By Jeff Moss
March 7, 2012
DetroitSportsRag@gmail.com
Back in August, I had the brilliant idea to host a “Tournament of 64” which would determine the best Detroit Sports Media personality with the voting to take place on Twitter and Facebook.
It was going to be the second such bracket conducted on the DSR as Bob Wojnowski took down the first tourney back in 2005 like it was some sort of high calorie pastry. So, I compiled the seedings and matchups for the 2011 edition and posted it on the DSR.
On the morning we were going to start this grand event, one of the #1 seeds, Tom ‘Killer’ Kowalski suffered a massive heart attack in the shower and tragically died at the age of 51. (It was actually Kowalski who Wojo defeated in the 2005 Final.)
As a matter of fact, my last conversation with Killer focused on my controversial decision to make the Lions beat writer for MLive.com a one seed. I still can’t believe he is gone and I really miss all of the times he used to yell at me for crossing the (his) line.
And considering some of my conduct over the last few months, he probably would have gone hoarse regarding some of my recent Twitter and Mossisms™ behavior.
Anyway, after Tom’s death, I canceled the whole damn thing and gave the title to him posthumously. It was moronic to continue the exercise, as Killer would have won in a landslide that would have been similar to a hypothetical matchup between Barack Obama and Rick Santorum in San Francisco, Ferndale and Key West.
Over the last few months I have wrestled™ (CM Punk) with the idea of drawing up a new bracket and trying to move forward without Bud Light’s favorite son involved, but my heart just wasn’t into it. Absolutely NO pun intended.
Then the other day I had an idea that incomprehensibly didn’t come to me sooner. Why the fuck would the DetroitSportsRAG crown the BEST sports media member in town anyway?
The site was created to rip these jackholes so why was I wasting my time celebrating them? Considering 95 percent of the locals SUCK ASS, why wouldn’t I just flip it 180 and let the DSR readers vote on the WORST Detroit Sports Media personality?
I mean, this is going to be way more fun and competitive and I don’t even have to feel guilty about conducting it without Kowalski.
So over the last few days I did my research and compiled the seedings. (Microsoft Word keeps telling me there is no such word as “seedings”, but fuck those geeks. I am rolling with it.) I then posted them on Twitter and Book of Face to obtain some input as to NOT totally fuck this thing up like those pretentious idiots at Grantland.com did with “The Wire” bracket.
(If McNulty is truly a THREE seed then Omar can eat some Honey Nut Cheerios out of my rectum while Wee-Bey and Stinkum gouge my eyes out and set me on fire while Jason Whitlock rubs one out in the corner. Yeah, I am a LITTLE bitter about that travesty.)
After careful consideration to everyone’s concerns and comments, I have now finalized the “DSR’s Worst Detroit Sports Media Personality Tournament of 64.” I would apologize to Stoney and Wojo for biting their bit, but they stole it from someone else on the East Coast themselves.
So here is a link to the printable bracket: http://bit.ly/zRw2xm
(Ummm, if you fucking print that and fill it out you are a much bigger tool than me for spending this much time creating the damn fictitious event.)
Now, there is bound to be some controversy over the seeding process so let me explain some of the thought process that went into the rankings among other bracket related topics:
1) The number one seeds all achieved their lofty status on merit. Michael Rosenberg for his part in acting as an investigative reporter (when he is a COLUMNIST) on the U of M practice time “scandal” when he made it abundantly clear to others that he had it out for Rich Rodriguez.
Drew Sharp for his mail-it-in columns and ESPECIALLY for his conduct when he penned an article for the Freep on a game (Justin Verlander’s no-hitter in May of 2011) he clearly did not watch.
Lynn Henning’s #1 seed was etched in cement BEFORE his recent Joel Zumaya fiasco in which he labeled the Tigers failure to sign the injury prone fireballer the team’s “biggest mistake of the offseason.” Of course, his recent insane defense of this position (which continues to this day) didn’t hurt his tournament resume either.
And Terry Foster? Well, have you ever LISTENED to him or READ one of his horrible blog/columns or FOLLOWED him on Twitter? I mean, the guy was writing about the PHONE BOOK yesterday. If we had a tournament for atrocious health style writing, he’d be a #1 seed there also. I’d call him a mental midget, but that wouldn’t be fair to retarded short people.
(Also, nobody has been that INTERESTED in the PHONE BOOK since Navin in “The Jerk.”)
As to which one of these bag of douches is the tourney’s overall number one seed? That honor goes to Sharp for his continued asinine positions and journalistic malpractice. “Weak tap between the mound and third” MY FUCKING ASS!!!!!!
2) The rankings were also based on how relevant the personality was in this market. For example, 97.1’s Kermit [Jeff] the Riger would have achieved a one seed based on what an abortion he is on the radio and in his blogs!!!!!!! (Tomas Holmstrom is a better Red Wing than Sergei Fedorov among a litany of others.)
But because he is buried on “The Ticket” and only listened to by insomniacs on the graveyard shift, he maxed out at a #3 seed. Which is quite an accomplishment for someone on the air from 2am to 6am!!!!!!!!!!!!
