three runs yesterday afternoon in the opening game of a crucial series for first place. Early in the game, Quad-A Kelly got a bad jump off a Nori Aoki blooper, then hesitated, then stutter-stepped, which left him with no chance of even diving for the ball. That misplay only cost the Tigers two runs.

Then came the following Benny Hill-inspired debacle in the seventh inning. Fortunately, this mishap only cost the Tigers a run and not Torii Hunter’s mental cognizance besides ….

I mean, where do I even BEGIN??? How about the miscommunication between Hunter and a utility infielder who has NO BUSINESS manning centerfield?

Or how about Kelly believing that the baseball was somehow stuck under Hunter’s hat, not unlike a Three-Card Monty game on the streets of New York???? Kelly looked like he was on an Easter Egg or (depending on your religious beliefs) afikomen hunt out in right-center field while Lorenzo Cain circled the bases for an inside-the-park home run. I’m pretty sure Cain could have stopped for Elephant Ears and a deep-fried sausage stick in the concourse and still rounded the bases while Abbott and Costello were attempting to locate the ball.

Seriously, it would be one thing if Kelly were Rickey Henderson at the plate and you had to endure his defensive liabilities in the outfield. But based on his .307 SLUGGING percentage it would appear he hits more like Ricky FUCKING Gervais.  So why is he playing over either Rajai Davis or Ezequiel Carrera? I am pretty sure neither would decapitate J.D. Martinez on the way to a routine fly ball.

According to that grotesque, Jared-from-Subway-looking loser Shawn Windsor of the Free Press, Boy Genius Brad Ausmus reacted with the following:

Kelly collided with Torii Hunter as each chased a ball deep in the right-center gap late in the game. But, as Ausmus said, collisions happen.

[This was in a column where Windsor fellated Kelly for his “value.” There were actually two glowing Don Kelly articles today, one in the Freep and one in that HORRID blog, Bless You Boys. Have I mentioned how bad this town fucking sucks lately?!?!?!?!?]

Collisions happen? Collisions happen?!?!!? Not to go all Carlotta in Phantom of the Opera on you, but, “Deez tings hoppen? Deez tings should not hoppen and unteel deez tings stop hoppening, deez ting does not hoppen.”

Collisions happen when you have the worst defensive right fielder in the game of baseball playing in a spacious outfield with a third baseman in center. It’s fucking insane and I am sure there is some advanced metric that would tell you that playing a dude who has ONLY started 54 games in his LIFE in centerfield at COMERICA PARK isn’t mathematically acceptable.

IS COMMON SENSE A SABR TOOL?!?!?!?!!

So, no, Ken Rosenthal, I am not shocked that the Rays figured out what was ailing Drew Smyly in a matter of days while the Tigers — after having months (or years) to discover what was wrong — came up with bubkus.

While the Tigers are forced to throw money at every problem they face because Dombrowski knows no other way, a team with a sliver of their payroll has to find other ways to stay competitive..

Give me Andrew Friedman or some other Jewish nerd who believes in science and a payroll of $140 million and I am guessing the Tigers will have better success than Dombrowski has had with his $170 million budget and the baseball equivalent of climate change denial.

Because all of the money in the world can’t make up for stupidity and ignorance (Donald Trump™).