By Jeff Moss
July 29, 2011
DetroitSportsRag@gmail.com
What do Drew, Evan, Harvey Keitel, JJ and the Morning Crew, Wimpy, Crazy-Bone, LeBron James and MC Ren have in common? They are all part of Fucking Pissed That My Nephews Are Moving To Chicago Today Mossisms™.
Will Someone Please Hire Christy McDonald?
One of the major problems with the media members in this town is that they all seem to be good buddies. They either have worked at the same paper or the same radio station at some point and there is basically a general love fest that has developed.
And because of these friendships they don’t like to rip on each other when one of them says something [Mentally Challenged.] The writers and broadcasters in Detroit are like the police who always protected their own in the movie “Cop Land” and I am a just less muscular version of Sylvester Stallone’s character with better hearing.
You see, I don’t really care about making friends. I am going to write whatever the fuck I want, when I want and if someone doesn’t like it, well, they can blow me. (That is actually just a figure of speech unless I am ripping on someone named Lauren, Allison, Erin Nicole or Shannon.)
Anyway, I am in a real shitty mood while writing this article and the latest steaming pile of shit that emanated out of Jamie Samuelsen’s computer didn’t help my nasty disposition.
This talentless hack actually had the audacity to post a blog on the Freep.com yesterday entitled, “Despite roster limitations, injuries, Jim Leyland has Tigers in 1st.”
(If you want to read this third trimester abortion of a column yourself, you can click here:http://tinyurl.com/3llmelv.)
This absolute jackass had the nerve to write an article giving any credit whatsoever to Cancer Stick for the Tigers position when in actuality the only reason they occupy a current playoff spot is because they were lucky enough to be moved out of the AL East three decades ago.
The uncreative, middle of the road taker started his blog with this quote:
“Tiger fans weren’t too pleased with Jim Leyland on Monday night. It didn’t start well when they saw Ryan Raburn’s name in the starting lineup at third base. It didn’t make it any better that Duane Below started the game on the road against a division rival in the heat of a pennant race.
Ok, who the fuck was upset that Send the Duane Below got the start in that game? I personally didn’t hear ONE COMPLAINT that the rookie lefty was getting the nod for the series opener.
Maybe callers to the WCSX morning show where Samuelsen apparently works were upset that their favorite Steely Dan song was being interrupted for his bland updates and they cracked on Below, but other than that, this sure as shit sounds like a straw man argument to me.
I mean, the team needs a fifth starter until they make a trade and NOBODY wants Phil “Pop-up Pointer” Coke out there every fifth day so it is either Below or Charlie Furbush and there isn’t one semi-knowledgeable Tigers fans who would blame Cancer Stick for that.
But it gets worse from there. MUCH. WORSE.
“If Leyland blows a move with Miguel Cabrera, Justin Verlander or Jose Valverde, he deserves the blame. But if he’s forced to be using Raburn at third, or Below in the starting rotation, then shouldn’t the blame be on the man who handed Leyland the players in the first place? (With all due respect to Raburn, he’s a major leaguer. He’s proved that during his career. But he’s not a major league third baseman.)”
Forced to use Raburn at third? He is forced to use Raburn at third? Are you fucking kidding me with that comment?!?!?!
Who the fuck forced Emaciated Adolf to play Ryan Raburn at third fucking base? Ummm, last time I checked, the General Manager just made a trade for a third baseman. His name is Wilson Betemit.
Unless that dumb hillbilly Raburn walked into Leyland’s office with a pistol and pointed it at that windbags’ head, NOBODY FORCED HIM TO PLAY THE GUY WHO CAN’T FIELD, CAN’T HIT AND CAN’T RUN THE BASES.
The real reason he inserted Raburn into the lineup at a position he hadn’t played all year is because Betemit was 1-for-6 in his career against that night’s starter, Mark Buehrle.
So if you want to say any entity forced that dumbshit manager of ours to play Raburn, it was a SAMPLE SIZE OF SIX AT-BATS!!!!!!!!
Jizz Bucket then put a bow on this nightmare of a blog with this beauty:
“Now look at what Leyland has had to deal with. Sure he has Miguel Cabrera, Victor Martinez and Verlander. But after that, he’s had to deal with Dombrowski’s failings and Dombrowski’s mistakes. The fact that the Tigers are still in first place and still contending is a tribute to a lot of things — and one of those things is the job Leyland has done despite all the roster limitations.”
Let’s get this straight once and for all. The reason the Tigers are in first place is because they suck just a little less than the rest of the trash in the AL Central.
Unless Leyland has voodoo dolls of Justin Morneau, Joe Mauer, Denard Span and other key Minnesota Twins, he has about as much to do with the Tigers being in first place as Dick the Bruiser.
The team is in first place DESPITE their under .500 career manager.
They are in first place despite his obsession with giving Jhonny Peralta a day off every 72 hours.
They are in first place despite the continued stupidity of having Magglio Ordonez bat third in the lineup.
They are in first place despite the fact that Leyland the other night placed our three worst regulars in that evening’s lineup in the 1-2-3 slots. (Jackson, Raburn and Mags.)
They are in first place despite the idiot’s decision to bring in a rookie reliever with no experience into a bases loaded situation in a tie game during a pennant race against their biggest rival. (A circumstance that hadn’t occurred in MLB in over a decade.)
They are in first place despite Cancer’s decision to place Alex Avila in the nine spot the other night only to watch his All-Star catcher get INTENTIONALLY WALKED so the Sox could pitch to Austin Jackson.
