By Jeff Moss
August 29, 2012
DetroitSportsRag@gmail.com
I have been advised by my editors (lie) that College Football has once again returned to the consciousness of our great nation and that Michigan and Michigan State both commence their seasons this weekend.
Based on the above information, I felt somewhat compelled to write an article about our collegiate pigskin squads.
Unfortunately, I really don’t know jackshit about either the Wolverines or the Spartans 2012 squads other than what I hear from other more reliable sources so I have less than zero to add to this conversation.
But, unlike the douche bags blabbering on sports talk radio in this town on a daily basis, I don’t attempt to position myself as an expert when I am not well-versed on a subject.
(I also wasn’t about to take the 97.1 approach and spend the entire week discussing whether or not Fitzgerald Toussaint should be suspended or not. Mainly, because I am not sure if Toussaint is a running back or a French pastry.)
Hell, I believe this is only my SECOND college sports related article in the history of the DSR. And the subject of the other column was Michael Rosenberg’s personal vendetta against Rich Rodriguez.
Which means, I now have written two columns more about college football than Bill Simmons.
You see, I attended Eastern Michigan University and our football program has been an abomination for so long that I am not even sure they have ever been good. If I didn’t know better, I would guess that William Clay Ford, Sr. is a member of the Board of Trustees at EMU because the only football team worse than the Lions are the Hurons or Emus or Eagles or whatever the fuck their politically correct name is at this point.
And since I was already stuck with Detroit’s abysmal football franchise, I wasn’t about to double down on the misery when I traveled to Ypsilanti to begin my “studies.”
(“Studies” basically meant going to Briarwood Mall to buy the latest Sega Genesis game at Electronics Boutique, traveling to Ann Arbor to hang out at Tower Records or heading to Livonia to bet on horses at Ladbroke DRC.)
In the four** years that I went to Eastern, I never once entered the football stadium. Hell, I am not even sure what the place is freaking called. I think it was named Ned Ryerson Stadium, but I am too lazy to even look that up.
The closest I came to the actual football team was when I would occasionally bump into the team’s running back, Ed Nwagbaraocha, who lived down the hall from me in the Phelps-Sellers dorm. And the only reason I even remember him was his badass last name and the fact that he allegedly had more blonde chicks freshman year than Hugh Hefner has bedded in his lifetime.
Because of my experience at EMU, I have always been a casual observer of collegiate sports. When I was growing up in the suburbs of Detroit I naturally gravitated towards the Wolverines because they used to win a lot and the Southeastern Michigan media loved them some Bo Schembechler.
So, Michigan has been my default college football and basketball favorite since I was a young child. Before I went to college I would even take the U of M losses somewhat seriously.
I remember attending a game in the mid eighties at Michigan Stadium during the late fall when the Wolverines were the #1 or #2 ranked team in the country and suffered a monumental upset at the hands of Rickey Foggie.
I also recall a crushing defeat in the ’87 Rose Bowl at the hands of the Arizona State Sun Devils and a redemptive victory two years later in Pasadena against USC.
The year after that victory against the Trojans I graduated high school and I have never felt the same passion for U of M sports.
Maybe, subconsciously I realized that fucking around in high school, not studying ever, failing to turn in reports on time and generally not applying myself to school resulted in me not getting into Michigan or Michigan State.
And that becoming a diehard, lunatic fringe fan of either program would have been somewhat depressing and EMBARRASSING since I had the intelligence to get into U of M, but nowhere near the effort.
(Or maybe, I just care about betting on horses on Saturday more than devoting myself to college football. Actually, forget that, it doesn’t help my narrative.)
Which leads me to today’s subject. A group of derelicts with no equal. Probably the least introspective group of subhumans that I have ever had the misfortune to encounter …
Walmart Wolverines.
Now, before every single Michigan fan that didn’t attend U of M’s Ann Arbor, Flint or Dearborn campus start plastering messages all over social media platforms lambasting me, I am not necessarily talking about you.
I have no issue with a directional State of Michigan college attendee or community college grad rooting for Michigan. As long as it is done in MODERATION.
No, I am talking about these jackholes who dedicate their ENTIRE existence to Michigan Football even though they couldn’t have gotten into the school if they were direct descendants of Fielding Yost and were married to Gerald Ford’s granddaughter.
These freaks don’t understand moderation anymore than Dudley Moore did in “Arthur.”
