By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
September 17, 2014

A few years ago Jamie Samuelsen was between jobs at WDFN and 97.1 and was slumming around doing sports updates on a classic rock station. I can’t remember if he was working for Ken Calvert, Doug “The Doc of Rock” Podell, Jim Johnson or Arthur Penhallow, but that’s not really the point.

Anyway, the down-on-his-luck broadcaster was asked to give a “Career Day” speech at Seaholm so he moped into the affluent high school and delivered what I am told was a speech so depressing that Nora Durst from “The Leftovers” told the big-headed dolt to cheer the fuck up already.

I am guessing Samuelsen had reflected on his broadcasting career and wondered where everything had gone wrong. Why he was never able to attract ratings at WDFN no matter the time slot? How could people of a lesser intellect (Scott Anderson, Terry Foster) have solid gigs at 97.1 while he did not?

So he must have trudged into that Birmingham high school thinking  that all his Northwestern education had gotten him was this sad gig at 94.7 and an occasional bland blog at the Free Press. While friends from his prestigious university were engaged in high-profile things like becoming the head writer at “Saturday Night Live” (Seth Meyers), Samuelsen must have been been cursing his fate.

97.1 eventually threw Samuelsen a bone and freed him from Paul Stanley/Bob Seger Hell, giving him a talk show that usually airs for 40 minutes a night whenever the Tigers, Red Wings or [previously] the Pistons are playing in the Eastern Time Zone. And that’s 40 minutes INCLUDING commercials, updates and awful Bob Wojnowski jokes.

Why do I bring all of this up today? If Jamie Samuelsen wants to know why his career has careened off an overpass, causing him to give  speeches that make the number of Paxil prescriptions skyrocket among adolescents, he needs to look in the mirror at his toxic combination of awful sports takes and bland personality.

Jamie, did ya think that mixing Ben Stein’s persona with opinions like the Lions should hire KEN HOLLAND as their General Manager would skyrocket you to the top, even in this putrid sports town?

Which brings us to the last 24 hours and potentially the dumbest fucking stance Samuelsen has ever taken in a career of asinine positions. And yes, I am including his suggestion that a hockey GM from BRITISH COLUMBIA, CANADA replace Matt Millen.

[And don’t even get me STARTED on JB’s constant defense of Scott Mitchell during the ’90s. I am sure this talentless schmuck is still sitting at home on Thursday nights rooting for Mitchell to shed the most weight on “The Biggest Loser.”]

This blog post from Tuesday on 97.1’s website was so atrocious that it nearly ruined my birthday dinner at the new Beau’s restaurant. (If there is anything more depressing than a Jamie Samuelsen “Career Day” speech, it was that old dark, cave-like interior at Beau Jack’s.)

This piece DEFENDING Brad Ausmus’ terrible managerial record this year is so horrific and nonsensical that it must be given the old Fire Joe Morgan-style dissection. So here we go …..

Did they teach ya math at Northwestern, ya whitebread motherfucker? The trade took away 25 homers and 106 RBI? Umm, what about Kinsler’s production? How about Nick Castellanos at third base and Miguel Cabrera at first? What about the improved infield defense because of that deal?

Or how about the fact that in 2013, Ian Kinsler had a WAR of 5.0 while Prince’s was an anemic 1.7?!?!?!?! The Tigers got the better of that deal the SECOND it was consummated and it has only gotten better since last winter. Kinsler has duplicated his 2013 season (4.4 WAR to date) while Fielder has missed almost the entire season!!!!!

You are going to list the Fielder/Kinsler trade as one of Ausmus’ HARDSHIPS?!?!!?!? Yeah, and it was just tragic that poor Prince George of Cambridge was born to William and Kate. That kid has quite a cross to bear, let me tell ya.

Oh my lord, how could a team with a $70 MILLION  PAYROLL ADVANTAGE over EVERY OTHER TEAM in their putrid division ever overcome the loss of a light-hitting shortstop, an inexperienced relief pitcher and an average platoon outfielder??!?!!??!?!?!?!?

The Lifetime Network should air a real tear-jerker about all of the atrocities that Ausmus has had to endure this season. Just make sure Brad is topless for a majority of the film in order to hook that menopausal woman demographic. Ya know, the same one Jamie Samuelsen is a part of.

Messy contract negotiation? Nobody has said a [Trout] damn word about Scherzer’s “messy contract negotiation” since MARCH!!!! It’s been a total non-starter but I am glad Jizz Bucket is already making up shit at this point to support his AWFUL thesis.

