By Jeff Moss
June 21, 2011
DetroitSportsRag@gmail.com
I am going to preface this article with the following caveat:
I don’t know a damn thing about the upcoming NBA draft. I have no idea if Kyrie Irving is the next Derrick Rose or the next Jay Williams. (Shit, I actually thought Irving’s name was “Kylie” until three days ago. I had him confused with a dancer at the Penthouse.)
Look, I have no clue if Derrick Williams can play the three in the NBA.
And if you told me that Enes Kanter was actually a long-lost brother of the Kitschko’s, I’d probably believe you.
Even though I subscribe to Dish Network, DirectTV and Comcast, none of those providers air basketball games from the Congo. So I am not about to tell ya that I am a Bismack Biyombo expert. As a matter of fact if you told me two months ago that “Bismack Biyombo” was a rare strain of the swine flu found in Africa, that would have been as plausible as a 6-foot-9 power forward whom the Pistons might select tomorrow night. Furthermore, if you would have told me this past Sunday that I would have a definitive opinion of who the Pistons should take with the 8th pick in the first round, I would have told you that you were [Ryan O’Neal.]
But in the last 48 hours I have come to the conclusion that the Pistons must draft Lithuanian center, Jonas Valanciunas.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I have no idea if Valanciunas is going to be a good NBA player. I have no clue if he will be tough enough to play in the Association™ (Annoying Douche Bag NBA Elitists.)
Hell, I have never even seen this kid play. And while all of the so-called draft experts have labeled his a “Top 5” talent, these are the same people who told us that Darko Milicic was a “can’t miss” prospect.
If I ever trust anything that Chad Ford writes again, please let a member of the “Jackass” crew give me a ride home from a tavern in his Porsche.
Is there anything more humorous than a Pistons fan justifying their desire for the Pistons to take one play over another than quoting Ford? Are you fucking kidding me?
That would be like a broad going to her physician, being told that she has breast cancer, letting the doctor lop off her tits only to find out later that she was misdiagnosed … and THEN going to the same doctor for the boob job.
Well, maybe not the exact same thing, but you get the point.
I just wish I had a TV show so I could have Chad Ford on as a guest and then go all Oprah-on-James Frey on the supposed “Draft Expert.”
Anyway, my thought process on this is very simple. On Monday, it was announced that “He’s not my, he’s not your, he’s our” Valanciunas would not be eligible to play in the NBA this coming season because of the terms of his buyout deal with his Lithuanian team.
Because Valanciunas won’t be allowed to make his NBA debut until the 2012-3 season, some teams might be reluctant to select the 6-foot-11 center which means the Pistons could get some much-needed VALUE with their eight pick.
The only supposed negative in this scenario is the Pistons will have to play the 2011-2 season without their first round draft pick. Oh the humanity!!!!!
First of all, we don’t even know if there will be a 2011-2 season. The NBA is 10 days away from locking out their players and there is as much contention between the league and the union as there is among the hard line owners and the spendthrifts.
And who gives a flying fuck if Valanciunas plays in Russia next year or in Auburn Hills? Do you really think the Pistons are a championship contender IF David Stern and Billy Hunter can work out their myriad of issues?
Seriously, why in the world would you want the Pistons to play well next year anyway? The absolute WORST scenario is Dumars makes enough stopgap moves to get the Pistons into the playoffs as a #7 or #8 seed.
EVERYTHING Joe D. should be doing (other than going on the Atkins Diet) revolves around dismantling this pancreatic cancer of an organization with an eye towards a juicy lottery pick in the 2012 NBA Draft.
Because unlike this garbage class, next year’s draft will be LOADED with top flight talent.
Harrison Barnes, Perry Jones, Terrence Jones, Jared Sullinger, John Henson, Jeremy Lamb, Tyler Zeller, Anthony Davis, James McAdoo, Quincy Miller and Austin Rivers are all potential lottery selections next year and that doesn’t even mention the Euros who will probably come out of the woodwork.
That is why Valanciunas is the PERFECT PICK. He won’t help the Pistons at all this season (if it is played), he will get another year to develop in Lithuania and the Pistons will get decent value with the eighth pick in this draft.
The only stumbling block with this perfect plan is the new owner might not be big into delayed gratification. (I mean, any guy who MUST have his BROTHER’s wife when there are 3.7 billion vaginas on Earth… umm, nevermind.)
But if Tom Gores has a problem with this selection, Joe D. should just sell him on the potential of a “Jonas Brothers” marketing plan once Valanciunas eventaully teams up with teen heartthrob, Jonas Jerebko.
And by looking at Gores’ style, you cannot tell me that dude isn’t a HUGE fan of Joe, Kevin and Nick.