Look, I never gave too much thought to these mouth breathers in the past. I laughed at their car flags and watched in utter bewilderment as they would mock MSU grads for attending a university with lesser academic standards than Ann Arbor ….. even though they went to Wayne County Community College.
But, I never really had much interaction with these delusional nut bags. Other than listening to people like Mike Valenti go off on these inbred fans, I didn’t know too much about them.
Then I joined Twitter. Now, keep in mind, I am a de facto Wolverines fan so I probably should have stayed off the radar of these unbalanced messes of human flesh.
But, I haven’t. Now, everyone knows that my Twitter account isn’t for everybody. I am vitriolic. I make ad hominem personal attacks. I have strong opinions about Detroit sports topics and I don’t care what ANYONE thinks of me.
You are also supposed to refrain from discussing politics and religion. I do both in an in-your-face manner.
So, most normal people who subscribe to my Twitter feed and are offended by my takes or style, just hit the “UNFOLLOW” button and begin to pray for me.
Not Walmarts, though.
They like to keep it REAL. Real dumb™ (Chris Rock.) They engage me on the Twat Box with insulting messages and their asinine opinions.
How do I know they are ‘Marts? Well, for one, they NEVER use “you’re” and “your” properly. That’s YOUR first clue.
Second, their Twitter page is littered with Wolverine wallpaper and their avatar is usually a 300-pound slob wearing a Denard Robinson jersey.
If you delve a little deeper, you will find that they are usually members of the Tea Party who stalk adolescent athletes via social media in an attempt to convince them to do something they never did ….
Attend the University of Michigan.
Honestly, I am not sure why Wes Craven hasn’t optioned a film about these people yet. Are you telling me a Zombie Walmart Wolverine flick wouldn’t do at least $50 million domestically?
Fuck, it might do that type of box office at the AMC Theaters Meridian Mall 6 ALONE.
Seriously, are you telling me that you wouldn’t pay $10 and get a babysitter to see a movie starring Jonah Hill playing THIS dude?
It is bad enough living in this state and not really caring a ton about the Michigan/Michigan State rivalry which is discussed to the point of nausea.
But, at least, a majority of the combatants who ACTUALLY attended those fine institutions can have a civilized discussion regarding their current football and basketball programs.
These Walmarts are like the Al-Qaeda insurgents who started crossing the Iraqi border to fight American troops. I mean, it was bad enough engaging with Saddam Hussein loyalists who were actually from IRAQ, but the tipping point was when these assholes Osama bin Laden sent to the warzone from Afghanistan, Pakistan and other countries started fighting.
And yes, I just compared Walmart Wolverines to Al-Qaeda. I apologize to the jihadists in advance.
(And yes, I am aware there is a SMALL contingent of Spartan diehards who never attended MSU as well. I am pretty sure my DAD is among this group. But I am not about to write a 1,500 word column about African-Americans, homosexuals and women who want control of their uteruses who plan on voting for Mitt Romney so Save-a-Lot Spartans aren’t getting their own write-up either.)
I am sure some of these fixated jerkoffs are saying to themselves that I am just as obsessed about Detroit sports teams as they are about the Wolverines.
Well, guess what? I am from Detroit. I was born at Sinai Hospital. I have lived here my WHOLE LIFE. And if I studied harder in high school or earned a scholarship, it wouldn’t have gotten me into the University of New York Yankees or Toronto Maple Leafs U.
College and pro athletics are two completely different animals and if you can’t see the difference, well, then, you probably are a Kalamazoo College grad who is counting down the minutes to the Michigan/Alabama game at your trailer park while poking a Tom Izzo voodoo doll with pins and needles.
And that mad stampede you can hear off in the distance is Walmart Wolverine Nation taking their complaints about this column to their patron saint, Gregg Henson.
Yep, the King of All ‘Marts is the former Program Director at WDFN and WXYT.
Fortunately, for 3-G, he will have PLENTY of time to field your complaints since he just got fired for about the 47th time since he left the Detroit market.
This time his tenure at WOWO in Fort Wayne was such a colossal failure that not only was Henson fired, but the damage Baldo did to the historic station’s brand was so severe that the man who HIRED him was purged as well.
But, don’t fret Gregg. I am sure a gig in Billings, Montana or Santa Fe, New Mexico will be forthcoming along with an apartment decorated in Maize and Blue.
Even though you went to Wayne State.
And with that, the DSR’s College Football Preview comes to a close
What is the over/under on seconds before this article is posted on the Red Cedar Message Board?
I will go with 87.