By Justin Spiro
spirojus@msu.edu
February 13, 2014

It has been two years since we crowned Michael Rosenberg the Worst Sports Media Personality in Detroit. It was an appropriate parting gift for an uninteresting and unfunny hack of a journalist who inexplicably secured a promotion to Sports Illustrated. This career leap was made in the immediate aftermath of Rosenberg’s series of reports that “exposed” the Michigan Football program’s horrible misdeeds of doing too many jumping jacks in their new weight room.

Our Fucked-Up Four preview from 2012 labeled Rosenberg the “biggest slimeball in Detroit media history,” a description that seems no less hyperbolic now than it did then. Rosenberg had bored his readers for years with horrible attempts at humor and a glaring lack of sports intellect. Yet as awful as he was, there is zero chance he claims the local media’s ultimate dishonor without his deliberate sabotage of the Michigan Football program.

Rosenberg was the first and so far only “winner” of this tournament, and he set the bar awfully high (low?) To get a sense of the vitriol the fans of Detroit felt toward the nerd, read this excerpt from our 2012 preview:

“If this were a worst person in Michigan tournament, with all citizens of the state included, Rosenberg would still be a 1-seed. That is how bad of a person Michael Rosenberg is.”

Point being, it takes a special blend of awful to make it this far. This is the Fucked-Up Four, where only the truly putrid thrive. The media in this town is so collectively awful that you cannot advance to the final rounds simply through dereliction of journalistic duty. Your contemptible conduct must transcend the workplace. Your very existence must be an utter shame.

While I do not personally agree with all of the decisions the public and we have made throughout this tournament, there is no denying the worthiness of the last men standing.

In an interesting side note, these two exact battles occurred in our 2012 tournament in the third round with Foster thrashing Albom and Caputo knocking off Goodwill. Will that be a precursor of things to come?

The Final 2012 Bracket

The Current 2014 Bracket

Without further delay, let’s preview the matchups and offer predictions..

Terry Foster (#1) v. Mitch Albom (#3)

Terry Foster is the only returning participant from the original Fucked-Up Four, a 2-year streak that seems dynastic given the competition. The winner of the Eric Pate Regional, Foster destroyed legends of terror Mike O’Hara, Chris McCosky, and Drew Sharp en route to cutting down the nets.

Foster entered this tournament as the favorite, which seems appropriate given how bad he has been in the two years AFTER he bowed out to Rosenberg in the final round. It took a legendary run of ineptitude and gross misconduct from Rosenberg to knock off Foster in 2012.

This is Foster’s tournament to lose. The only person capable of beating Foster two years ago has left the scene of his crimes, and Foster has only strengthened his resumé since that tilt.

In the 2012 tournament, Foster relied primarily on his elementary-level writing skills and delusional sense of self-worth to nearly claim the title. His run of dominance leading to the Finals was stunning, as Foster earned no less than 77% of the vote in each of his matchups. This year’s dominance has matched and even surpassed that of the 2012 run.

During the tournament two years ago, Foster claimed DSR Founder Jeff Moss was racist and asserted it was Moss’s prejudice against black people that had carried Mike Valenti’s coattail rider so far in the voting. To quote Foster’s response to my interview inquiry at the time:

“Justin don’t be foolish. The guy set up the tournament so I would win. He hates me. I called him out for being a clown so he rigged a tournament because I embarrassed him on twitter. I called him racist so now this is his way to get back.”

This year, Foster brings all of his previous baggage to the table and a whole lot more. He is still incapable of writing at a respectable level. His columns are poorly written but to a certain degree his editors spare him total embarrassment. This is not the case on his blog and on Twitter, where Foster misspells basic words with regularity.

Oh, you want a sample? Sure, why not! The following “words” have appeared in Foster’s blog and/or Twitter feed in the past year:

“Websight”

“Shamefull”

“Distroy”

“Waring”

Terry Foster wouldn’t make the Final Four of a 2nd grade spelling bee. And while you can defend many people who struggle with spelling but who are otherwise intelligent, no such defense can be made for Foster. The content of his opinions is somehow worse than his delivery of them.

