Detroit Sports 2013 Year in Review — Drink Battery Acid Edition

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Detroit

By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
December 19, 2013

I used to think that sports were supposed to be a diversion from everyday life. Go to work, get shit on all day and then come home and, for at least three hours on most nights, you could immerse yourself in the Detroit sports teams and ignore the outside world.

Well, in 2013, the Detroit sports teams stopped being a distracting form of entertainment and, instead, morphed into some Coen Brothers-esque parable about the fortunes of this area.

In a city that experienced the largest municipal bankruptcy in the history of mankind and that saw its former mayor get sentenced to 28 years in a Federal, Pound-Me-In-The-Ass prison for fleecing said city, the sports teams in Motown did little to distract us from our misery, and piled even more on in the process.

Where do I even begin with Les Miserables 2: Detroit Sports Bugaloo? I guess with the Red Wings, since this is Hockeytown and all.

(You can stop laughing now.)

The 2012-13 season didn’t even begin until January of this year due to the lockout of the players that reduced the season from 82 games to 48. And the Wings needed every single one of those 48 contests to qualify for the postseason, as their playoff berth wasn’t clinched until the last day of the season.

But the team’s regular-season struggles soon evaporated once the Stanley Cup playoffs commenced, as Detroit shockingly upset the Ducks in a seven-game, first-round series.

The Wings advanced to play the Blackhawks and, amazingly, took a 3-1 series lead against an historically-great Chicago squad. In what would become a harbinger of things to come in Detroit, the Wings ended up blowing that lead and were eventually eliminated in OVERTIME of Game 7.

Yep, the Wings wasted a 3-1 series lead, took a one-goal Game 6 lead into the third period at Joe Louis Arena and pushed the eventual Stanley Cup champions to OVERTIME of a deciding game.

An opponent that not only went on to raise the Cup, but played exactly HALF the season without losing a game in regulation!!!!! The 2013 Red Wings pushed THAT organization to the brink of elimination.

Can you imagine what the 2013 Red Wings could have accomplished if Ken Holland had spent the offseason IMPROVING his roster instead of adding Mikael Samuelsson, Jordin Tootoo, Damien Brunner, Carlo Colaiacovo and Jonas Gustavsson?

Let’s take an in-depth look at some of those acquisitions for a moment.

Since Holland signed Tootoo to a three-year deal for nearly SIX MILLION DOLLARS, the pugilist has tallied a grand total of eight points in 50 games. He was placed on waivers recently and, of course, nobody wanted him™ (Don Kelly/Danny Worth).

Instead of re-signing Jiri Hudler, Holland inked Mikael Samuelsson to a two-year contract. In 25 games since that horrific signing, Samuelsson has a grand total of FOUR points. Last night, the Red Wings had SEVEN injured forwards and Samuelsson STILL couldn’t crack the team’s lineup.

Even Teletubby got the nod over this carcass.

Carlo Colaiacovo? Holland signed him for two years and $5 million. Colaiacovo played in six games with Detroit, chipped in one assist and then was amnestied as part of the new Collective Bargaining Agreement this summer!!!!!

Brunner was fairly decent for the Wings in 2013, but Holland decided not to bring him back this season. He currently has eight goals for the New Jersey Devils which isn’t much, but it would make him the fourth-highest goal scorer in Detroit.

With absolutely ZERO assistance from their General Manager, the Wings (read: Pavel Datsyuk and Henrik Zetterberg) were still 20 minutes away from knocking off the eventual Cup champs in Game 6.

Amazingly, in comparison to the other train wrecks, the Red Wings were the city’s “feel-good playoff story.”

If we are going to go in chronological order of travesties, I guess we should next discuss the 2013 Tigers.

We can pretty much skip the first 168 games of the season, since any chance at a World Series was lost in Game 2 of the ALCS in Boston. The necropsy of the Tigers begins and ends with that game.

With a 1-0 lead in the series and a commanding 5-1 lead in the bottom of the eighth inning of Game 2, the Tigers were six outs from taking an almost-insurmountable lead back to Comerica Park.

Of course, Jim Leyland decided to protect that four-run lead as if it were one run and became the first manager in postseason history to watch his team give up a grand slam ….. with an earned run being charged to FOUR different pitchers.

