By Jeff Moss
January 20, 2012
DetroitSportsRag@gmail.com
For the last nine years I have been attempting to come up with clever ways to frame my sports related columns on this website.
But it appears in Detroit you only get rewarded for catering to the lowest common denominator. So instead of bashing my head against the wall coming up with an interesting way to introduce this article, I am going to make it real simple for you cocksucking hoopleheads™ (My New Twitter Avatar.)
It would seem that the way to get gig after gig in Motown even if you have no discernible talent or proven ability to secure an audience is to Write-By-Numbers.
So in the honor of Jamie Samuelsen’s new gig at “The Ticket”, I give you an article with absolutely no discernible originality.
Jeffrey Moss, the Editor-in-Chief of the DetroitSportsRag.com, blogs for this website. His opinions do not necessarily reflect those of the DetroitSportsRag.com nor its writers. You can reach him at detroitsportsrag@gmail.com, follow him on Twitter @JeffMossDSR and read more of his opinions athttp://www.detroitsportsrag.com/archive.php
Should the Detroit Tigers sign Johnny Damon (Michael Rosenberg’s Suggestion) or Vladimir Guerrero (Drew Sharp’s pick) to replace the injured Victor Martinez?
Well, we discovered something that these two Free Press jackasses do worse than write opinion pieces ……
Play amateur General Manager.
First of all, there is no way you are going to replace Victor Martinez with the trash still remaining on the free-agent landfill and there is a better chance of Prince Fielder firing Scott Boras tomorrow and hiring Cecil to be his agent than the first baseman signing in Detroit.
(The same Cecil Fielder who allegedly stole $200,000 from Prince’s first signing bonus to go on a Pai Gow poker gambling spree.)
Not the Sharpest Drew’s senseless article proposing that Dave Dombrowski sign Vladimir Guerrero to fill the V-Mart void was idiotic even by his standards.
Vlad is coming off a season where he walked a grand total of 17 times, had a lousy OBP of .317 and only hit 13 home runs in batter friendly Camden Yards. The aging former superstar posted an OPS of .733 in Baltimore. If that is the best the Tigers can do in “replacing” the second most clutch hitter in the American League, they might as well give Ryan Raburn the opportunity considering his OPS of .729 wasn’t much worse.
At least RosenNebbish was bright enough to figure out that one player can’t possibly fill the shoes of Martinez, but then he moronically suggested that signing Damon would suffice.
First off, the team hadn’t done enough this offseason to compete with the Yankees, Rangers and Angels. And that was BEFORE Victor suffered his season ending injury.
While the Yankees acquired a stud young pitcher (Michael Pineda) and a quality veteran starter (Hiroki Kuroda), the Tigers added Gerald Laird.
The Texas Rangers weren’t satisfied with their second straight World Series loss so they went and added Yu Darvish in the most expensive pitching acquisition in the history of organized baseball.
And would it surprise anyone if Prince ended up in Arlington?
The Tigers countered with the blockbuster acquisition of Octavio Dotel.
And then you have the Angels who went out and signed C.J. Wilson and one of the top five right handed batters to ever live.
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd, the Tigers re-signed Ramon Santiago.
It is pure folly to think any single move can get the Tigers to a position where they stood one second prior to V-Mart’s ACL in his knee tearing like a new bag of Doritos in the hands of Scott Anderson.
It is even more foolhardy to believe that the Tigers WITH Martinez were in a position to compete with the improved American League heavyweights as it was.
And considering we are about a month out from Spring Training, it is finally time for Dombrowski to print out the Q & A session between his owner and Bob Wojnowski from last September and ask about the two “big bats” that Mike Ilitch suggested he would get this offseason.
You want a REAL PLAN to “replace” Victor Martinez’s production in the Tigers lineup, here is my Hannibal Smith special that I have been concocting for the last 72 hours:
1) Call up the rebuilding Astros and offer a middling prospect for Carlos Lee. Between the money that Houston’s ownership would be willing to subsidize for the final year of Lee’s onerous contract and the insurance proceeds Lloyd’s of London will have to fork over to Ilitch for V-Mart’s injury, the Tigers would basically be paying Lee the same amount that Martinez was going to earn anyway.
Lee is a better option than any of the supposed sensible free-agents on the market and even though his fielding makes Delmon Young’s look like a 22-year old Ken Griffey, Jr., he can still hit the ball. It wouldn’t be shocking for C-Lee to achieve his career average OPS of .830 in the heart of Detroit’s batting order.
I mean, Lee enjoyed less protection in Houston last year than Daniel Craig’s character had in “Road to Perdition” after his dad, Paul Newman, was killed by Tom Hanks.
2) Sign Yeonis Cespdes. I know I have been beating this drum longer than John Adams (at least Dery will get the joke), but the importance of outbidding the Cubs and Marlins for his services has never been more important.
The fact that the Tigers have been dormant this offseason while apparently waiting for Cespedes to become a free-agent only makes it more crucial that they don’t let the Cuban version of Sam McGuffie sign elsewhere.
And while it is a gamble on how Cespedes’ Cuban league form will translate to MLB, if it payoffs the team will add a centerfielder who can hit, run and set the table for Brennan Boesch, Miguel Cabrera and Alex Avila.
And last time I checked, the owner of the Tigers has had pretty good success with defecting Communists in his lifetime.
3) Yes, I said centerfielder. If the Tigers win the Yeonis Derby and add Lee they would have an overflow of outfielders which would open the door for an Austin Jackson trade.
While Tigers fans might be a little sour on A-Jax after his sophomore slump in 2011, the kid is still a Gold Glove centerfielder waiting to happen and could easily elicit a second baseman or third baseman in trade.
I happen to believe that Jackson will develop into a fine major leaguer, but this team doesn’t have the luxury to be patient while their leadoff hitter flails away at pitches out of the strike zone.
4) If you can’t get a third baseman for Jackson then the team should immediately re-sign Wilson Betemit to platoon with Brandon Inge at third base.
I am not sure if Ilitch has Dementia or Alzheimer’s, but can someone shake him up and remind him that his team felt compelled to trade for Betemit just six months ago because the organization had no viable answer at third base.
Oh, and when they acquired Betemit, they designated their current answer at third (Brandon Inge) for assignment.
I MEAN, AM I THE ONLY FUCKING PERSON IN DETROIT WHO REMEMBERS THIS?!?!!?!?
So can someone please explain to me why Dombrowski is treating Betemit like a case of syphilis?
All the guy did was hit .292 after the trade with a damn good .346 on-base percentage and an OPS higher than VICTOR FUCKING MARTINEZ HAD LAST SEASON!!!!!!!!
And he would come cheap. You want to platoon that delusional, tattooed, malcontent with Betemit? Fine.
But the planned pairing of Don Kelly and Inge had abortion written all over it BEFORE they lost V-Mart to a season ending injury.
For all of Dombrowski’s inactivity this offseason, his refusal to inexpensively re-sign a guy who played extremely well upon his arrival in Detroit is the most mind boggling.
5) Call Theo Epstein and get Matt Garza. http://www.detroitsportsrag.com/mossisms011112.php
There are no simple solutions to fixing the current situation the Tigers find themselves in. Even though it would seem every dimwitted Detroit columnist has an easy answer.
Granted, the above plan is expensive (even without having to give Face Man seed money for a private jet), but I am pretty sure Ilitch can’t take that money with him when he drops dead.
Look, if your net worth was $1.5 billion and you were 83-years old, how much of that cash would you hand over for a legitimate chance to fulfill a childhood dream?
We will soon find out Ilitch’s answer to that query.