(If you’ve never read one of his blogs, consider yourself lucky, the moron actually uses more exclamation points than Jake Jarmel on seven Red Bulls while engaging in an email exchange over someone else wearing the same eyeglass frames as him.)
3) There was great debate over whether to include Bill McAllister and Sara Notattractivechic (she won’t give out her last name so we will just give her that Slavic one), but in the end the committee decided that because they are on a sports station they should be included. The two albatrosses to 97.1’s morning program are the only entrant paired as one and I am sure McAllister (who has an ACTUAL hot significant other) is sickened with the thought.
4) Yes, some of my personal feelings seeped through into the rankings. Of course, they did. IT IS MY FUCKING WEBSITE. HELLO?!??
A good example of this would be Matt Dery who received an 11 seed instead of the 14 or 15 he probably would have received if he had been a better FRIEND.
5) You actually have to work in this market. Which is why Sean Baligian and some guy named HUGE aren’t included.
Also, Rob Parker would have been a #1 or #2 (fitting) if he had more of a local presence. But writing a blog that only Carmen Harlan and Devin Scillian’s children read isn’t exactly my idea of Motown supremacy.
6) Some people have asked why I am not part of this tournament. Sorry, a guy with a website that warns people of potential viruses (don’t worry there aren’t any) and who co-hosts a show on the Internet with Damon Perry isn’t considered a member of the media.
Also, Rob Otto didn’t hire Dog in time to be a part of this fun either. I guess Otto COULD have been a participant in this, but then again, I might want him to hire me at ESPN1090/1160. Like I said, I make the rules and I never said I wasn’t a hypocrite.
7) Frodo Albom Condescending Baggins also would have received a much higher seed if he hadn’t taken up residency in Wyclef Jean’s mansion in Haiti and relegated himself to six sports columns a year. Although the one about Brady Hoke and BEEF almost got him a #1 seed anyway.
8) There are some play-in games so there are technically more than 64 personalities involved. We will get started with these games today and then the bracket will be finalized.
9) Voting will take place on Twitter and Facebook. I will post the matchup and then you will vote to decide who marches on. You can also email me your selections at DetroitSportsRag@gmail.com if you are Amish and refuse to join the two predominant social media platforms.
10) Yes, the winner will get some sort of trophy with their name on it. I have some ideas about the “ceremony”, but that information will have to remain TOP SECRET for the moment. You’ll laugh. Hahahaahahaha.
I mean, could you imagine me walking into Rob Parker’s barbershop in Detroit and handing him a six-foot trophy for being the WORST media personality in town?
I think I just soiled myself.
11) I have no idea how long this is going to take. We will have a few matchups a day and see how it goes.
12) If someone in this bracket passes away on Wednesday, I am NEVER doing anything like this EVER again. Well, depending on who croaks.
13) There will be NO stuffing of the ballots. I am talking to you Geezer (Jim Parr) even though I wouldn’t mind McAllister winning this whole thing either.
14) The regions are named after some past Detroit media members who probably would have won one of these things if I had been bright enough to think of such an obvious idea before last week.
15) A lot of people are pissed off with Mike Valenti getting a #16 seed. Many of these critics have the Block M or an ACTUAL wolverine stalking a Walmart as their avatar on Twitter. Look, I think he is pretty good. I was wrong about him way back in the day. And most importantly… the guy has to be locked in a room with TERRY FOSTER for 20 hours a week. Fucking guy should get hazard pay.
If there is anyone who has my miserable sensibility in the Detroit Media it is probably him. Poor guy.
But, if you want to vote for him as the worst personality in town that is your right. I would have said it is your god given right, but I am not a child who believes in fairy tales.
There will be no vetoes utilized by the DSR Staff (read me) so the vote is the vote.
16) If you aren’t familiar with all of the competitors in this battle, don’t you fret. I don’t feel any pain. A little fall of rain…
Oh shit, sorry, I am watching Les Mis while I write this and got a little carried away.
Anyway, I will provide helpful bios on the combatants when posting a “game.” I am sure they will be as fair and balanced as Sean Hannity.
17) Probably the most impressive seeding in the whole damn tournament belongs to the new program director at WDFN, Eric ‘Dance All Night’ Chase.
The guy actually EARNED a THREE seed in just a few weeks on the job. The guy is a fucking prodigy. I honestly believe if I would have held this tournament off until May, he not only would have been a #1 seed, he would have been the equivalent of UNLV in 1990.
Larry Johnson = Not Knowing how to Pronounce Jonas Jerebko
Stacey Augmon = His Transformers Office Video on YouTube
Greg Anthony = Hiring some NOBODY named John Kreger to co-host the afternoon show with him
Don’t sleep on this guy in this tournament. Even with his lack of experience he has Fab Five like potential. Well, not that you would be able to ACTUALLY sleep with him playing LMFAO on full blast while doing “The Dougie.”
That is about it for now. If you have any feedback on the bracket before we commence the festivities, let me know.
My only request when voting on the Twat Box is to “mention” the person you are voting for when making your selection.
That way the dillholes will know each time you are labeling them the WORST Detroit Sports Media personality around.
Otherwise, let’s have some fun and maybe when this is over we can get a local band with nothing to do because there isn’t an “April in the D” contest this year to serenade the “winner” with “One Shining Moment.”
Some days I love this website.