By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
September 1, 2014
So earlier this afternoon I was minding my own business when I received a phone call from the DSR’s #2 in command Justin Spiro.
It appears that Spiro is spending the Labor Day weekend Up North with some friends. This group includes the best man at his wedding ….. Jack Johnson of the Columbus Blue Jackets.
I have been told the weather up there sucks and everyone knows when it is raining in Northern Michigan the only thing you can do is make a high stakes wager on a fictional hockey battle between two non-existent teams and then call up Joff Myst to decide who would win a seven-game series between these two farcical squads.
So here is what went down. The DSR’s Ayman Mohammed Rabie al-Zawahiri and the USA Olympic silver medalist at the 2010 games drafted two separate teams. The rules were that you had to draft by position and all players who were on NHL rosters from 1990 to 2014 were eligible.
And once a player was on one of the two teams you received that player in the PRIME of their career. So for example, one squad has Slava Fetisov on it. That team doesn’t get the older version of “Papa Bear” that played with Detroit. They get the early 80s version when Slava was playing for the CCCP and was considered a Top 5 defenseman in the game.
I was also told that this series — which was totally created in the minds of these two bored lunatics — was a do-or-die matchup and the losing team would be taken out back and each player would be systematically run over by the Zamboni.
Out of fairness, I was not told who drafted each team. One is “Team A” and the other is “Team B.” With all of that being said, here are the corresponding rosters:
TEAM A
Line 1:
LW: Luc Robitaille
C: Wayne Gretzky
RW: Jari Kurri
Line 2:
LW: Jarome Iginla
C: Sidney Crosby
RW: Jaromir Jagr
Line 3:
LW: John LeClair
C: Joe Sakic
RW: Brett Hull
Line 4:
LW: Keith Tkachuk
C: Pavel Datsyuk
RW: Patrick Kane
D Pairing 1: Scott Niedermayer/Chris Pronger
D Pairing 2: Rob Blake/ Slava Fetisov
D Pairing 3: Scott Stevens/Zdeno Chara
Goalie: Dominik Hasek
TEAM B
Line 1:
LW: Henrik Zetterberg
C: Mario Lemieux
RW: Pavel Bure
Line 2:
LW: Alexander Ovechkin
C: Sergei Fedorov
RW: Teemu Selanne
Line 3:
LW: Brendan Shanahan
C: Steve Yzerman
RW: Marian Hossa
Line 4:
LW: Dany Heatley
C: Mark Messier
RW: Dino Ciccarelli
D Pairing 1: Nicklas Lidstrom/ Raymond Bourque
D Pairing 2: Chris Chelios/Brian Leetch
D Pairing 3: Paul Coffey/ Vladimir Konstantinov
Goalie: Martin Brodeur
The first thing I should say is both teams should be disqualified because NOBODY took Peter Forsberg. First of all, Foppa was the better player than his own teammate Joe Sakic; not to mention the defensive presence of Forsberg on Team A’s third line would have been a good antidote to Team B’s first line center Mario Lemiuex.
I mean, who’d you rather have checking Super Mario? Sakic or Forsberg? Why the fuck did this pair have to get me so worked up on Labor Day? But I digress.
Anyway, before reviewing the rosters I was going to give extra credit to the team that didn’t select an All-Star unit and instead drafted a defensive third line but neither team really did that.
I am not saying I would have picked Kris Draper over any of the centers but if I wanted to win this series I probably wouldn’t have Dino Ciccarelli on it either™ (Scotty Bowman.)
So let’s break this down by offense, defense and goaltending.
In my opinion, Dom and Marty are a wash. No real decisive advantage there.
The forwards are all fantastic although I am shocked Heatley was selected. Maybe Spiro and Johnson got confused at some point and thought I would give bonus points for vehicular manslaughter.
Let’s be honest, both squads are loaded offensively and if you need any proof of that just look at some of the names on the fourth lines.
Where I made my decision was on the blueline where I think in a seven game “Death Match” series one team would have an appreciable advantage. Like, a THIRD defensive pairing of Chara and Stevens? Are you freaking kidding me with that? Poor Slava Kozlov just read this article and is now sweating profusely out of every pore.
And I can’t imagine any of Team B’s forwards would be thrilled coming down the middle of the ice with their head down considering the two best hip checkers ever (Fetisov and Blake) could murderdeathkill any one of them at a moment’s notice.
And that’s not taking anything away from Team B’s defensive unit but other than Chelios and Vlad, they really aren’t terrifying anyone. Their power play would be absolutely lethal with Lidstrom, Bourque and Coffey on it but I am thinking this hypothetical series that I have already given WAY too much thought about would be settled 5-on-5 anyway.
As much as it pains me to say this, I think Team A is better constructed and this is coming from someone who totally marks out for Fedorov (my favorite professional athlete EVER in ANY sport) and my favorite non-Wing skater of all-time in Bure.
Who would I be rooting for in the Spiro/Johnson fictional UP NORTH challenge? Well, I’d be screaming my lungs out for Team B.
Who do I think would win the contest and avoid Death by Al Sobotka?
Team A in six hard fought games.
And it wouldn’t be the first time the team I rooted for lost. It’s pretty much the story of my life.
Anyway, how do you think this matchup would go down? Vote below.