By Jeff Moss
August 22, 2011
DetroitSportsRag@gmail.com
What do Scott Hall, Kevin Nash, Jimmy James, the Spanish Prisoner, Aristotle, Tony the Tiger, Head and Shoulders and Astrology have in common? They are all included in Monday Morning Mossisms™.
The Following 750 Words Makes Me Want to Puke
The following thoughts might surprise some of the longtime readers of my work, but please stick with me here.
It might not be as shocking as Hulk Hogan turning heel and joining the NWO or David Mamet transforming into a Sarah Palin apologizing, conservative Republican or even Mike Valenti and me becoming friendly, but it is pretty stunning nonetheless.
As much as it pains me to write this next sentence, the Tigers were correct in recalling Brandon Inge from Toledo. Goddamn, I want to stick my digits in a garbage disposer for just typing that.
Now, please don’t view this as some sort of death bed conversion or some shit because of [Shani’s Husband]’s home run and ground rule double on Saturday night.
If you follow the DSR you might have noticed that I’ve been fairly quiet regarding this subject on the social media platforms since Inge’s call-up because I just can’t get worked up about it.
Look, my feelings about this crybaby, douche bag will never change. He has been a lousy offensive player in his decade as a Detroit Tiger and the myth that he is a team player disgusts me.
If I had a Mount Rushmore™ (Dumb Radio Bit) of my My Most Hated Tigers, Inge would be right up there with Bobby Higginson, Shane Halter and Neifi Perez.
And if Inge had ANY self-respect when the Tigers designated him for assignment when they traded for Wilson Betemit last month he would have refused to go to Toledo and taken his chances with another organization.
Seriously, the Tigers have treated the dude like a cum rag over the last few years. They signed Pudge Rodriguez and replaced Inge behind the plate. Then once he got comfortable at third base they traded for Miguel Cabrera and moved him back to catcher.
And finally in July the team had enough of his sub-Mendoza line hitting this year and designated him for assignment. The only thing Dave Dombrowski hasn’t done to Inge is take away his stapler and order payroll to stop issuing his paycheck™ (Milton Waddams.)
(Honestly, the Tigers have treated Inge like the chick you call when you break up with your girlfriend and you just want to get laid with minimal effort. You know, the one you won’t take to dinner or a movie, but will bang when the need arises until you meet another broad and then you start ignoring her calls again.)
But instead of having some testicles and deciding to take his wrist-flicking home run power to a National League team willing to tolerate his atrocious batting average, Inge decided to stay in the Tigers organization in exchange for a guarantee that he would be called up on or before September 1st.
But here is the thing. As big a proponent as I am of Betemit getting a majority of the playing time, it is IMPOSSIBLE to overlook how much better the switch-hitter is from the left side of the plate as opposed to the right.
Here are Betemit’s splits as a lefty and as a righty for the 2011 season:
Lefty: .309/.368/.478/.846
Righty: .235/.275/.294/.569
As you can see, from the right side of the plate Betemit is doing his best Rich Little-esque impersonation of Magglio Ordonez. But, as a lefty the third baseman is hitting the crap out of the ball.
How bad is Betemit against left-handed pitching? Well, here are Inge’s splits against lefties THIS season: .191/.295/.265/.560
Yep, the two players have about the same horrid OPS against left-handed pitching in 2011.
Now, If Inge and Betemit were equals on defense you could make the case that Betemit should play every day regardless of what appendage the opposing pitcher throws the ball with.
Except they aren’t equal in the field. It isn’t even close. Betemit kind of reminds me of Graig Nettles.
If Graig Nettles had Muscular Dystrophy.
And while Inge’s defensive prowess has been wildly overrated by his Public Relations team (Lynn Henning, Rod Allen, etc.), there is ZERO QUESTION that Inge is far superior with the glove in comparison to the former KC Royal.
If you are going to live by the numbers when it comes to baseball like I do then ya gotta die by them also which is why I really can’t bitch about Inge starting against lefty pitching and entering games late as a defensive replacement.
As much as I despise the guy and the asinine statements he has made over the years, from a BASEBALL perspective the jerkoff can be of SOME use down the stretch.
Of course, all bets are off if Jim Leyland gets all nostalgic and starts using “They’re Pitching Me Like Ted Williams” against right-handed pitching as well.
Which leads us to:
Math is Dangerous in the Wrong Hands
First, I defended Brandon Inge and now I am about to write something positive about Cancer Stick. Bear with me for a second though because the niceties are about to end in dramatic fashion.
I really didn’t have much issue with Leyland’s lineups this weekend against the Indians except for his asinine decision to play Ordonez on Saturday night and bat him SECOND in the batting order.
(Although I am not sure that Leyland WANTS to play Ordonez or he is just fearful of Maggs’ fellow Venezuelans starting a Sandinista army and toppling El Cáncer Polo’s regime. Unless you can come up with a better reason a guy with a .283 OBP and NO SPEED is batting second in a first place team’s batting order.)
What I did take issue with was an article in Saturday’s Free Press in regards to Leyland’s lineup “philosophy.” (And yes, that thud you just heard was Plato and Aristotle rolling over in their graves. Leyland and the word philosophy in the SAME SENTENCE?!? Are you fucking kidding me?)
Anyway, here is the exact quote from Emaciated Adolf regarding his lineup decisions:
“A couple of days ago, it was the night (Justin) Verlander pitched, Wilson was 0-for-7 against a guy and (Don) Kelly was 0-for-4. To me in a situation like that you play your better defender.”
I am absolutely FLABBERGASTED that a grown adult whose charge is managing a team with a payroll in excess of $100 million would ADMIT to reporters that he makes decisions based on sample sizes of seven and four at-bats!!!!!!!!
Do you know how ludicrous it is to attempt to predict future performance based on such limited past performance?
I mean, we’ve all known for years that this dumbshit makes asinine lineup decisions based on SEVEN FUCKING AT-BATS, but I am pretty sure this is the first time the moron has actually come out and said it.
This is exactly why MOST, ERR, ALL Fortune 500 companies don’t hire Chief Executive Officers who never spent a day in a collegiate classroom.
Can you imagine if Kellog’s hired a CEO with Leyland’s limited education and acumen to run the cereal conglomerate?
“Yeah, I think we should stop producing Frosted Flakes because the Publix in Miramar, Florida didn’t sell a box between 10am and noon today.”
Sound ludicrous? Explain how THAT is any different than what Leyland is pulling with the Tigers?
The guy is so effing dumb that not only does he not realize how idiotic it is to base important lineup decisions on such miniscule sample sizes, he is actually PROUD of it.
In reality, Leyland would have a better chance of predicting future success of his players based on their shampoo and conditioner preference as opposed to sample sizes of fewer than 20 at-bats.
But does anyone in the Detroit media call this ignoramus out on his wacky math decisions? Of course not.
Though to be fair, the crew of neutered puppies who cover the Tigers are so afraid of the 140-pound bully that if he started making lineup decisions based on horoscopes they probably wouldn’t say a word either.
And playing Kelly because he is an Aquarius over Betemit’s astrological sign (Scorpio) would be just as predictive as what Leyland is admittedly doing with these ridiculously limited sample sizes.
Just a dumb fucking guy.
If this crazy old fuck sticks around a couple more years, I wouldn’t be surprised if he is making personnel decisions using a dart board.
He can borrow the one in my home office with his ugly, nicotine stained grill plasterd on it if he’d like.