By Jeff Moss
June 5, 2011
DetroitSportsRag@gmail.com 

Since my latest triumphant return from being journalistically frozen in carbonite, I have devoted entire columns to the Wings, Tigers and Lions.

I have basically avoided the Pistons for two reasons.

First, I was waiting for the sale of the team to Tom Gores to be completed.

Second, their situation is just too goddamn depressing.

While the other Detroit professional teams all have their problems, there is at least cause for a certain degree of optimism.

The Red Wings are still one of the top franchises in the NHL and the team is about to embark on their most intriguing offseason in years.

The Tigers for all of their warts and mismanagement are extremely fortunate to play in an absolutely horrid division.

And even the Lions look like they are FINALLY on the right track. And that doesn’t mention that William Clay Ford, Sr. is almost at the end of his life’s journey.

But the Pistons? Oy vey iz mir, where do I begin?

First, we might as well start with the team’s new owner, Tom Gores. I am sorry, but this dude’s attitude leaves me cool, calm and collected.

Earlier this week I watched Gores’ opening statements about his purchase of the Pistons and the subsequent media “Coo and A” and I came out of it with a very queasy feeling.

Look, I am not going to lie to you, I am a pretty pessimistic and cynical guy at heart which probably comes as a complete shock to most of you.

So, when the reports started circulating that it looked like Gores was going to end up purchasing Detroit’s NBA franchise, I started reading up on this billionaire.

And let me tell you, there isn’t a lot of stuff on the Internet about the guy. For every 20 pictures of Gores posing in a seductive photograph looking like he is auditioning for Playgirl magazine, there is approximately one article about his business dealings.

But the consensus from what I researched is that Gores is in the business of buying struggling companies, making some positive management changes and then selling them off for a sizeable profit.

To quote Forbes.com, “Gores’ approach hasn’t changed much in 14 years; it’s as if he were always operating in a deep recession. Gores buys broken companies (like a team whose players organize boycotts of practices and can’t find an owner), reorganizes them (hello, Robert Wentworth and Phillip Norment) and, eventually SELLS THEM OFF.”

For the record, I placed the emphasis on those last three words, not Forbes. Let’s put it this way, if CNBC decided to do a business version of the reality show “Flip This House”, Gores, his blazer, unbuttoned dress shirts and designer jeans would become fixtures on the financial channel.

It has been my working theory from the first time I heard Tom Gores’ name that he was interested in buying the Pistons and Palace Entertainment solely for one reason.

The team was located in a recessed state with few potential suitors. He could get the whole package for a relative song, hope that the new CBA is much more favorable to the owners, sprinkle some Platinum Equity pixie dust in Auburn Hills, pray that the Detroit area economy improves and voila, Gores could make a sizeable profit on his investment when he sells the team in a couple of years.

But even though I had those doubts about Gores’ motives, I kept an open mind when watching his press conference.

Then the following three things occurred that pretty much validated my theory:

1) Gores couldn’t even pronounce the current head coach’s name correctly.

(Editor’s Note: When I started writing this article, John Kuester was still the team’s coach. It took so long to finish that he was fired in the meantime.)

You’d think a guy who just spent around $360 million on a team he had been negotiating to buy for SIX MONTHS would at least know how to annunciate his soon to be ex-head coach’s name.

(Fuck, if he had some doubts about it, he could have gone to Wikipedia and looked it up. It’s the FIRST thing mentioned about the guy. Although if Gores typed “Cooster” in his Google search, he might not have found the correct page.)

2) He couldn’t come up with Greg Monroe’s name when he mentioned that the team had a good first round pick last year. Not only did this press conference show that he knew nothing about the organization he was buying, it demonstrated he didn’t even care enough to spend ONE HOUR on the Internet researching so he could come across as somewhat literate about his NEW PURCHASE.

3) When asked by 97.1 “The Ticket” morning host Mike Stone if he cared more about winning a championship or making money, he gave some corporate mumbo jumbo answer that I still can’t decipher.

It was an incredibly easy question to sidestep. He could have said that winning a championship would lead to making money. Or he could have given some inkling that spending money on talent wouldn’t be an issue under his regime.

Instead he hemmed and hawed about getting value and making an impact and blah, blah, blah.

And for the record, I don’t give two shits where this guy lives. He can reside in Beverly Hills, Michigan or Beverly Hills, California or the fucking Gaza Strip for all I care, but it would be of some consolation if the owner of the Pistons actually knew SOMETHING about SPORTS!!! After that presser, I have serious doubts if he does.

Look, I can’t stand Dan Gilbert. I pretty much despise him for playing a part in this country’s financial meltdown; it sickens me that he wrote a check to that piece of shit Kwame Kilpatrick, I don’t like how he treats his employees at Quicken and his Comic Sans diatribe after LeBron left was classless and read like something I would write.

But you know what? Give me an owner like Dan Gilbert any day of the week. As fucking crazy as the guy is, I KNOW HE CARES. There can be no doubt that he is a diehard sports fan and is going through the same feelings that I am when our team loses in the Finals or his star player takes his talents to Joe’s Stone Crab.

I am guessing when Gilbert bought the Cavaliers, he could pronounce the head coach’s name and knew whom their last first round draft pick was.

Give me the psycho who gets into altercations at Bar Mitzvahs over a businessman who is going to run the Pistons like the San Diego Union-Tribune or some fledgling telecom company.

You think Tom Gores is going to do whatever it takes to win? Do you believe he would make a trade like the Cavs made this past February when Gilbert signed off on a deal to get the Clippers first round pick and it basically cost him TWENTY-EIGHT POINT FIVE million dollars?