Foster has one thing going for him that he didn’t last time. That whole Foster’s Smokehouse thing. You know, the new restaurant that he spammed out to his Twitter followers for months, mocking even the most polite of skeptics with a level of defiance reserved only for the most delusional of human beings.

We at the DSR have respect for people who take chances in business, whether the venture proves successful or not. However, Foster’s arrogance in pumping the place up, complete indifference to alleged assaults by management, and startling record of blatant lying exposes him to the harshest of criticism. Moss has covered in detail the trail of lies Foster has left in his wake. It began with deception regarding the constantly delayed “Grand Opening.” Next, Foster developed an almost daily habit of telling people the restaurant was packed, which numerous people refuted with photos of the creepily empty Foster’s Ghosthouse.

Most recently, Foster has made bizarre claims regarding a lucrative “buyout” the owners received. This, he says, explains why they closed their doors. Of course, the market for flailing restaurants rife with unreported health code violations IS stronger than normal these days. Perhaps we gotta believe him on this.

Have I mentioned Foster’s self-appointed nickname is, “The Truth”?

Don’t worry, though. The thousands of patrons who shared many great times at the Closedhouse will be pleased to hear the restaurant is reopen ing at a new location sometime in the future. Don’t ask for a projected date, though. Getting a projected decade has been hard enough.

Foster is like a real-life Gil Gunderson, though at least Ol’ Gil was humble and upfront about his struggles in business.

“The Truth” is not only dishonest regarding his disastrous forays into the business world, but also laughably delusional when it comes to “his” success in broadcasting. Foster owes the entirety of his success to Mike Valenti, yet arrogantly portrays the duo’s show as a 50/50 venture. In his blog, Foster likened Valenti and Foster to a dynasty.

“The vast majority of people support Mike and I but I wanted to let you in on the dirty little secret of the media. Mike and I are sometimes like Duke, the New York Yankees or the Miami Heat. We do a good job but some people will hate on you because of your success or opinions.”

Anything better than this guy? It is THE dirty little secret of the media that his show is great, but everyone else is jealous of his success and therefore is mean to him. Those naughty haters!

Foster takes issue with people criticizing him based on his opinions. Um. What?

You have to love the insinuation that anyone criticizing Terry Foster is merely a jealous hater. How convenient for a man who does so much to warrant criticism.

When I think of Terry Foster, I absolutely think of the 27-time World Champion New York Yankees and 2-time reigning NBA Champion Miami Heat. They are synonymous.

Actually, Foster might be onto something with the Miami Heat comparison. The Heat DID lose in the finals before winning two straight titles. Anyone want to bet against Black Ol’ Gil matching that performance in this tournament?

Don’t worry, not every summary will be this long. Foster commands the most ink in this preview because I think he has provided the most condemnable behavior. However, there is plenty to say about his challenger as well.

Mitch Albom advancing to the Fucked-Up Four is somewhat of a surprise. The 3 seed in the Copernicus Regional was a pretty heavy underdog in his Shitty Sixteen matchup with John Lowe and an even bigger underdog against 2012 Fucked-Up Four participant Lynn Henning in the Excrement Eight.

I have spent the last several days arguing with Juff Muss regarding Albom and his impressive run in this tournament. Frankly, I think the people got this one wrong. But here we are, so let’s talk about it.

The differences between Foster and Albom are stark. Foster pairs an elite level of dumb with his awful personality. Albom is more of a tragic figure, as the ability is there but the interest and attitude is not.

While no real threat to Foster in this tournament, it is the ultimate insult to Albom to be matched up against the guy THIS FAR into this thing. That is what happens when you, for example, ignore the Detroit Tigers for six months and then emerge from the heavens to grace us with your thoughts on the ALCS failure.

Albom has made a habit of paying little to no mind to the Detroit sports scene. It is clear his focus is writing trite plays about the life of Ernie Harwell and, as Moss puts it, “death-obsessed novellas”.

And to think Albom was a fine member of the media for many years. Success changed him much like it did Mike Valenti, another member of the Indifferent Hall of Fame.

In the last few months, Albom mocked the entire sabermetrics movement and declared Jim Leyland the best manager on the planet. In a tournament hosted by the DSR, maybe he does belong here after all.

