By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
June 26, 2016

During this tumultuous offseason for the Detroit Lions, many longtime employees have lost their jobs because new General Manager Bob Quinn decided to go in a different direction.

From former CFO Allison Maki to a majority of the scouting department to almost the entire strength and conditioning staff, heads started rolling in mid-January and the decapitations have persisted throughout the spring.

Unfortunately for longtime observers of this franchise, one sycophantic pile of human waste survived the Rod Wood and Quinn purge and that person is Vice President of Communications and Misinformation Bill Keenist.

This human paraquat who has spent decades berating and badgering members of the media  — not to mention attempting to get them fired — while lying to the public about Lions-related stories outlasted many of his fellow employees not unlike a cockroach enduring a nuclear detonation.

In fact, it appears that Keenist received a new assignment this offseason …..

Yep, during the rookie symposium, the man who almost lost his house financing a Boise State-esque BLUE FIELD at his local high school gave a HISTORY lesson about the Detroit Lions.

And I can only imagine how that went down. I wonder if Taylor Decker asked Keenist why there was a large gap in the narrative between December 29, 1957 and May 10, 2016. There were probably more redactions in that narration than in Governor Rick Snyder’s Flint-related water emails.

Like, a history lesson for the Lions rookies? Are you kidding me? If you really wanted to depress them, why not a rent out a movie theater and show the boys “They Shoot Horses Don’t They?” or take a trip to the Holocaust Museum in Farmington Hills?

I gotta know if Keenist referenced the only NFL player to ever die on the field, or how another suffered paralysis, or how a promising linebacker almost became the second player in league history to die while playing, or how a head coach once asked “What does it take to get fired around here?”

Did the course touch on the first-round draft choice who killed three teenagers with his vehicle or how another first-round selection’s dad was murdered because his son was unlucky enough to be drafted by the Leos?

How much of this lecture focused on late owner William Clay Ford, Sr. employing his drinking buddy to run the franchise for three decades? Did Keenist reference the time the franchise drafted Terry Fair over Randy Moss only to take a wide receiver in the NEXT ROUND?!?!!

Germane Crowell just fell 12,570 yards short of Moss’ career receiving total.

Was there an entire session dedicated to the Matt Millen era that included barf bags? Were the players confused how it could possibly be that the organization hasn’t won a playoff game during THEIR LIFETIME?

Did the Lions bring in Sarah Palin to teach a course called “Quitting 201” where the new draftees learned how the two best players in franchise history retired from the league at the age of THIRTY with one playoff win between them?

Which finally brings us to this article. (If you haven’t slit your wrists yet.) You see, I think the good people of Motown need a history lesson from Professor Jiff Myst of the University of the DetroitSportsRag because as they say, “Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it.” And that Winston Churchill saying goes for both this franchise and their lapdog fanbase.

You might have heard the spin this week from Lions quarterback Matthew Stafford that opposing defenses are going to have it TOUGHER this season by matching up against the Lions WITHOUT Calvin Johnson on the field ….

Yep, that’s right. According to the QB of this woeful franchise, the Bears, Vikings, Packers, etc. are going to have a harder time against the Lions offense without one of the top five receivers in the history of the game lining up in Honolulu Blue and Silver.

I could ramble on and on as to why this is an absolutely preposterous notion but I will let Sean Wagner-McGough do the heavy lifting instead:

That’s right, folks. A guy named Mr. McGough could even figure out that Stafford’s theory was absolutely fucking ridiculous.

Hilariously, some Lions fans — the biggest marks on the planet this side of Pat Robertson viewers– were eating this up like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Several of the team’s Stockholm Syndrome sufferers took to Twitter and argued with the Lions beat writers that Stafford was on point.

And it wasn’t just the imbecilic fanboys who were entering the land of denial by buying into the thesis that the Lions will be tougher to defend without Megatron on the turf. Here is what dipshit 97.1 “The Ticket” webmaster Evan Jankens had to say about this issue in a blog post:

Hey asshat, stick to posting photos of Connor Cook’s sister scantily clad and leave the sports commentary to the primates who have evolved.

Now, this is the portion of my column where I am going to need you to pull out your notebooks and pencils because I am going to start dropping knowledge. Especially for the younger members of my audience.

This same sort of MORONIC tripe was spewed by this organization when the greatest running back in the history of the shield quit on the franchise because he was sick of the losing culture cultivated by the incompetent owner Fredo Ford, Sr.

Yep, when Barry Sanders faxed in the news of his retirement to the Wichita Eagle and jetted off for London while on the precipice of smashing the all-time rushing yardage record, the Detroit Lions attempted to sell their fans on this exact same notion.

Actually, I shouldn’t say the team attempted to pawn the same bill of goods. What was said about #20 was actually much, much, much more insulting. Because at least Stafford is only [idiotically] stating that opposing defenses won’t be able to focus in on Calvin this coming year and he isn’t actually denigrating Johnson’s performance.

The Lions and more specifically their fucktard drillmaster of a head coach, Bobby Ross, actually criticized the man who AVERAGED 100 yards rushing per game during his career!!!!!

I am guessing some of you refuse to even believe that, so I offer Exhibit 1-A:

“Running with a little higher level of consistency.”

“We’ll see more third-and-shorts.”

Yep, because who needed those pesky 82-yard touchdown runs anyway ….

Want further proof that this moribund organization tried to grift you with the same song and dance 17 years ago that they are using today?

Here is an excerpt of a Chicago Tribune article from September 10, 1999 — two days before the first post-Barry season was to commence — authored by Dan Pierson ….

More balanced.

Less predictable.

Does this ring a bell for any of you?!?!?!

I mean, do I have hit you over the head with a sledgehammer? Look, I lived through those offensive comments and I remember them vividly to this day. The disrespect for Barry Sanders’ legacy by some in the organization — including suing the man for a portion of his signing bonus — is the reason I have NEVER paid to go see a Lions game since Barry bowed out.

But when I started doing the research for this article I was dubious that I’d find that smoking gun commentary from Ross. When I did locate it after a few minutes of digging, I had the same sensation Julia Roberts experienced in “The Pelican Brief” when she opened that safe deposit box and found the evidence that Supreme Court Justices were indeed being assassinated under the direction of oil tycoon Victor Mattiece.

Look, maybe Stafford is right. Maybe the Lions offense will actually improve sans a first-ballot Hall of Fame receiver who caused matchup problems all over the field, and even when he was hobbled by injury, excelled as the greatest decoy the world’s known since the Trojan Horse.

Orrrrrrrrrrrr, the physical freak of nature’s departure will lead to a calamity just like Barry’s exit led to the Matt Millen Genocide.

Although how much worse can it get? In the ten years that Barry Sanders strapped it on for the Lions, the team made the postseason FIVE FREAKING TIMES.

In the seventeen years since his sudden retirement, the organization he left behind has qualified for the playoffs a whopping THREE times.

Yep, it’s a good thing Barry retired and took his dancing behind the line of scrimmage for three-yard losses with him.

Surelythe team will thrive without that nuisance habit of Stafford throwing a jump ball 50 yards in the air to Calvin Johnson while triple covered only for #81 to come down with it for a miraculous touchdown.

I am so glad we won’t be seeing that predictability any longer!!!!!

And now, before class is dismissed, I will leave you with one final quote from Churchill …

“The price of greatness is to be easily dismissed and lessened by ingrates the second you hang up the cleats.”

Well, I THINK that’s what the former Prime Minister said.

There will be a quiz on Wednesday.