WHAT?!?!?! Does this imbecile even WATCH this team???!?!?!? Austin Jackson was mostly garbage before the trade and he has been a total BUST since going to the Mariners.

With the Tigers, Jackson had a middling OPS of .730 and displayed NONE of the consistency that you’d want out of a prototypical LEADOFF HITTER. He was incredibly streaky before the deal and has been just flat-out bad since. Unless you think a .566 OPS is good.

And Price didn’t specifically address any glaring need? He didn’t address any GLARING NEED?!?!?!? Yeah, because a team that has been throwing out Kyle Lobstein, Kyle Ryan, Robbie Ray and BUCK FUCKING FARMER since August 1st didn’t need the 2012 Cy Young winner taking the mound every fifth day!!!!

Did this jackhole not look at the transaction sheet on the day Anibal Sanchez was placed on the 15-day disabled list? Yeah, starting pitching has indeed been a GLARING NEED since the Price trade was made and the guy has been a freaking savior outside a couple of poor starts.

What is this guy WRITING ABOUT?

But wait, there is more ….

Cabrera has had his worst season since entering the league. No question about it. But a bad Cabrera season still means a WAR of 4.8 to date and an OPS creeping up near .900. It’s not exactly like he took the Albert Pujols nosedive from a couple of seasons ago.

And while Samuelsen mentions the Martinez Brothers’ (JD and Victor) contributions in passing, he completely fails to mention that those two have MORE THAN mitigated the Cabrera off-year.

Or how else the fuck do you explain THIS?

 

I love this narrative that the Tigers’ hitting has been so awful this season. I would wager  there are about 28 teams that would LOVE to trade their offense for the TIGERS’.

I am also guessing that those above-listed offensive stats can be credited to a guy who was picked up off the Houston Astros’ SCRAP HEAP during the offseason. Ausmus was gifted one of the top hitting outfielders in all of baseball for NOTHING!!!!

I am going to go out on a limb and say that MORE than makes up for the loss of Andy Dirks and all of the “drama” caused by Max Scherzer’s contract, ya fucking shitbag.

JD Martinez probably should get Top-10 AL MVP voting consideration at this point, but I mean, we lost Jose Iglesias!!!!!!

And don’t give me this shit about Verlander, either. If Porcello were having the JV season and Verlander were putting up Porcello’s stats, nobody would say boo about it. That’s total garbage and another red herring.

I cannot believe we are discussing the obstacles that Brad Ausmus has had to face this season. The guy won the managerial lottery in Detroit. In his first gig, he was handed a payroll that is now close to $170 million — while the Royals’ is hovering around $90 million.

At the trade deadline when Dave Dombrowski handed Ausmus a starting pitcher with a FIP of 2.92, Dayton Moore told Ned Yost to make do with what he had. Kansas City did NOTHING!!!!

What’s Jamie Samuelsen’s next blog going to be about? The incredible burden the US tax system has placed on the Koch Brothers? The uphill battle James Franco has when he is looking to get laid?

Brad Ausmus has the greatest inherent advantage of any coach or manager in ANY SPORT just by the simple fact he manages the Detroit Tigers of the American League Central. And Samuelsen somehow thinks the Olde English D is a “Scarlet Letter” or some shit.

Now, let’s take a look at all of the information that this oversized melon of a head neglected while penning this “Woe is Ausmus” trash.

• Ausmus has spent the season placing Don Kelly in the #6 hole. Yes, a man with a CAREER SLUGGING PERCENTAGE of .338 has been hitting sixth during a PENNANT RACE. It is September 17th and this light-hitting loser has a grand total of SIX extra-base hits and ZERO home runs.
• Ausmus is playing Kelly in the cavernous centerfield of Comerica Park when he has played less than half a season of his entire CAREER in CF. This almost led to an ISIS-like decapitation of Torii Hunter in right-center last week.
• The Ivy League Mimbo insists on using Joe Nathan as his closer even though the man clearly has lost it. Unless you think a relief pitcher is supposed to put 1.5 men on base per inning.
• At the trade deadline, his GM provided him with a proven closer in Joakim Soria. The Tigers gave up two of their top FIVE prospects for him. And, in his best imitation of Ned Yost, Ausmus has for the most part REFUSED to pitch the guy unless his team was up by fewer than three runs in the 7th inning. Even the original Superman, George Reeves, wasn’t pigeonholed as much as Soria has been of late.
• In a game earlier this season in Arizona (National League rules), the pretty boy surfer — who spent a preponderance of his career in the Senior Circuit — FORGOT to utilize the double-switch.
• Surfer boy still hasn’t figured out that Bryan Holaday is better versus righties than lefties because it would appear Ausmus has never heard of a reverse platoon split.
• Ausmus has stubbornly refused to keep any of his September call-ups fresh and ready for action — meaning that James McCann, Steven Moya and Tyler Collins have been rendered USELESS at this point due to rust.

