By Jeff Moss
July 8, 2012
DetroitSportsRag@gmail.com
There is nothing in this world that I hate more than having to tell you people, “I told you so.”
Wait. I think I’ve got that COMPLETELY ass-backwards. Scratch that.
There is nothing in this world that I LOVE more than being proven correct and then being able to blab all about it on the DSR which is why this last week has been especially difficult for me.
A couple of weeks ago I penned a column regarding the Detroit Red Wings and the impending disaster during free agency that I felt was pending.
In the above referenced article I explained that GM Kenny Holland and the Wings didn’t have much more to offer than any of the other potential suitors for Zach Parise, Ryan Suter, Justin Schultz, etc.
I wrote that these free agents didn’t care about the Wings status as an “Original 6” franchise or the team’s recent championship success which is now ancient history to some of these players.
I summed up the situation up by stating that other than MONEY, Holland didn’t have much to offer the Parise/Suter combo unless a team with aging superstars playing in a building on the verge of condemnation in a cesspool of a city was a huge drawing card for the Team USA pair.
Well, we are now a week into the NHL free agency frenzy and as I predicted, the Wings have come up with bupkus. Suter and Parise decided to take their pussy-whipped talents to Minneapolis while Holland, Jim Nill and company inked deals with Damien Brunner, Jonas Gustavsson, Jordin Tootoo and Mikael Samuelsson.
I planned on giving Holland a few more days before having a nervous breakdown in this space regarding those acquisitions in the hope that the Wings GM would prove me wrong and make a splash with a blockbuster trade. Something he hasn’t done in 11 years.
But the timeframe for publishing this piece sped up significantly when I woke up Sunday morning to read Mitch Albom’s column, “With Ryan Suter on Red Wings or not, Detroit is still Hockeytown.”
Now, I am not sure what possessed Condescending Baggins to actually write a SPORTS related column for the Sunday Freep as opposed to his normal puritanical garbage where he decries the fall of Western Civilization due to the popularity of “50 Shades of Grey” or whines about baristas not paying attention to his Starbuck order, but Frodo instead decided to pen a Wings shill piece.
Please bear with me here for a second as I will proceed to deconstruct the childish words of the mortality obsessed Keebler Elf in a few paragraphs, but I would like to comment on Detroit’s UFA signings before I get to that annihilation.
The following is my analysis of the team’s four acquisitions to date:
Damien Brunner. The signing of this undersized SWISS winger probably wouldn’t irk me that much if team management wasn’t trying to sell us on this 26-year old cracking the Wings top two lines.
I mean, how many skaters from the SWISS ELITE LEAGUE have made an impact in the NHL? I am waiting ….
If you really believe a potential star could be mined from the Swiss-A division, ya probably should be hanging out in the Cape Cod League with Jessica Biel looking for an elixir to the Tigers corner outfield need.
Not to mention, the acquisition of free agent Euros hasn’t exactly worked out for NHL teams lately. For example, the massively desired Fabian Brunnström’s had a complete and utter abomination of an NHL career.
The one positive about the Brunner signing is that if the kid does shows some potential, he probably won’t get traded to the Flyers for a bag of pucks like Ville Leino was, because god forbid, Holland would have had to cut Kirk Maltby.
(Not that I am still bitter about that “genius” move by Holland or anything. I am sure a majority of hockey savants would have determined in 2010 that “Malts” had more left in the tank than Leino.)
Jordin Tootoo. This might be the most perplexing signature on a piece of paper since I witnessed GROWN ADULTS asking the 40-year old virgin (Scott ‘The Gator’ Anderson) for an autograph on Opening Day at Comerica Park.
Not only did the Wings acquire the “Inuit Sean Avery,” they gave him a THREE-YEAR DEAL for nearly SIX MILLION DOLLARS!!!!!!
Three FUCKING years? Was there a bidding war for a guy who couldn’t crack the Predators lineup this postseason and who publicly cried about Barry Trotz’s roster decision to the Nashville media?
This annoying pest barely played against the Wings during Detroit’s humiliating five-game first round exit so I am not exactly sure what the organization saw in Tootoo.
Maybe he elbowed Kris Draper in the sternum on the elevator up to the JLA suites during Game 4 or some shit and our fan base isn’t privy to that kind of scouting.
Three. Years.
Why?
