By Justin Spiro
spirojus@gmail.com
July 15, 2013

DSR Founder Jeff Moss is a successful insurance adjuster, talented writer, and the greatest human incendiary device known to man.

But the guy can’t catfish for crap.

A few weeks ago, with Moss in the infancy stages of his Foster’s Smokehouse obsession, I received a message. It detailed our founder’s hilarious (OK, mildly funny) idea of pretending to be a hot girl applying for a hostess position at the dump restaurant in Fraser.

I had no idea where Moss was going with this and frankly did not care. The lunatic needed my help finding pictures of some girl destined to be the DSR’s own Lennay Kekua. He didn’t have to ask me twice.

Within minutes, Moss was given access to a bevy of pictures of an attractive brunette in her 20s. Yes, I got permission. Some people are really stupid. Not our problem.

Moss immediately contacted Foster under the alias “Devon Richard”. He took time to consider the fake name and landed on that.  Idiot.

Here is the e-mail the Mensa Moss Man fired off to Valenti’s barely literate Robin:

Mr. Foster,

I am interested in a hostess position at your new restaurant. I don’t have any experience in the restaurant business, but I think I could be valuable to your bar if you are looking for a hostess.

I don’t have a resume as I am just out of college, but here are some pictures of me in case you’re interested.

-Devon Richard

And here’s where the problems begin. The captain of the RMS DirtSpirt created a Gmail account solely to fire off this correspondence. The name on the account? “Devon Redmond”.  Terry Foster received an e-mail from “Devon REDMOND” that was signed by “Devon RICHARD”.

Take a minute to Tweet @JeffMossDSR telling him what a dunce he is.  But come back, because it gets worse.

Compounding the horrible error, Moss included MULTIPLE pictures of DSR Lennay wearing a name tag bearing her ACTUAL name. So Foster received an e-mail from a person who signed a different name from what appeared in the e-mail heading, then likely perused the attached pictures of a girl wearing name tags bearing a THIRD name.  And one of the pictures was of DSR Lennay WAITRESSING AT A RESTAURANT after “she” told Foster she did not have any restaurant experience but might work out as a hostess.

Could you imagine the embarrassment spared of Manti T’eo had Ronaiah Tuiasosopo been this incompetent? You have the Tiger outfielder’s cousin fooling voice analyst experts across the nation, and poor Moss can’t settle on a fake name.  Even Stan Marsh’s grandpa would not buy into a Moss perpetuated scam.

Of course, Foster quickly realized something was awry and called “Devon Redmond/Devon Richard/Rachel” out on her questionable e-mail.  Or that never happened and Foster seemed very interested in the potential future employee and passed along her info to management. Hell, the guy even blogged about it!!!

Here is a quote from Sherlock Foster’s blog on Myst’s horrible attempt to fool anyone with an IQ over 75:

I received a letter from a woman who wants to be a hostess. She sent an email with no resume. She said she has no restaurant experience but believes she would be a great asset to the restaurant. What were her qualifications? She sent a bunch of photos of herself. The girl can stop traffic. Now can you hire somebody based on looks?

I mean if somebody asks why we hired her as hostess can we simply say “Cause she was puuu pammmmm??!!!

So I suppose Dumb Moss unintentionally revealed another chink in Foster’s sieve resembling armor.  People claiming inheritance from a strange unknown Nigerian uncle are less fooled than Foster was by this horrible attempt at catfishing.

If you ever get an e-mail from some hot chick with three names and an inconsistent backstory, it might be Jeff Moss.  Be on high alert.  If he can fool Foster, no one is safe.