By Jeff Moss
July 18, 2011
DetroitSportsRag@gmail.com
Due to pending temporary restraining orders against me that have been filed by Drew Sharp, Gene Myers, Brandon Inge, Ryan Raburn and Jim Leyland, the pickings are a little slim for Monday Morning Mossisms™.
I considered writing a column about FoxSports.com writer Pope Jon Paul Morosi the Third’s Tweet (http://tinyurl.com/4xrujxp) that the Tigers are interested in acquiring Atlanta Braves pitcher Derek Lowe prior to the July 31st trade deadline.
But if I dedicated 1,500 words to every single potential Tigers trade between now and the end of the month, I think my fingers would go numb.
Not to mention the fact that the thought of adding the Dearborn native is absolutely depressing. The THIRTY-EIGHT YEAR OLD currently has a record of 5-7 with an ERA of 4.30 and a WHIP of 1.38 in the National League.
I entered those numbers in the Drew Sharp NL-to-AL computer decoder and discovered that a trade to Detroit would result in Lowe never winning a game, never getting an out and the potential would be high for the righty to abduct Victor Martinez’s cute little son, Victor Jose.
(Don’t worry. I consulted my legal counsel and he advised me that I could make fun of Sharp’s column on Jair Jurrjens, but I just couldn’t mention the fact that he wrote two columns about the Tom Gores’ Pistons press conference without bothering to attend said presser.)
So I decided to address another question that I have received through social media circles since my last article: Why if I despise the atrocious print media in this town did I not pursue a career in sports journalism?
Ironically this isn’t the first time this month I have been asked that question. In a deposition I had to give involving a case where I am an expert witness in an insurance matter, the attorney for the carrier asked me why I went to college and majored in journalism, but didn’t pursue it when I entered the workforce.
Well, there are two very good answers why I didn’t pursue a career in the Fifth Estate.
The first literally occurred in my first ever journalism class when the professor advised the class that if we chose journalism as a career that we could expect to land our first job writing obituaries for the Escanaba Daily Press or the Alpena News making under $20,000 a year.
Well, this posed a major problem for me since at that time I was already annually wagering more than that post-IRS salary at Ladbroke DRC and I am pretty sure there wasn’t a Lelli’s in Escanaba or Alpena.
But the biggest impediment to me becoming a sports writer was my irrational fear of flying. I mean, I’d rather sit through a screening of the Sarah Palin documentary “Undefeated” in between Pat Robertson and James Dobson than get on an airplane.
Look, in my opinion there are five types of potential air travelers in this world and they fall under these categories:
Level One: “John Madden/B.A Baracus”– People who will not fly under ANY circumstance unless they are unwittingly drugged by an Army colonel who also like to play monsters in low budget films in their spare time.
Level Two: “Tony Kornheiser”– This category is dedicated to people who absolutely abhor the thought of getting on a plane, but will do so in EXTREME cases when there is absolutely no other alternative. A trait of this group is they believe there is a 90 percent chance that their plane will crash into a mountain when the likelihood is more like .000000000000000000001%.
Level Three: “John McClane” – This grouping includes anyone who will fly on a regular basis, but must clutch either their seat or armrests during take-off, landing or whenever there is any turbulence. These people also most likely are self-medicating themselves with Ambien or Valium.
Level Four”: “Ryan Bingham” – Named after George Clooney’s character in the movie “Up in the Air”, this collection of travelers ACTUALLY enjoy flying and think it is fun. Some of these wackos would rather be 30,000 feet above the earth than anywhere else.
Level Five: “Stephen Hatch” – This category is named posthumously for the people who enjoy airplanes so much that they refuse to give up on the idea of flight until they have killed EVERY SINGLE MEMBER OF THEIR FAMILY in a fiery disaster due to pilot error.
Anyway, based on the above groupings, I would rate myself as a Level 2.25 Flyer. Somewhere between 2 and 3, but much closer to “The Tony Kornheisers.”
So between the disgustingly low entry-level pay, the prospect of living in B.F.E. and the thought of flying on a weekly basis if I ever got a gig as a sports writer, I decided to go into the family business.
And that is the story of why I am just a “blogger.”
Baby Gorilla Joining Fox Sports Radio?
It appears that former Howard Stern sidekick Artie Lange is close to signing a deal with the people behind “The Dan Patrick Show” which will pair the rotund entertainer with his comedian pal, Nick DiPaolo, for a sports program on Fox Sports Radio.
The rumor is the show will also be simulcast on Direct TV just like Patrick’s program. (http://tinyurl.com/6fgwf6f.)