The Bottom Line:

While he may garner a few votes for his ridiculous mockery of advanced metrics and delusional love of Jim Leyland, Albom is no match for the #1 overall seed. “The Truth” moves on, and Albom cherishes an opportunity to write a death novella featuring his own demise in the Fucked-Up Four.

Prediction:

Foster: 92%
Albom: 8%

Vincent Goodwill (1) vs. Pat Caputo (3)

Another match-up between a #1 and #3 seed, though this one is destined to have a tighter outcome.

Goodwill is the poster boy for what the DSR was created to combat. In a town featuring a handful of writers PAID BY THE TEAMS, somehow Vinny stands alone atop Shill Mountain.

This loser spends half the day on Twitter defending the Detroit Pistons against any and all attacks, constructive criticism, and really anything that is not high praise. The hypersensitivity displayed on a day-to-day basis is stunning, something you would expect from a relative of a Pistons executive rather than a supposed journalist covering the team.

As bad as Terry Foster is, he will at least on occasion get after the local teams and give fans a platform to do the same. Goodwill? He will block people for asking questions like, “Did you see Trey Burke tonight? 18 points, 7 assists, looked pretty sharp!”

Anything perceived as a slight against the Pistons is enough to have Vin up in arms. Goodwill is an insult to journalism, a professional field founded on the basis of asking tough questions and demanding accountability. Not only does Goodwill apply zero pressure to the national folly that is the Detroit Pistons, he has consistently provided a shield from the criticism.

It is embarrassing that we needed BILL SIMMONS to say something on our behalf, as the local media has had no interest in criticizing the Pistons’ ineptitude. Goodwill is the bandleader of the “Give Joe 10-15 more years” movement.

Pat Caputo’s presence in the Fucked-Up Four is a bit of a surprise to me. There are so many worse media personalities in this town, and to me the guy is an endearing oaf.

I have taken heat for years from Moss and the rest of the DSR for being a Caputo apologist. Look. The guy is not good. I do not think he is good. I have never thought he was good. He’s just Pat Caputo.

Here is where I will defend poor Cap. When there is something major going on in Detroit sports, he will spend the majority of his show discussing that topic. He is guilty like everyone else of straying into “food cart/ice fishing” nonsense on slow days, but he will rarely do so when something major is occurring. The week of the NFL Draft, he will talk Lions, Lions, and more Lions. When it really counts, he is better at staying on point than his media counterparts.

I cringed when Pat Cap criticized the Tigers’ acquisition of Doug Fister based on his 3-12 record. I stopped reading when the goof joined the parade of mouth-breathers mocking the analytics movement in baseball.

I don’t think the guy is good. But he openly makes fun of himself and his lot in life. A few months ago, during a late night shift, Cap almost said “asshole” on the air but caught himself. He followed that with, “Oh well, I am like Bob Uecker in Major League, can’t be that many people listening right now anyway.”

THE GUY KNOWS HE IS A BUFFOON!!!

But he likes talking sports and they give him gas money, so he does it.

The voters in this tournament have spoken, and they do not like Pat Caputo. And hell, I don’t think he’s great either. But he didn’t deserve to make it this far and you are all very mean.

The Bottom Line:

Caputo puts a brief scare into Goodwill before the avalanche of Goodwill hate pours in. I breathe a sigh of relief as my favorite fat, endearing dummy narrowly avoids the embarrassment of being a finalist in this tournament.

Prediction:

Goodwill: 74%
Caputo: 26%

Finals Prediction

Terry Foster once boasted that he was Vincent Goodwill’s “mentor.” And that he taught Young Vin much of what he knows.

Not since the Duel on Mustafar has an audience been more excited for a Master vs. Apprentice showdown.

The combination of Foster’s restaurant saga, his vast experience in this tournament, and the fact Obi-Wan Kenobi beat Anakin Skywalker makes me think Foster wins this thing.

I wonder if Foster will be willing to publicly accuse Moss of racism-fueled tournament-fixing again. Either way, this is Foster’s year. I can feel it.

Prediction:

Foster: 63%
Goodwill: 37%