By Jeff Moss
January 5, 2012
DetroitSportsRag@gmail.com 

For the last couple days I have attempted to write an entertaining preview of the Detroit Lions first playoff game since 1997**, but I found myself at a loss for words.

(** — Yes, I am aware the Lions “technically” participated in a postseason game during the 1999 season, but it doesn’t count in my book. First of all, that was the first season the team played after Barry Sanders’ retirement and the franchise was dead to me.)

The Lions backed into a playoff spot that miserable season with a record of 8-8 and a QB/RB tandem of Gus Frerotte and Ron Rivers. Their leading rusher in that game against Washington was a white fullback by the name of Cory Schlesinger for [Verlander’s] sake.

To go from Barry Sanders to that battering ram out of Nebraska would be like trading your Ferrari Enzo in for Mater the Greater.

Not only did I not care if the Lions beat the Redskins that afternoon at Jack Kent Cooke Stadium, I wouldn’t have mourned if the team’s plane crashed on the way to D.C.

The Lions made the postseason in 1999 like the UCLA Bruins earned a bowl appearance this year. For the purposes of the DSR, it doesn’t count thus their last playoff appearance occurred at Tampa in 1997.)

So with about 48 hours until kickoff in New Orleans, you would think a diehard fan of the Lions would be incredibly excited at the prospect of the team’s first legitimate postseason matchup in 14 years.

Think again.

And my lack of anticipation doesn’t even revolve around the fact that most Lions playoff games during my lifetime have played out like the movie series, “Saw.”

From Eddie Murray’s missed field goal in San Fran to Sterling Sharpe running down the field virtually uncovered at the Silverdome to Barry Sanders best Jack Johnson imitation in Green Bay (-1 yard rushing on 13 attempts) to the 58-37 debacle in Philadelphia as the FAVORITE to Scott Mitchell faking a career ending injury in Tampa, the franchise’s “recent” postseason history could have been written by Stephen King or Wes Craven.

To say I have been conditioned for whatever atrocity occurs in the Bayou on Saturday evening is a freaking understatement.

But that isn’t even why I am not giddy about the pending contest. No, that can be blamed on what went down at Lambeau Field last Sunday afternoon.

You see, there are a lot of Lions fans that are very content that the organization is back in the playoffs at all, but I am not one of them.

As I wrote (http://detroitsportsrag.com/mossisms072811.php) back in July of 2011, I felt this team SHOULD make the postseason and anything less would be a disappointment.

So I am not going to jump up and grab my ass cheeks because the Lions have done the bare minimum in a league where parity alone should earn you a playoff berth every few years.

Look, I wouldn’t have such a sour taste in my mouth if the Lions just would have taken care of business last weekend and defeated a team that was begging to lose.

As everyone knows by now, the Packers had nothing to play for on Sunday and treated the game with such disdain that they didn’t dress Aaron Rodgers, Clay Matthews and Charles Woodson.

And the Lions STILL couldn’t end their 20 year winless streak in Wisconsin, which is the equivalent of losing a “Battle of the Bands” to the Beatles on a day where John Lennon, Paul McCartney and George Harrison missed their bus.

And I love this talk from Ndelusional Suh and Gunther Cunningham that the defense’s complete and utter failure to contain a guy who had previously started ONE game in his entire NFL career (Matt Flynn) has no bearing on what will happen this weekend against the most prolific passer in NFL history (Drew Brees.)

Yep, the fact that the Lions allowed Flynn to break every one of Green Bay’s single game QB records for a franchise that has employed Bart Starr, Brett Favre and Rodgers isn’t a harbinger of what will occur on Saturday. Keep telling yourselves that.

It is about as rational a take as saying, “Well, yeah, I lost on Jeopardy! to Gary the Retard and Dexter Manley, but wait until next time when I face Ken Jennings!!!”

I mean, all the Lions had to do was defeat a Packers squad that was trying to mail it in and they could have avoided the pending slaughter in NOLA.

Unless you think a team that went 8-0 at home this year and outscored their opponents 329 to 143 in the Superdome is suddenly going to blow it against a defense that couldn’t stop Matt FUCKING Flynn from putting up Mattel Electronics Football stats six days ago.

I am not exaggerating when I write that last Sunday’s debacle in Green Bay was one of my five most disappointing Lions losses in a lifetime of them.

Their embarrassing failure to defeat the Split-Squad Packers robbed Lions fans of a very winnable matchup against a flawed New York Giants team.

And speaking of flawed, can someone please tell me how many assets this franchise has to spend on defensive linemen before, ya know, they can get an adequate pass rush against the opposing signal caller?

And the only thing more disturbing than the pressure the front four has been generating (other than Cliff Avril) is the horror that occurs when Gunther Cunningham punches up a blitz.

I have never, EVER seen a defense that cannot get to the quarterback like the Lions when on the rare occasion they decide to sellout in an attempt to disrupt the opposing offense.

The team’s cornerbacks, safeties and linebackers have the atrocious timing of a poorly dubbed karate flick.

And some of you might think I am nuts. What is the big deal if the Leos lose in New Orleans this week or if they would have eventually lost next weekend in Green Bay again?

Call me crazy, but I have been watching this piss-poor organization for five decades and doubling their total number of playoff wins during my lifetime in one evening would have had some qualitative effect.

If the Lions were on the precipice of facing the Giants this weekend we could have enjoyed a week of asking “What if?” as opposed to praying that what occurs at the Superdome on Saturday night doesn’t rival the anal homeless gang bang rapings that transpired during the Hurricane Katrina evacuation in 2005.

(If you think I am overreacting let me reiterate something for you. 329-143.)

About 31 years ago the play-by-play announcer for this upcoming Lions-Saints game famously asked the question, “Do you believe in miracles?”

If Matt Stafford and Calvin Johnson can somehow pull out a victory this Wild Card weekend than I will emphatically answer yes.

Lest anyone think otherwise, the smart dough (Moneyline of -575!!!!) is on Brees leading the Saints to a Category 5 onslaught though.