By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
October 15, 2014
One of the main problems I’ve had since this site debuted in March of 2003 is that I’ve hesitated to post articles that I didn’t think were funny or clever or absolutely brilliant. But sometimes you just have to place someone’s absolute idiocy on the record for posterity. This is one of those times.
Just the other day, the Tigers beat writer for the Detroit News, Tom Gage, wrote one of the most mind-numbing, [mentally challenged], horrific opinion pieces that I have ever read.
The premise of the column was what Tom would do this offseason if he were the General Manager of the Tigers. What we learned is Gage would be the managerial Frankenstein of five-tool imbeciles Russ Thomas, Matt Millen, Randy Smith and Jimmy Skinner.
Gage’s idea for 2015 is basically this: Reunite most of the current team, increase the payroll to around $200 million and don’t even bother fixing any of the team’s Achilles’ Heels.
It would appear from this third-trimester abortion of an article that Gage’s only concern next season is to bring back all of the media friendly members of a franchise that was swept by a team that was itself unceremoniously broomed out of the playoffs by the KANSAS CITY ROYALS.
But enough with my perfunctory opening remarks, let’s just get to the slaughter of this inane hoarder of Marriot points and frequent flyer miles ….
Well, that’s a good start!!! Of course, an amoeba would know it is imperative to bring back a dude coming off a .974 OPS season. I only mention this suggestion because it impacts one of this moron’s other points later in the article.
First off all, Scherzer isn’t coming back. Why are you even wasting your breath? Secondly, if the Tigers did follow Gage’s first two suggestions, the team’s payroll would be approximately $107 million for two starters, a first baseman and a DH. With 21 other slots to fill. I must have missed the press release stating that Magic Johnson and Peter Guber bought the team from Mike Ilitch.
Also, that $107 million for FOUR GUYS? That is $17 million MORE than the ENTIRE 2014 Royals budget.
Will someone get this relic an abacus?
Let’s proceed ….
What?!?!?!?! Under your OWN scenario, you already have signed your DH and you are going to bring back a FORTY-YEAR-OLD cripple to play in the OUTFIELD?!?!?
I mean, this guy is a beat writer who follows the team around the country and had a front-row seat to watch Hunter’s butchery of right field in 2014 and he thinks it would be a good idea to give him THIRTEEN MILLION DOLLARS this upcoming season?
Torii Hunter’s AGENT wouldn’t have the chutzpah (I told you I write for the Detroit Jewish News) to ask for such a mashugana contract.
Fuck defensive metrics — which told us that Hunter was the WORST defensive outfielder in ALL of baseball by any measure — just watch the guy PLAY!!!!! If he isn’t going to gently transition into a gig as a Bristol studio host on Baseball Tonight, he has to DH and ya already got V-Mart!!!!!
A LUXURY to bring back Joakim Soria?!?!?!? A luxury!!!!!! Are you familiar with this team’s bullpen THIS CENTURY!?!!?!?!? A luxury. The primary focus of this offseason HAS to be fixing the bullpen once and for all and Gage thinks giving $7 million to a reliever who struck out 9.74 batters per nine; only walked 1.22 per nine; and had a FIP of 2.09 is a LUXURY.
Yeah, and so is electricity and running water, you fucking dolt.
You wouldn’t think that this position piece could get any worse, but buckle up, folks!!!!
Yeah. Let’s bring back a situational lefty who can’t get lefties out on a consistent basis. And while we are at it, let’s give him a RAISE!!!!! I mean, who among us out there isn’t thinking that the solution to the Tigers’ bullpen woes is to get rid of Soria and keep PHIL COKE?!??!?!?
At this point, I remind you that this fuckface draws a check for writing about the DETROIT TIGERS. Can you imagine?
Huh???? He is under team control until 2018; why not see what Martinez does in 2015, when there will be actual expectations for the guy? Of course, in comparison to the rest of this dummy’s suggestions, this is the equivalent of Jhonny Peralta for Giovanni Soto.
Please contract Ebola and make sure it is contained to the Detroit baseball media on a day when Tony Paul is working the desk at the News. Do I even need to address the suggestion that this team — with its GLARING bench issues — should not only keep Don Kelly, but also give him a RAISE?
I’d love to see Tom Gage as the White House correspondent for the Washington Post. Yeah, I know the Director of the Secret Service almost got President Obama killed a few times, but let’s give Julia Pierson a 20% salary bump!!!
Alright, this must be a joke. Come on, Allen Funt, time to get out from behind the webcam on my laptop. Not only would you have to give up prospects to get A-Jax back, he would probably command about seven or eight million dollars through arbitration!!!!
And did I mention that Jackson’s defense is overrated and that his post-All-Star break OPS was a paltry .615? Kim Basinger getting back with Alec Baldwin makes more fucking sense.
So not only is this fool a HORRIBLE beat writer and a terrible armchair GM, he would also make the worst CPA this side of Rihanna’s accountant.
The thing that really stands out about this article is the ONLY player that is not currently on the Tigers who Gage suggests bringing in is Austin Jackson. Does he know that there are other players and teams in baseball? No mention of Colby Rasmus, Andrew Miller, Brandon McCarthy, Norichika Aoki, Luke Gregerson ….. I COULD GO ON!!!!!
Nope. Bring back DON KELLY AND PHIL COKE. That’s the solution. Well, the Final Solution, maybe.
So we’ve come to the end of Gage’s 2015 master plan and he NEVER addresses either the bench or the bullpen. That would be like Scott “The Gator” Anderson going to a physician and said doctor NEVER mentioning either weight loss or correcting Orca’s crooked eye but instead providing a prescription for more 69 jokes and guitar lessons.
It would be hard to believe that anything could stop this article from receiving the year-end “DSR Raggie” for worst column, but I am not even sure that we won’t see a “worthier” contribution THIS WEEK.
This.
Town.