Michael Rosenberg 2 — Horrible Columnist Boogaloo

By Jeff Moss
June 30, 2012
DetroitSportsRag@gmail.com

In case you haven’t heard yet, the Detroit Free Press recently announced the name of the journalist who will be replacing departed sports columnist, Michael Rosenberg, at the paper.

On Sunday, Jeff Seidel will make his debut as a sports columnist for the Freep succeeding the nebbish scribe who left the major daily for Sports Illustrated.

Buried deep in the paper’s employment handbook, I have learned that the sports section must always retain an African-American, a member of the Jewish tribe and a Keebler Elf as sports columnists thus the hiring of Seidel.

I really don’t know much about Jeff Seidel, but he can’t possibly be worse than the reigning “DSR Tournament of 64 Worst Detroit Sports Media Personalities” champion that he is replacing.

Well, can he?

I have actually researched a few of Seidel’s non-sports columns in the Freep and unfortunately it seems he has the same awful sense of humor as RosenDweeb which means at least Bob Seger won’t be canceling his subscription. (They still have a print version, right?)

This guy has unmitigated disaster written all over him. He penned one column about his daughter cleaning her underwear in the kitchen sink. It turned out she was only dyeing them, but, oh, who fucking cares?

Then there was the brilliant piece about his fat ass getting sore on a gymnasium bleacher. How do I know that he has a fat ass? Because I found another column regarding his need to lose weight.

Then there was the column about the purchase of fireworks. Read the opening two paragraphs of that abomination and tell me that Jeff Seidel isn’t a protégé of Rosenberg:

Let’s say, hypothetically speaking, that I know somebody who used to drive to Ohio to buy fireworks that may have been, technically, super-duper illegal in Michigan.

Quick note: I don’t know the statute of limitations on such a horrible crime, so stick with me.

I mean, this is the guy they replaced Rosenberg with? It is the journalistic equivalent of swapping Gallagher for Gallagher Too.

Seriously, when Rosenberg left the Free Press for greener national pastures, at the very least I figured we’d get a new columnist who didn’t have the comic sensibilities of Shecky Green. But after perusing this guy’s work, we didn’t even get THAT LUCKY.

Don’t believe me? Try another Seidel opening on for size:

After 15 days on the official Seidel Diet Plan (trademark pending), I’ve lost 5 pounds. Even my wife has noticed.

“You look handsome,” she said a few days ago, although I should add, her tone had an element of complete shock.

“Ah, thanks,” I said. “But you don’t have to be so surprised.”

“You are losing it here,” she said, patting my belly. “It’s like you were pregnant but now you have given birth.”

Hmm. Well, at least she didn’t say I was preggo with twins.

Are you effing kidding me? If this “comedian” has a blood vendetta against Rich Rodriguez I am going to call for a damn DNA test.

But I am going to give this dude a chance. As a matter of fact, I am going to give him ten suggestions on how to please DSR readers while he makes the transition from being a homeless man’s version of Dave Barry to a sports writer.

So, with all due respect to the Stangel Brothers, here are my Top 10 suggestions to Seidel on how to avoid my crosshairs as he commences his new endeavor:

10) Do not start your columns with the lazy journalistic trick of asking yourself a question that you proceed to not really answer in the following paragraphs.

9) If you happen to be related to an executive of one of the Detroit professional sports teams, make sure you disclose that when you write about that team.

8) If you ever get a negative review of a column do not cry on the shoulder of a former member of the Wolverines, Steelers and Lions.

7) If sports editor, Gene Myers, asks you to write a column about a historic event when you didn’t watch the first two-thirds of that game, tell him no. If he insists, make sure you explain to your audience that you only watched a small portion of that contest.

6) In your duties as a COLUMNIST, don’t decide one day to go all “Woodward and Bernstein” on a subject that you clearly despise based on both your own words behind closed doors and in the print of the Freep.

5) Don’t be a disingenuous contrarian just so you can stir the pot and anger your readers in a transparent attempt to stay somewhat relevant.

4) Avoid writing unreadable novellas obsessed with faith and death, penning “Kafkaesque” columns about the good old days that weren’t so good or lecturing us on the trials and tribulations of the Haitian people.

3) Do not ruin sports journalism as we know it.

2) Lose your horrid sense of humor immediately. In fact, I would advise that you never make a joke in any of your pieces. Like, ever. You aren’t fun or funny. Seriously, not only does Rosenberg have better comedic timing than you (something I didn’t believe possible until Google’ing your work), but so does LUNG CANCER.

1) NEVER …… EVER …. write a column about a game that is going to take place in the FUTURE. Even if you happen to consult a psychic or you are in possession of “Grays Sports Almanac – 2000 to 2050,” don’t do it.

If Jeff Seidel were to pay attention to the above suggestions, I might be able to stomach his work.

Awww, who am I kidding? We are royally screwed.