By Jeff Moss
January 17, 2012
DetroitSportsRag@gmail.com
What do the Ambassador Bridge, Ray Jay, Fred Norris, Chuck Yeager, Bibi Jones, Madball , Uzi, Velspar, Stupid Pet Tricks, Trying to Build a Prison!! and Temple Israel have in common?
They are all part of Narcissistic Mossisms™ .
Death Wish IV
About a week ago my sister advised me that if I didn’t stop ripping people on my website (which included the mocking of idiots who run in front of moving city buses) and participating in Twitter warfare with various members of the Detroit Media that I’d probably end up murdered.
About 48 hours later, the person I have been friends with longest in my life suggested that I wasn’t only going to get killed because of the DortSpirtRig, but that it was actually the end I DESIRED. (I have to admit that Death by DSR would be a hilarious way to go out.)
Unfortunately, these were not isolated comments as I also received a message from an acquaintance asking why it appears that I am attempting to burn every potential bridge in Detroit not owned by Matty Maroun and yet another who thought my ranting and vitriol would result in a casket at Dorfman’s Chapel.
And then there were the recent direct and indirect messages from my fans that actually reside inside the Detroit Sports Media world who are disappointed that I have totally ignored the late Tom Kowalski’s plea to clean up my act.
And yes, I know I promised to make the DSR a kindler and gentler place in the days following Killer’s death, and I am aware that pledge didn’t last as long as a Kardashian marriage, but it isn’t my fault the media in this town make it impossible for me to be civil.
The takes I have on Twitter or in this column aren’t contrived. When I go after someone for his or her ignorance or stupidity, it is real.
This crap genuinely makes me angry and it is the same garbage that compelled me to start the damn site nine years ago.
It is INCREDIBLY FRUSTRATING that we live in a major league sports town with minor league newspapers and radio stations and because of this, I tend to act like a raving lunatic.
I mean, do you know how much more enjoyable the sports experience in Detroit would be if we had a columnist in the Freep or News that you couldn’t WAIT to read after big games or major trades?
Or just ONE enjoyable and credible sports talk station instead of:
1) One that is about to be programmed by R.J. Watkins of “The New Dance Show.”
2) Another that proudly boasts that the mouth-breathing, low IQ caller who has nothing better to do than wait on hold so they can talk to Doug Karsch or Scott Anderson is “OUR MOST IMPORTANT GUEST”?!?!!?!?!?
Instead of quality journalism, we have to tolerate a total slapdick like Vincent “Tariq Aziz” Goodwill of the Detroit News who in between ankle massages of Austin Daye and continued defenses of Joe Dumars draft record, is supposedly a Pistons beat writer.
And if that bought-and-paid buffoon isn’t bad enough, you have a guy at the same paper (Lynn Henning) who just yesterday Tweeted the following:
“Biggest off-season mistake by Tigers: Not signing (Joel) Zumaya. Twins aren’t stupid. Did their homework. Made a potential steal. Smart investment.”
“Critics act as if Zumaya was slouching. He was HURT! But if docs say he should pitch again — and they have — he’s a dynamite reliever.”
Right, Lynn. The biggest mistake Dave Dombrowski has made this offseason isn’t plugging the gaping wide hole™ (Bibi Jones) at third or bringing in a leadoff hitter who can get on-base, it was the team’s decision to not bring back a guy who didn’t pitch in 2011 and who hasn’t been completely healthy since 2006!!!!!
And for the people who are worried that I am jeopardizing a future career in this business, DO YOU REALLY THINK I FUCKING CARE?
If I was desirous of a job at WDFN, do ya think I would insult Clear Channel’s Operations Manager in Detroit and his wife?
And I gotta be honest, I have never taken a Dale Carnegie course, but I am pretty sure ingratiating myself at 97.1 wouldn’t involve calling one of their hosts a “Walking, Talking Heart Attack.”
All I have ever wanted is for THIS website to gain popularity and readership. I would be miserable writing for a major daily while neutered with content restraints.
Unfortunately, I am pretty much the same 15-year old kid who got so mad about the Petr Klima trade that I phoned WJR’s “SportsWrap” and called Paul Chapman a communist for endorsing the deal.
Today, I am that same guy with a bad temper and a total lack of patience for morons. The only difference is that I am now 39 and married to a woman who is the work supervisor of Petr Klima’s wife.
So if you don’t like ad hominem attacks or me calling out jackass media members on the Twat Box for their idiocy then stay away. I won’t hold it against you, but stop telling me to be something I am not.
Look, my favorite part in Howard Stern’s theatrical biography wasn’t when the Kielbasa Queen shoved a long piece of meat down her throat or when Jenna Jameson told Stern about her first lesbian experience or even the scene where a young Howard threw a Frisbee that smacked a mentally challenged™ (Jeff Riger) patient in the face.
No, my preferred “Private Parts” moment occurred after Stern left Detroit because WWWW switched to a Country Music format and he stopped at a gas station while heading back to the East Coast with his first wife.