Mikael Samuelsson. If the swing and miss result on Parise and Suter wasn’t bad enough, this signing almost gave me an aneurysm.
Look, I never liked Samuelsson’s game when he was in Detroit. His shot had the accuracy of a two-year old boy getting potty trained during a turbulent cross-country flight.
The word “Selke” would never be used in association with Mikael’s defensive zone abilities unless a scout happened to say, “Holy piss, that Samuelsson is never going to win a fucking Selke.”
The guy is a turnover machine and I can already envision Mike Babcock throwing this forward out on the point on the power play which will lead to numerous odd-man shorthanded rushes for the opposition.
I would complain that Holland gave “Sammy” a two-year deal with a “No-Trade Clause,” but I am guessing that point is moot anyhow since nobody is going to want the right-wing when he is 37.
In fairness to Samuelsson, he did have one productive season after leaving Detroit for Vancouver a few years back although I am not sure what he has been doing since.
Hanging out with Hans-Erik Wennerström at the Clevelander Hotel on South Beach?
I know I am probably in the minority here, but gun to my head I would have rather overpaid for a younger Jiri Hudler than this decision to bring Samuelsson back to Detroit.
Unlike about 98 percent of his teammates, at least Hudler SHOWED UP for the 2012 postseason. Heck, he didn’t even accidentally concuss any of them either.
Jonas Gustavsson. Hey! I actually like this signing. The only problem being that when you believe that a team’s BEST acquisition a week after free agency commenced is a BACKUP GOALIE with a HEART CONDITION …..
So we lost Nick Lidstrom and Brad Stuart without suitable replacements, but did ya hear we signed a netminder who might go Jiri Fischer on us one night?!?!?
So, yeah, I was completely frustrated and angry with Ken Holland’s wheeling and dealing BEFORE perusing Albom’s juvenile hockey column.
I mean, the hubris of this Ewok to post an article about the NHL. How many games do you think Condescending Baggins watched this past year? I highly doubt the NHL Center Ice package is available in Haitian hotel rooms.
I’ll make a deal with ya, Wylcef Albom. If you stop penning columns on sports that you KNOW NOTHING ABOUT, I will immediately discontinue my collaboration with the Wayans Brothers on the film, “Have a Little Faith that in One More Day You Will Meet Five People In Heaven Including Morrie.”
Until then, I will have to dissect all of your inane takes in this space beginning with this atrocity. Mitch’s comments are highlighted in [50 Shades of] Grey (avert your eyes!!!!!) and my response will follow:
Hang on. Hockeytown is not dead yet. Reports of its demise have been premature and, in some cases, pretty silly. Ryan Suter, a fine player, isn’t worth this much hand-wringing. He has never won a Stanley Cup. He won’t win one on his own. His spurning Detroit doesn’t kill this franchise, any more than Tom Cruise’s spurning Nicole Kidman killed her career. Two years after they divorced, she won an Oscar.
Well, we can agree on one thing here, Condescending Baggins. Hockeytown isn’t dead. Because Detroit has NEVER been Hockeytown.
Detroit is VictoryTown. When you win, people show up. When you lose, they don’t. Simple as that.
If you don’t believe me, go check out the attendance at the Palace this past winter. I don’t recall anyone ever naming Detroit, BasketballTown, when the Pistons went on something like a six-year sellout streak in Auburn Hills.
In 1986, I probably went to about 30 Red Wings games at the JLA. On some of those evenings I could have had an entire section to myself. I also recall the “Dead Wings Era” when Mike Ilitch was giving away cars just so people would show up.
And guess what? When the Wings start losing (which will probably occur sooner rather than later after this past week), fans will stay away in droves again.
Hockeytown? If I lived in Montreal, Toronto, Vancouver, Ottawa or just about ANY city in Canada, I would want to punch someone in the nuts every time I heard Detroit referred to as such.
It would be like calling Las Vegas or Bangkok, “The Vatican,” to a Catholic.
Want to know about the diehard puck fans in Detroit, Mitch? Go check out the Nielsen ratings for the last few Stanley Cup Finals when the Wings are not involved!!!!
“Hockeytown” is nowhere to be found in the top ten markets. You want a “Hockeytown” go travel to Buffalo where more people in that city watched the Finals than in Los Angeles or the New York/New Jersey area.
Citizens of Western New York actually care about the NHL and not just their home team and the constant M*A*S*H-like finale ratings for the NHL there hammers that point home.