In over 30 years of watching baseball I have NEVER witnessed the starting NINE hitter get intentionally walked so the opposition could face the starting leadoff man. Never have seen that. Ever.
When I texted DSR co-creator Gregg Schultz this horrid blog posting he went ballistic. And even though Schultz is currently on a five-year hiatus from the DSR (no, I didn’t Eduardo Saverin him), he did provide me with these texts about JB:
“Cleveland and Chicago have no rookies in their lineup. Just the Tigers. What a dumbass.”
“How about saying the rest (of the roster moves) are from trades. I mean, he (Dombrowski) traded some decent home grown players and prospects to get Cabrera, Jackson, Scherzer, etc.”
“His career bothers me more than anyone else in the media. If not for his wife he would be so long gone.”
“He has no right being in that business. Never even paid any dues.”
And you thought I had a problem with the guy.
And that is probably the closest the DSR has come to seeing a “The World According to Gregg” column since the U of M/Appalachian State debacle.
That fact of the matter is Ozzie Guillen, Manny Acta and Ron Gardenhire would all trade their left nut to have five All-Stars on their team.
The Tigers have the most healthy talent in the AL Central and they SHOULD win the division.
I am begging a TV news producer anywhere in the country other than HERE to offer Christy McDonald a well-paying part-time job so she can balance her profession and her parental duties so we can finally be rid of this guy.
Please for the love of [Verlander] let it happen soon. I can’t take his milquetoast opinions for one day longer.
“I still express, yo, I don’t smoke weed or sess -Cause it’s known to give a brother brain damage”
Now, I am not about to go all Bill Maher on you here, but it is my opinion that the “War on Drugs” has been an epic failure and that legalization needs to take place. Especially the decriminalization of marijuana.
Which isn’t to say that weed can’t cause harm to your brain because I think we are seeing the side effects of heavy dope smoking in the recent ramblings of MLIVE.com columnist David Mayo.
The reformed pot smoker wrote a column this Wednesday that had the following headline: “Edwin Jackson trade shows White Sox have given up hope of catching Tigers, Indians.”
I shit you not, that position was the basis for Mayo’s article. Consider that when “Puff the Magic” Mayo wrote that column, the Chisox were 1 ½ games behind the Indians and trailed the Tigers by 3 ½ games.
In other words, this moron actually thought that Kenny Williams was abandoning the season with 59 games to go because he dealt one of his SIX starting pitchers for some financial relief and bullpen help.
(If you are a total glutton for punishment and you want your eyes to bleed, you can read the column here:http://tinyurl.com/3zfng6k)
And if you think this is a case where the headline writer didn’t really read the author’s column and gave it a misleading headline, well, think again:
“The Chicago White Sox, in trading Jackson on Wednesday, signified that they have given up in the American League Central and restored the lukewarm division to a two-team race between the Tigers and Cleveland Indians.”
Yep, a team that was only ONE AND A HALF GAMES BEHIND THE TRIBE AT THE TIME OF THE DEAL APPARENTLY HAVE GIVEN UP ON CATCHING THEM EVEN THOUGH THERE ARE STILL ABOUT 10 WEEKS OF BASEBALL REMAINING!!!!!!!!
But Mayo wasn’t done. He went on to write, “Turns out the White Sox have white flags, too — and they’re waving them like mad.”
I don’t even have words to respond to this lunacy so I will let Mayo continue to make a total ass of himself:
“The White Sox demonstrated they know it too, and now, with only the Indians in their way, anything other than a division championship would go far beyond extreme disappointment for the Tigers.”
It is now Friday morning and after another embarrassing Tigers loss, the team from the South Side of Chicago trails the Tigers by only three games.
We are talking about THREE GAMES HERE!!!!!!!!!!!
It isn’t inconceivable that a week from now the Sox could be in first place yet this fucking imbecile believes that the only thing standing in the Tigers way are the Cleveland Indians.
I didn’t know what else to say about this ridiculous article so I requested a little help from the White Sox play-by-play announcer, Hawk Harrelson.
I asked Hawk where all of David Mayo’s brain cells went.
Hawk replied with a simple, “They Gone!”
Only if You Want It, Yes I Really Want It .. Can I get an Eye-Opener ….
Just as I was putting the finishing touches on this bitter diatribe came word on Twitter that the Lions have agreed to terms with a free-agent cornerback.
And with Johnathan Joseph backing up a Brinks truck and taking his idiotic first name spelling to Houston and Nnamdi Asomugha wanting too much cash and Antonio Cromartie being unavailable to negotiate because he is still opening up Father’s Day presents, the Lions brass decided to sign Eric Wright.
And because I wasn’t too familiar with this particular Eric Wright’s work, I decided to Google his name.
And after sifting through a video for “ Real Muthaphuckkin G’s”, the first link to an article I found regarding the ex-Cleveland Browns CB was this beauty: http://tinyurl.com/6h48ywg.
It would appear that the Lions big secondary signing is that of a guy who was so bad last year that he was receiving DEATH THREATS from Clevelanders!!!!!
Only the Lions could enter the free-agency market with their fanbase frothing at the mouth for a key addition and then provide them with a guy from Cleveland who is LESS POPULAR than LeBron James!!!!!!
I mean, as bad as Bruce McNorton was in Detroit during the 80s, I am pretty sure nobody was calling for his death other than me.
And you know what I always say, if you can acquire a guy whose previous team’s fans wanted him six-feet under, ya gotta do it.
And on that note, I think I am going to sleep. Maybe by the time I wake up, Martin Mayhew will have signed someone else as popular as “Eazy-E.”
I hear ABC and NBC haven’t been able to close a deal with Casey Anthony ….