In that scene, Stern explained to Allison that he had to push the envelope. That he had to be brutally honest. That he had to be himself no matter the consequence.
For better and mainly for worse, that is the credo I have followed ever since I created this godforsaken place.
And if that results in a majority of Detroit sports fans and media members thinking I am the “Motherfucking Anti-Christ” ™ (Pig Vomit), so be it.
And mom, if someone does kill me over this crap, remember, Rabbi Loss better explain at my service that I went to Hebrew School against my will and that I thought religion was a load of horse shit.
Two Zumayas and a Truck
I alluded to Joel Zumaya’s departure from Detroit and his signing with the Twins earlier in this column, but before we close the book on Zoom-Zoom, I’d like to take a moment to say, “I told you so.”
You see, I don’t think the Detroit career of the flamethrower had to end in this disappointing manner, but it was almost predetermined by Tigers management years ago when they wrongfully converted him from a starting pitcher to a reliever.
It was always my opinion (which was well chronicled in both articles and forum posts) that for Zumaya’s own good, he should have been moved to the rotation starting in 2007.
After his dominant 2006 season in which his Sidd Finch-esque right arm helped the Tigers get to the World Series, Zumaya fell in love with three things:
1) Sizzling Butter Steaks at Ruth’s Chris
2) Fake Guitar Video Games
3) The JUGS Gun
You know, it probably isn’t a good sign when your young relief pitcher is more interested in checking out the speed of his fastball after every pitch than the catcher’s glove for the next sign.
The whole MPH drama became like a circus sideshow with Zumaya seemingly trying to break the sound barrier every time he got the “1” sign from Pudge Rodriguez.
And it’s not like Zumaya wasn’t groomed to be a starting pitcher before he got to Detroit. In the minors, Zumya made a grand total of 128 appearances. He was a starter in 127 of them!!!!
It NEVER made any sense that Joel was put in the bullpen in the first place. First of all, the worth of a top-flight member of the rotation is exponentially more valuable than a relief pitcher.
If you don’t believe me, just look at the 51.7 MILLION DOLLAR posting fee the Texas Rangers potentially forked over just for the right to TALK to Yu Darvish.
Secondly, it was totally evident that Zumaya had fallen in love with his right arm back in ’06. I haven’t seen a dude that infatuated with one of his own appendages since the heyday of Ray McKigney’s hand modeling career.
If the Tigers would have eased Zumaya into the 2007 rotation, he would have been compelled to dial down his fastball to a mere 97 to 98 mph which MIGHT have saved his arm from almost falling off at the Metrodome in 2010.
Now, I can’t guarantee that moving System of a Down’s Syndrome into the starting rotation would have altered the time continuum and #54 would never have had that motorcross, errr, I mean, box falling incident occur at his dad’s home, but you never know.
The bottom line is that it was asinine to keep Zumaya in the pen for a variety of reasons and the next time I suggest something to Dave Dombrowski, he ought to listen.
Suggestion to Dave Dombrowski
Trade Jacob Turner for Matt Garza or a third baseman with an OPS over .850 immediately.
Coming up at 10:02, I will tell you if Doug Karsch Still Has a Job
Last night, I broke the news on Twitter that Detroit News columnist Bob Wojnowski would soon be making his triumphant return to sport talk radio with a new gig at 97.1.
Wojo will be teaming up with his former WDFN co-worker, Jamie Samuelsen, weeknights on “The Ticket” in the 6 to 8 pm timeslot.
My sources are also telling me that this will bump Pat Caputo and Dennis Fifthian to the 8pm to whenever the last listener turns off the lights shift on nights when the Tigers, Red Wings or Pistons aren’t playing.
I am guessing this will lead to Jeff Riger exclusively doing mop-up work on the weekends and taking extra shifts at the West Bloomfield Parks and Recreation Dog Park cleaning up Beagle and Irish Setter excrement.
And while I have confirmed through multiple sources that JB and Wojo will be debuting at nights, I cannot believe it will last for long.
You don’t hire David Letterman to host the Late, Late, Late Show at 2am and you don’t bury a guy with the sustained rating success that Wojo has had in his career in the evenings on nights when the show isn’t preempted for a pregame show anyway.
I would have to believe that this is just the first domino to fall and eventually PD Jimmy Powers will pull the old switcheroo and move Karsch and Anderson to evenings and the former WDFN pair to mid-mornings.
And while I am glad that Wojo will be making a return to the airwaves, I just wish it wasn’t in a package deal with the human equivalent of watching paint dry.
So to sum up the last couple weeks in Detroit sports talk radio, WDFN hired a guy to host their afternoon drive show who admittedly is afraid to be on the air without his partner while 97.1 just added one of the most beloved sports hosts EVER to broadcast during a meaningless ratings period.
Putting Wojo on from 6 to 8 at night is like signing Prince Fielder to be your backup first baseman.
It doesn’t make sense and I am sure it won’t last for long.
The better question is why Clear Channel hasn’t humanely put WDFN to sleep. I mean, the current 97.1/1130 battle makes the Ray Mancini/Kim Duk-Koo fight look fair.