28.5 million for like a 2.5 percent chance to get the first pick in the draft? Well, it paid off and Cleveland is about to add Kylie Irving to their franchise. He is also willing to spend another $15 million to team Irving up with Derrick Williams.

In other words, Gilbert put the Cavs in a better organizational position than the Pistons less than 12 months after the best player in the NBA walked out the door.

I hate Dan Gilbert, but I’d purchase a balloon loan from Rock Financial if we could get a guy like him to own all four Detroit professional sports teams.

Which leads me to the second reason the Pistons and their situation depresses me. In the current NBA there are only two ways that you can get good.

The first one is to have a team in New York or a warm weather city without a state sales tax. Ummmm, the Pistons definitely don’t qualify there.

The second is to be a small market team and COMPLETELY tank a season or two so you can get a couple of high draft choices. No free-agent worth a damn is coming to Detroit so you’d better get your top-end talent in the draft.

And unfortunately current General Manager (and problem #3) Joe Dumars adamantly refuses to accept that this is the only way for the Pistons to get back into contention in the year 2011.

Because Dumars still thinks he can pull off another trillion to one miracle like he did at the beginning of this century.

Joe D. actually believes that he will be able to sign another Chauncey Billups off the free-agent scrap heap and watch that player turn into a perennial All-Star.

Dumars is under the misguided opinion that he will be forced to make a desperation trade and land a defensive monster like Ben Wallace.

Or that he will find another string bean like Tayshaun Prince late in the first round.

Or that he will be able to add a Rasheed Wallace for some Guardian Glass and a Sanders Bumpy Cake.

The Pistons rise to prominence that culminated in the 2004 NBA Title is UNPRECEDENTED in recent league history and it isn’t about to be repeated.

What is more likely to occur in the future with Dumars in control is a repeat of the 2009 offseason when Joe D. went on a “Brewster’s Millions” spending spree and added Ben Gordon and Charlie Villanueva.

And now that the sale of the team is complete, Dumars’ friends in the media are spinning the narrative that Joe’s hands were tied since Bill Davidson tied.

Are we sure that is a bad thing? Maybe if Davidson would have croaked a little sooner, Dumars wouldn’t have been able to give Richard Hamilton an INSANE $34 million contract extension.

Maybe he wouldn’t have been allowed to deal Chauncey Billups for Allen Iverson.

If Davidson’s body had been laid out at Ira Kaufman’s sooner, maybe he never hires that abortion Michael Curry. I mean, Dumars actually thought it was a good idea to hire a head coach who spoke like a cross between Mumbles from Dick Tracy and one of Howard Stern’s wackpackers.

Look, I love Joe Dumars as much as the next guy. I loved the Skinny Joe who helped bring two O’Brien trophies to the Motor City as a player and I love Fat Joe who was the architect of the 2004 championship team.

(And if Dumars ever is honored with a U.S. postage stamp, I am voting for a picture of the thin one.)

But I am a realist. While I thank him for his contribution to the three titles, I believe it is a time for a change at the Palace.

I guess you could forgive him for all of the bad draft choices, the awful Rip contract, the terrible acquisition of Villanueva and the horrid coaching hires.

But where was his leadership last season when it was needed? The team was reenacting “The Lord of the Flies” on a daily basis with their subordination.

Refusing to enter games. Boycotting practices. Openly mocking their head coach on the bench during games. The only thing they didn’t do was break Piggy’s, errr, I mean Dumars’ prescription eyeglasses.

Where was Joe in all of this? I can understand where a young and inexperienced coach like “Cooster” couldn’t stop that runaway locomotive, but are you telling me that Dumars couldn’t have gotten these players to act like professionals for a couple of months?

The 2010-11 season was an absolute embarrassment and I don’t care if Joe D’s hands were tied or not. He could have done SOMETHING to get those jackals in order.

Here is the bottom line, the Pistons have two chances at competing for a title in the next decade or so.

The first is to totally tank the next couple of seasons. Trade away any player with some sort of value for future draft picks. Get rid of all the cancers on the team (including restricted free-agent Rodney Stuckey) and start from scratch.

If there is a 2011-2 season, the Pistons need to be as bad as possible. Even more awful than the last two seasons. The 2012 draft is going to be absolutely loaded with talent and the absolute worst thing this team can do is piecemeal their way to another 25 to 30 wins.

And while this would be the most prudent approach, I would be shocked if it is implemented.

I have been told by people who work for the Pistons that Joe D. abhors the thought of purposely submarining a season just for a higher draft selection.

And I am sure Mr. Impact doesn’t want horrid attendance figures in his first season as owner, which surely would happen if Operation Tank actually occurred.

You can’t make any money when your fanbase is sitting at home on their computer constantly reloading Chad Ford’s Draft Lottery Machine on ESPN.com.

So it would appear that the only one who can save the Pistons from themselves is the commissioner, David Stern.

As everyone is aware a July 1st lockout of the NBA players is looming. The way I see it, the longer the lockout the better.

Every Pistons fan should be rooting for Stern to totally annihilate the player’s association and Billy Hunter.

If the Pistons are ever going to be able to compete for a title again, we need a HARD salary cap. Fuck this luxury tax bullshit, the NBA should hire former employee Gary Bettman as a consultant and have him assist with some good old fashion, Wisconsin-style union crushing.

Hopefully Stern can retroactively break up the cabal in South Beach and avert the next one in NYC (with Chris Paul joining the Knicks.)

No Larry Bird Exemption. No Middle Level Exception. Just a Viagra Hard Salary Cap that cannot be circumvented.

Yes, Pistons fans, our best chance for future success is a backbreaking lockout that probably would mean the total wipeout of the 2011-12 season.

Welcome home, Tom!!!!