By Jeff Moss
July 6, 2012
DetroitSportsRag@gmail.com
On Thursday, the Detroit Tigers hosted the Minnesota Twins in the finale of a four-game set at Comerica Park.
The Tigers defeated the cellar-dwelling Twinkies in come-from-behind™ (Anderson Cooper) fashion, 7-3.
Of course, the Bengals couldn’t have done it without the contributions of their offensive juggernaut, Ryan Raburn.
You know, the same Ryan Raburn who went 0-for-3 Thursday afternoon and finished the Twins series a whopping 1-for-14.
Obviously, there are certain offensive metrics that we aren’t aware of as Tigers manager, Jim Leyland, said the following about Raburn’s offensive performance after Thursday’s tilt:
“He hit another one — and this is a big park in the middle out there, but that was a bomb, to be honest with you, just didn’t quite make it — so he had a pretty good day.”
He had a “pretty good day.” A. Pretty. Good. Day. This LOSER went OH for THREE and lowered his OBP to .227 and his OPS to .477. Historically anemic numbers.
If 0-for-3 is a pretty good day, what would Leyland do if Raburn hit for the cycle? Cum in his tighty whities?
Cancer Stick has set the bar so freaking low with Raburn that o-for-3 with a long fly ball that advanced a runner to third base is considered a “pretty good day.”
After placing a smiley face on Raburn’s forehead, Leyland than took a question from the eunuch Tigers beat writers regarding the outrage on Twitter over Raburn’s continued employment.
His response?
“I don’t look at Twitter.”
“I made a statement and made it perfectly clear: In order for us to do what we need to do, Ryan Raburn — not alone, Peralta and Young, too — must help us against left-handed pitching more.
“That’s what I said, and you can put that on Twitter, you can put that on eBay, you can do whatever the heck you want with it.”
Yes, you can place those quotes on that notable social media platform, eBay. Instead of further questioning this relic about Emaciated Grossness’ asinine decision to bat a guy with a .227 OBP in front of MIGUEL CABRERA, they all just laughed that the old man doesn’t know that eBay is actually an online commerce site and not for social media.
Yep, there goes our crazy, old, out-of-touch grandpa ranting about technology. Maybe we can get William Shatner to play Leyland in CBS’s TV adaptation of “Shit my Out-of-Touch Fossil of a Manager Says.”
Anyway, DSR contributor, Jim Petrosky, decided to take Leyland up on his suggestion.
Yep, he placed Ryan Raburn on eBay. Not a Ryan Raburn baseball card. Or a Ryan Raburn jersey.
Nope. The actual Ryan Raburn.
And bidding was heating up on eBay for the hillbilly scrub with the last bid coming in at $1.25.
Unfortunately, Abraham Lincoln outlawed treating human beings like chattel in 1863 and eBay abides by that proclamation so the website pulled the “Ryan Raburn Auction” off their server earlier this evening.
(Of course, there is always a chance that slavery will return to the US. Especially if retards like Ted Nugent have their way.)
Oh well. Maybe after “Little Jimmy Jackson” goes 0-for-4 tonight, Cancer Stick can go on another rant and this time suggest someone placing Raburn on J-Date.
Fuck, I’d love to see THAT ad.