David Ortiz’s home run (that almost killed Torii Hunter in the process) ended the Tigers season and cost the franchise ANOTHER chance at an elusive World Series ring. Yeah, yeah, the series didn’t end until Game 6, with Leyland repeating same mistake when Shane Victorino hit another salami — this time, off of Jose Veras — but make no mistake about it …..

The Tigers 2013 season ended when Leyland “forgot” to tell Joaquin Benoit not to let Ortiz beat him.

Of course, the origins of that debacle can be traced back months, when Dave Dombrowski made the awful decision to enter the 2013 season with Bruce Rondon penciled in as the closer; signed Jose Valverde out of utter desperation; and then refused in August to add a couple of bullpen arms as insurance when it was clear that his team was shaky in middle relief.

Yep, the Tigers 2013 Achilles’ Heel was quality seventh-inning relief. One of the least expensive commodities in all of baseball. Only the Death Star had a more ridiculously-fixable fatal flaw.

And I am not sure what is most aggravating about the 2013 season. The fact that the Tigers wasted the best postseason starting pitching performance in the history of the game, or that the most talented team we’ve had during this era was torn apart when the season ended.

Let’s just call it a tie. The Tigers became the second Detroit team in 2013 to blow a series lead against the eventual World Champion. Fortunately, the Lions have most likely saved us from that trifecta of indignity with their play over the last few weeks.

This city’s downtrodden and pathetic football team hasn’t won a division title in 20 years and there was no expectation of that changing entering this year. The team was coming off a 4-12 season and, instead of firing their incompetent and borderline-psychotic head coach, they brought Jim Schwartz back.

[We Interrupt This Article With Even More Depressing News:

According to a report by Ed Werder on ESPN‘s Sportscenter on Wednesday, Schwartz came perilously close to getting the Ziggy Ansah after last season. Werder stated that Martin Mayhew and/or Tom Lewand wanted Schwartz canned after the humiliating on- and off-field results of the 2012 season. Werder went on to say that Bill Ford, Jr. nixed the firing after reviewing Schwartz’s buyout.

So, for any of you still holding out hope that the Lions will operate any differently under a Junior ownership than it has under the half-century-long “stewardship” of the Old Man, you’re kidding yourselves.

Schwartz could have been gone — for what probably is the Ford equivalent cost of a piece of Bazooka bubblegum to you and me — and under a new regime, 2013 probably wouldn’t have been another wasted year of Calvin Johnson’s prime.

We now return you to your regularly-scheduled Jeff Moss article. Don’t worry, Kathy Bates will appear momentarily with the wood block and sledgehammer.]

Of course, expectations changed when the Lions won six of their first nine games and the team was the beneficiary of injuries to both Jay Cutler and Aaron Rodgers. The rest of the NFC North was basically handing the division to the Lions, yet the franchise couldn’t slam the door and win its first division title since 1993.

As putrid as the Lions have been during the Senior Years, the 2013 season should have been like Halley’s Comet. Everything fell into their laps. A fairly easy schedule. Charles Tillman went down for the Bears. The Packers infirmary resembled Downton Abbey at the beginning of Season 2.

I mean, the Lions shouldn’t have just won the NFC North in a freaking cakewalk, they should have been in contention for a first-round bye!!!!!

And yet, here we are. Sitting at 7-7 and needing help from others to make the postseason.

Do you want to know how bad things are in Allen Park? On Wednesday, the team’s Propagandist in Chief (Tim “The Size Of” Twentyman) sent out this Tweet:

Wait, what?!!?!!?!? A lot of people would agree that Jim Schwartz needs to go? Hey Shill, did you forget for a moment that you are paid by the Ford Family to write shiny-happy articles about this franchise?

You know things are bad for you when your PUBLICIST is off the bandwagon. I mean, could you imagine Joseph Goebbels leaking to the Völkischer Beobachter in the spring of 1945 that it might be time for a new Führer?????

@JosephGoebbels: A lot of people would agree//RT @MeinKampfLover1928: I’m sorry but Hitler needs to go. Gave him too many chances. What was he thinking invading RUSSIA during the WINTER?

I am not going to lie to you …. it’s been a rough year.

Like, could you imagine your reaction if I told you in January that the bright spot in the Detroit sports scene in 2013 would be the PISTONS?