You probably aren’t even aware of this with all of your infrastructure concerns in Port-au-Prince, but the Devils and Kings were in the Finals. NOT. THE. SABRES.
Also, the Cup Final got the same rating in L.A. as in Minneapolis. You know, Minneapolis, the city where Suter and Parise just inked deals?
And not only was Detroit behind those cities and other hockey markets like Pittsburgh, but get this ……… MORE PEOPLE IN OKLAHOMA FUCKING CITY watched the NHL Finals than in “Hockeytown.”
Yep, that mecca of the frozen pond. OKC. And I am not sure if you heard, “Myth” Albom, but the people in Oklahoma were kind of preoccupied with their basketball team, the Thunder at the time.
Yet, they still made time to watch HOCKEY. Well, at least more of them did than in HOCKEYTOWN!!!!!!
This is a football town primarily. And even the Lions don’t sell out when they suck as we have been subjected to several blackouts over the last few seasons in Motown. And Tom Lewand and Company only have to sell about 480,000 tickets ALL SEASON LONG to avoid that ignominy.
Detroit is a football and baseball town. Always has been. Always will be. And the Wings and Pistons are left to battle it out for third place in this market.
Hockeytown? What other fairy tales do you believe in, Mitch? And no, that doesn’t mean I want you to send me your notable works or your Mateen Cleaves/Jason Richardson column.
Yes, they made Suter and Zach Parise big offers. In the end, those two friends chose to play together in Minnesota and get even bigger money: $98 million each over 13 years. So what? Had the Wings shelled out that much for these two, there would be serious screaming about them overpaying and handcuffing their future.
Ummm, NOBODY with a brain would have been screaming that the Wings spent too much money on either of those players. What are you?
Detroit just lost their #1 defenseman and their #3 blueliner. An argument can be made that the Wings #2 defenseman (behind Niklas Kronwall) currently is Ian White. A borderline player who almost got benched on a few occasions by Babcock during the second half of the season.
So yeah, nobody would have bitched if Holland signed one of the consensus top ten defenseman in the league when the team currently has more cash at their disposal than Antonio Esfandiari.
The nerve of this imbecile to write this shit with absolutely no knowledge of the situation whatsoever is mind boggling to me.
And they are no longer the Red Wings’ concern. The fact is, had Nick Lidstrom played one more year, this would not be a discussion. Had Suter signed and not Parise, this would not be a discussion. Neither happened.
It’s still not a discussion.
Wait, the Wings failed to acquire any of the top shelf FAs after the franchise itself pointed to THIS summer as being a critical crossroads and it isn’t supposed to be a discussion?
Holland didn’t spend the $5 million in his treasury during the 2011-2 season for the specific purpose of going after Suter and Parise, but when that plan goes up in smoke IT ISN’T A DISCUSSION?!?!!?
Also, considering the Wings haven’t reached a Conference Final in the last three seasons and Pavel Datsyuk and Henrik Zetterberg aren’t getting any younger, IT WAS A HUGE DEAL to land a scoring winger to complement one of them.
But none of this is a discussion. Because most teams that lose two, Top-4 defenseman in the same offseason and don’t replace them usually get magically better.
(Do I even need to mention one of the defenseman they lost is such an icon that he probably deserves immediate entrance into the Hall of Fame thus bypassing the three-year retirement requirement?)
Shouldn’t this jackass be working on a play about the life and times of Bruce Martin instead of turning out this drivel?
As for whispers that Mike Babcock might be scaring away players because of his tough reputation, Holland said, “I’ve heard that. There’s no doubt Mike pushes the players. But that’s part of why we’re successful. Mike is one of the most respected coaches in the business. I don’t believe anybody makes a decision not to come to Detroit on account of him. The fact is, in contracts this long, you may play for three or four coaches anyhow.”
Well, if Albom spent more time around the Detroit sports scene instead of writing plays, penning sappy novellas, saving the Third World and lobbying for Michigan Film incentives, he would have known the REAL issue with Babcock and Holland is the friction in THEIR relationship.
After the Wings were vanquished by SUTER’s Predators, Babcock informed everyone with a microphone in his vicinity that his team needed more talent and depth while basically throwing Holland under the proverbial Bettis.
The gold medal winning coach clearly was using the media to get a message to Holland that the first round exit wasn’t on him and that more embarrassments will occur in the future without significant upgrades.