Now, let me preface my opinion on this matter by saying there isn’t a bigger Artie Lange fan in the world than me.
I only have one book on display in my home office and it is Lange’s auto-biography, “Too Fat to Fish.”
I was thoroughly depressed the day I read on TMZ that Lange attempted to take his own life by stabbing himself NINE times with a 13” Wolfgang Puck kitchen knife and have greatly missed his contributions to the Stern show since his last appearance in December of 2009.
As someone who has been a Stern disciple for three decades, I can say with no equivocation that the Artie Lange years were easily the best period of the show’s history.
The program just hasn’t been as good since Lange’s heroin addiction led to his departure which was closely followed by his failed suicide attempt.
And it was awesome to hear Artie’s voice again a couple of weeks when he and DiPaolo filled in for Tony Bruno on Fox and this past Friday when he appeared on Patrick’s program as a guest.
But the idea of a SPORTS show hosted by DiPaolo and Lange has unmitigated disaster written all over it.
First of all, DiPaolo is a horrific host. I have heard him fill in for Patrick on occasion and he also had his own show on Stern’s Sirius/XM channel and the guy is a fucking train wreck.
Lange’s background is in television, movies and stand-up and really isn’t a typical radio guy.
For any show with him to work he would need a top-rate set-up man and DiPaolo is ANYTHING but that.
And while Lange looked like he had the sports knowledge of that slob from “Stump The Schwab” in comparison to Stern (whose idea of a sporting event is the group date on the “Bachelorette” or watching Hines Ward on “Dancing with the Stars”) , Artie really doesn’t keep up with sports like he did in the past.
To put it more succinctly, Lange stopped obsessing about athletics right around the time Thurman Munson’s plane crashed. And that occurred in 1979.
I am still holding out hope that Howard will allow Lange to return to his show even though the King of All Media pretty much ruled out that inevitably earlier this year.
When asked by Patrick on Friday if Artie desired a return to the Stern show he said, “I would vacuum the studio. I would do anything they wanted … I would do it in a heartbeat.”
Come on Howard, let the Baby Gorilla back. Impose a no-tolerance policy and a bi-weekly piss test to make sure that Lange doesn’t relapse.
If not, as a loyal fan I will be forced to listen to DiPaolo and Lange’s “sports” program and there is only so much 1986 NY Giants discussion I can tolerate.
No Cure for Stupidity
So unless you were living under a rock this weekend, you probably heard that golfer Darren Clarke earned his first major championship by winning the British Open at the age of 42.
Not being much of a golf fan (especially when Tiger Woods isn’t playing), I didn’t know the backstory of Clarke’s past personal trauma that the announcers kept alluding to so I went to Wikipedia and did some research.
It turns out that his wife died in 2006 from breast cancer leaving Clarke a widow with two young children.
But his Wikipedia entry didn’t end there and here is an angle you probably won’t hear from anyone else in the sports media world.
Clarke is a huge cigar aficionado and reportedly spends around 25,000 Euros a year on the habit.
Not only that, but according to published reports he was smoking a cigarette during much of his round on Sunday. Here is a picture of the guy smoking on the third hole:
http://billionaires.forbes.com/photo/09ebbSs01I0uP
Are you fucking kidding me? Your kids lost their mother to CANCER and you are stupid enough to not only blow an entry-level journalists pay on cigars, but you are so addicted to nicotine that you can’t refrain from smoking while playing the final round of the BRITISH FUCKING OPEN?!?!?!
When this moron gets lung cancer and his kids are parentless will the golf commentators still be spinning this fairy tale?
It is 2011 and people still smoke. You gotta believe me on this.
Today’s Blatant Rip-Off of Grantland.com
One of the features of Bill Simmons’ new website Grantland.com that I enjoy is every week each contributor selects a favorite old YouTube clip and they are all compiled in one entry.
So being someone who has no problem jacking for beats™ (Ice Cube), I figured I would occasionally post a Detroit related YouTube clip at the end of my Mossisms™ for your viewing enjoyment.
The first installment is a classic clip from three years ago on New York’s all-sports radio station, WFAN.
Back before Chris Russo left the original all-sports station for Sirius/XM he co-hosted a program with loudmouth New Yorker Mike Francesa. The “Mike and the Mad Dog” program was one of the most popular in the history of sports talk radio.
Anyway, this clip features a caller asking the pair if the Mets should inquire about the availability of Brandon Inge.
Francesa’s response is repetitively hilarious and begs the following question:
Does Mike still happen to like Inge a lot? Maybe he can take the .180 hitter with a .492 OPS off our hands. If he happens to like him a lot. Still.