And yes, they have had their foibles as well. From passing on Trey Burke in the NBA Draft to their absentee owner trying to prove he actually cares about them by rushing the court after a game-winning three-pointer by Josh Smith against Minnesota …….. IN THE PRESEASON!!!!!

But the Pistons are a fascinating team to watch even though they are technically still under .500 as I type this article. They’ve been maddening and entertaining all at the same time. How can you explain a team that can beat the Miami Heat in South Beach or the Pacers in Indy one night, and then can just as easily get blown out by the T-Wolves or get crushed by the Kobe-Less Lakers or the Rose-less Bulls the next?

So the question at this point is, will 2014 be any better? I guess, barring an aeronautical disaster, how can it not be?

The Tigers still have the triumvirate of Justin Verlander, Max Scherzer and Miguel Cabrera. Not to mention the best Detroit sports-related event to occur in 2013 — the sudden retirement of Leyland.

And maybe Bruce Rondon will stay healthy and vastly improve the team’s bullpen.

Maybe Al Alburquerque will put it all together this season like some relief pitchers with his stuff can do.

Maybe Jose Iglesias will hit like he did in 2013 and not like he did in the minor leagues.

Maybe Andy Dirks really had a knee injury this past season and he will return to his 2012 numbers. Maybe the platoon of Dirks and Rajai Davis will solve the mystery in LF.

Maybe Nick Castellanos will develop into the next Evan Longoria like his hype man Lynn “Flava Flav” Henning keeps suggesting.

Maybe Alex Avila will be the Alex Avila we saw over the last few months of the season and not the corpse he was in 2012 and pre-All Star break 2013.

Maybe Drew Smyly will seamlessly replace Doug Fister in the starting rotation.

Maybe the Old Testament is correct and God really is Jewish and he will like the additions of Brad Ausmus and Ian Kinsler.

Of course, that’s more maybes than Episode 12 of Season 4 of Arrested Development.

“Marry me?”

At the very least, having an intelligent manager who believes in advanced metrics and doesn’t dispose of sabermetric-related materials with his post-game chicken salad dinner should be a positive.

The Red Wings will most likely be healthy by the first of the year and the return of Henrik Zetterberg and Danny DeKeyser from injuries, coupled with Gustav Nyquist, Tomas Tatar and hopefully, Tomas Jurco staying in Detroit, should provide the team with enough talent to make the postseason in the horrible Eastern Conference.

A healthy Wings team in the East could be dangerous, as there is no logical reason that they can’t be as good as the team that took the Hawks to the limit last season.

The Lions are the Lions and I am not about to give you much false hope, but at the very least, they should have a new head coach when the 2014 season commences. And a new head coach means that Scott Linehan and Gunther Cunningham will be displaced as well.

And if Mayhew truly wanted Schwartz out after the 2012 season, maybe there is hope for the GM who has assembled plenty of talent in Motown since he replaced Matt Millen.

I know the dude has missed badly with some of his second-round picks, but when have the Lions EVER drafted studs like Larry Warford and DeAndre Levy in the third round? I will tell you. NEVER.

Hopefully, Custom Tailored Pants’ replacement will not be a retread and, maybe, will be someone along the lines of a David Shaw or a Gus Malzahn.

Which leaves us with the Pistons. Without any trade deadline assistance at all, this team should lock up the #3 seed in the East. When “Method Man” is playing in the post, Andre Drummond is staying out of foul trouble and Greg Monroe is unathletically doing whatever he is paid to do, the Pistons have the most formidable front court in the game.

And while Kenatavius Caldwell-Pope is no Trey Burke, he is a damn good defender who might develop into an Arron Afflalo-like shooting guard. Hopefully, Joe Dumars won’t trade this one for 30 cents on the dollar™ (Keith Law/Dave Dombrowski) like he did with the UCLA product.

And who knows? Maybe, just maybe, Dumars will pull a Rasheed Wallace-esque rabbit out of his hat and ship Charlie Villanueva’s expiring contract for additional help come February.

As we saw over the summer, the Heat aren’t exactly world beaters and the Pacers are still a young team.

Yes, 2013 was an unmitigated disaster on just about every non-nicotine-and-urine-stained-underpants level. But we are just 11 days from turning the page on that abortion and I am holding out hope for a better future.

And as that great poet Florence Welch once said ……

“It’s always darkest before the dawn.”