By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
August 1, 2013
260,640 minutes. 260,640 minutes. How do you measure a half-year of shilling? In “I see ya’s? In country strongs?” How about …… LOVE?
On January 31, 2013, the Miami New-Times broke the Biogenesis story implicating Jhonny Peralta as a client of disgraced “chemist” Tony Bosch.
And it only took 181 days for the Tigers TV broadcast team of “Stupor” Mario Impemba and “Bojangles” Rod Allen to mention the POSSIBILITY that the Tigers All-Star shortstop MIGHT face a suspension from MLB. And the pair went down kicking and screaming.
On Wednesday afternoon during the Tigers/Nationals game, Impemba FINALLY addressed the humungous elephant in the room. (And no, Scott Anderson wasn’t in the Comerica Park press box.)
During the late innings of the Tigers 11-1 bombing of the Nats, the Tigers play-by-play announcer for Fox Sports Detroit FINALLY raised the possibility of a Peralta suspension. And you could tell that his broadcast “pahtna” wasn’t thrilled with the comment.
Allen went into some Mark Geragos-esque spin that any talk of a Jhonny ban was just pure speculation. I think he said the word speculate or speculation about ten times in 15 seconds which is pretty shocking because I didn’t think Rod Allen knew what the word “speculate” meant. Figured he thought it was something you purchased at a Richard Golden owned store.
“Hey, Mario, I got myself some Sexy Speculates at D.O.C. last night. Uhhhhhhhh, huhhhhh, that’s RITE.”
So why did it seem like Allen was upset at Impemba for discussing the potential suspension? AFTER the Tigers made a trade for Jose Iglesias which was OBVIOUSLY a preemptive strike for the inevitable? And only AFTER Dave Dombrowski openly admitted that it is the reason he traded Avisail Garcia for this poor man’s Ozzie Smith?
Because earlier in the game Allen continued to play dumb (something that comes EXTREMELY natural to this dolt) about the potential of a Peralta banishment.
Allen actually informed viewers of Fox Sports Detroit that the reason the Tigers acquired Iglesias is the team didn’t know about the health of MIGUEL CABRERA.
“[Iglesias] brings good infield depth, since we don’t really know if Miguel is gonna be out for a while.”
Miguel Cabrera is DAY-TO-DAY with a pesky injury. Does this disingenuous fuck think we are imbeciles and would believe this absolute lie? Does Bojangles think that the only source of Tigers information is disseminated from his FSD broadcast?!!?!!?!?
So, when Impemba actually pontificated on the suspension, not only was Mario “speculating” on the unknown, he was calling bullshit on the comment that Allen had made a few innings earlier.
Which brings me to the point of this short story. Mario Impemba and Rod Allen can’t stand each other. They barely talk to each other when they are not on the air. Like, legitimate hatred.
A couple of years ago someone in the Detroit Sports Media advised me that these two had a worse relationship than Simon and Garfunkel and that I should needle them on Twitter about it.
(I am not one to name names, but the person’s name who suggested I tweak the duo rhymes with Latt Dreary. You’ll never guess it so stop trying.)
A follower of mine asked me just the other day why Mario Impemba of all people blocked me on Twitter. Well, the answer is that I kept messaging him about his chilly relationship with this moronic member of the 1984 Tigers who had a whopping 27 at-bats that season.
How bad did this relationship get at one point? It became so ugly that Fox Sports Detroit executives had to call the pair into a meeting together and explain to them that they were on the verge of fucking up a really good thing. Like, Tigers broadcasts on FSD are the highest rated program in Detroit on a nightly basis and these two were about to blow that up over a personality conflict.
How far did the executives go in trying to persuade Allen and Impemba into coexisting for the sake of their own careers? They brought in PICTURES of famous duos who hated each others guts LIKE Dean Martin & Jerry Lewis and Mick Jagger & Keith Richards.
I mean, can you believe this shit?
And I have learned from management that a lot of the dislike comes from Impemba’s disdain for the unprofessional behavior of Allen. Rumor has it™ (Adele) from FSD higher-ups that Impemba is a pro’s pro who is very well respected at the station while Allen, well …. isn’t.
So, on Friday night when you are listening to Impemba and Allen act jovially towards each other during the Tigers/White Sox broadcast just be aware that it is all a facade.
Impemba probably wishes that Allen was still working as a minor league coach in the Marlins organization and Allen most likely would be chasing Impemba around Comerica Park like a Japanese pitcher if the illiterate color commentator had his druthers.