Ausmus flat-out REFUSED to give McCann some work when he was first called up, even though he is the one catcher on the team that can hit lefty pitching. If used appropriately, McCann could counter opposing managers bringing in southpaws to face Alex Avila in the late innings.

Hell, even the feckless, castrated, eunuch Detroit beat writers were incredulous about this decision and they carry the Tigers water like they’re doing their best Gunga Din impression.

Which brings us back to the absolute CLUSTERFUCK we witnessed last night when every one of Ausmus’ managerial Achilles’ Heels were on display in a huge September game in a nip-and-tuck pennant race.

Start a lineup where half of it is comprised of minus WAR players? Check.

Place Kelly, Holaday and Andrew Romine in the same batting order? Check.

Play the infield in early in the game when it was pointless to do so and even though it really hasn’t worked ALL SEASON LONG? Check.

Refusing to pinch-hit for Don Kelly (and his six extra-base hits) with two runners on and two outs while trailing in the seventh inning? Check.

Handing the ball in the ninth inning to Joe Nathan and his 5.10 ERA and 1.57 WHIP instead of either keeping Porcello in the game (he only threw 103 pitches) or utilizing the dude you traded Jake Thompson and Corey Knebel for?  Check.

Mindlessly taking JD Martinez’s bat out of the lineup (after Miggy had ALREADY been removed) with the potential of extra innings looming because Nathan had to pitch in front of the HUGE defensive upgrade of Ezequiel Carrera (for Rajai Davis) in center? Check.

And how did that switcheroo work out for you, B[r]ad?!?!!?!?!?

Nothing could be more humorous than Jamie Samuelsen making his closing argument on the case of the Mimbo Manager vs. the People of Southeastern Michigan on the night that this was Tweeted:

This was Brad Ausmus’ worst game of the year, and there’s no close runner-up.

— Tony Paul (@TonyPaul1984) September 17, 2014

Or this …..

There’s no way that Carrera in CF and Davis in LF is enough of an upgrade over Davis in CF and JDM in LF to justify the hit on offense. — Dave Hogg (@Stareagle) September 17, 2014

But the best Twat of the night came from a man who has dedicated his life to baseball mathematics. A contributor to both ESPN and Fangraphs. The one and only Dan Szymborski …..

Brad Ausmus has essentially become Little League Dad.

— Dan Szymborski (@DSzymborski) September 17, 2014

A baseball savant is mocking Ausmus with the put-down that the Tigers’ manager is basically a doting, loyal father with no regard for wins and losses.

DAGGER.

Meanwhile, Samuelsen is writing a fucking blog post basically making the case that Ausmus is facing the same awful odds as Gerard Butler did in the movie, “300.”

Oh. OKAY.

Before I finish this diatribe against Tapioca Radio Host, I want to leave you with this.

It is universally accepted that Ned Yost is an awful manager. On a nightly basis the Royals field boss is getting lit the fuck up by the likes of the following baseball literati:

Jeff Passan
Jonah Keri
Keith Law
Dave Cameron

And the Kansas City Star’s Andy McCullough also takes Yost to the woodshed.

I dare you to find ONE credible baseball mind who thinks that Ned Yost is competent.

So explain to me how Brad Ausmus is doing such a wonderful job when his team has the superior starting pitching; the MUCH BETTER offensive lineup; a $70 million payroll advantage; and a GM who is willing to use a multi-million-dollar caulking gun to fix his team’s leaks — yet the Tigers are STILL only 1.5 games ahead of Ned Yost’s Royals with Rosh Hashanah right around the corner!!!!!

We all agree that Yost is a third-trimester abortion This is his team’s offensive resume …..

1 1/2 games up on a team with deficient starting pitching and THAT offense.

Now, THAT’S as suicidally depressing as listening to a Jamie Samuelsen CAREER DAY lecture.

Dartmouth and Northwestern have had better days.

Oh, and the case for Brad Ausmus? I am awarding summary judgement to ….. HE FUCKING STINKS!