During an interview at the NHL Draft in June, Babcock echoed those same sentiments to the TSN broadcast panel when questioned about Detroit’s disappointing season.
Hell, I am sure if you bump into the Wings head coach in Northville at Poole’s or Guernsey’s or Genitti’s Hole-In-The-Wall, he will tell you the same damn thing. It’s not like he has been shy about assessing blame upstairs.
Maybe Kenny could have Frodo give Babcock a call and the columnist can tell the fiery coach that none of this should be “a discussion.” I just hope SOMEONE records that conversation.
As impatient as the fans are about this debacle of an offseason to date, multiply that by about 1,000 and you probably have Babcock’s level of consternation.
Because, while a majority of the Detroit sports media consider Holland to be some sort of genius, I am guessing Babcock isn’t among the Kool-Aid drinkers.
Babcock is the one who has had to live with Holland’s decision to re-sign the soft Johan Franzen instead of Marian Hossa.
It is Babcock who most likely will have a less talented 2012-3 roster because Holland’s first round draft selections (Jakub Kindl, Thomas McCollum, Riley Sheahan, Landon Ferraro, etc.) haven’t progressed and they can’t even be utilized as valued currency in prospective trades for a Bobby Ryan or a Rick Nash.
And I am not going to regurgitate my position that Holland is the most overrated executive in all of sports and owes much of his success to Hakaan Andersson (a man who was the team’s European Scout seven years before Holland got the GM gig), but when will the Detroit sports media start questioning this man?
He struck out during free agency last summer. He whiffed at the trade deadline this past season. And now he has K’d during the first week of this UFA period. He is one weak pop out to second base from being the GM equivalent of Ryan Raburn.
Like, what happened to the Wings creativity and riverboat gambling days of the late 80s and early 90s? This franchise won three Stanley Cups on the backs of the Soviet players they selected during that period.
Today? Holland refuses to draft Russian players because the NHL and KHL lack a transfer agreement. Are you fucking kidding me?
The lack of a transfer agreement? Sergei Fedorov had to sneak out of his hotel room during the Goodwill Games so he could defect to the USA. The Wings created phony medical documents to get Slava Kozlov out of the USSR after his tragic automobile accident.
And Vladimir Konstantinov famously pulled a Gary Fogel and faked a cancer diagnosis just so he could play in the NHL.
A team that had so much success with Russian players now completley refuses to draft them because of a freaking transfer agreement issue and a couple of misses with prospects like Igor Grigorkeno and Maxim Kuznetsov?
How can you even compare the trials and tribulations Jimmy Devallano and Nick Polano had to endure to get those cornerstone pieces to Detroit to the current lack of a TRANSFER AGREEMENT?!??!
These fucking cowards.
Because of this organizational blueprint it has led to draft selections like McCollum over defenseman Slava Voynov in 2008. (McCollum went 30th overall. Voynov was snatched up two picks later.)
I’m sure Myth Albom is familiar with Voynov’s work. The Russian was a integral part of the Kings Stanley Cup run while McCollum spent most of 2011-2 playing for the Toledo Walleye and most likely will be participating in Beer Leagues next year.
(Yes, you read that correctly. Our 2008 first round pick couldn’t cut it in Grand Rapids and was relegated to the ECHL. I wonder if Cale Iorg and McCollum have a support group down on the Michigan/Ohio border for monumental draft busts. If not, they should.)
Ken Holland. Real. Genius.
It would now appear that Holland’s plan is to do nothing and wait out the upcoming CBA discussions and hope that the new deal includes a lower salary cap ceiling. You see, the current cap is $70.2 million, but if Donald Fehr and Gary Bettman agree on a lesser revenue sharing percentage for the players it could come down to around $65 million.
Under that scenario some big spenders who are currently close to the threshold would have to dump salary meaning there would be a whole new class of available talent on the market right before the season starts.
Yep, you read that correctly. The Detroit Red Wings best hope to improve this offseason is a sizeable concession by the NHLPA and a LOWER salary cap.
If you don’t think the era of “Hockeytown” is dead after reading the last three paragraphs then I don’t know what to fucking tell you.
I would label this article as a “Death Notice” on WordPress if I truly believed this area was populated with rabid hockey fans as opposed to a bunch of bandwagon front-runners.
Of course, I don’t resemble a Vulcan Dwarf.