By Jeff Moss
November 2, 2011
DetroitSportsRag@gmail.com
So last week I was talking to my sister on the telephone and I asked her what my five year old nephew was going to be for Halloween.
I was a little surprised when she informed me that he would be wearing a Boba Fett costume when Trick or Treating.
I didn’t know that Drew even knew who the Intergalactic Bounty Hunter that tracked Han Solo to the Cloud City of Bespin ™ (Dave Foley – Newsradio) was since he is more obsessed with Thomas the Train Engine and Lightning McQueen than George Lucas’s universe.
Even though he rebuffed every attempt I had made on previous occasions to get him to watch the original trilogy on DVD, he somehow decided that he wanted to go as Boba Fett.
So being the absolute lunatic that I am, I went nuts on my sister. I asked her what kind of mother would allow her son to dress up as a Star Wars character without EVER SEEING ANY OF THE STAR WARS MOVIES. The whole thing was a damn travesty.
So in an effort to shut me up, my nephew was forced to watch a screening of “Empire Strikes Back” on Friday night.
The only problem with this wonderful plan was that by viewing the greatest movie ever made, Drew discovered that Boba Fett was a BAD GUY.
He had no clue that the outfit and helmet that my sister had ALREADY bought for him was that of a mercenary who was in cahoots with Darth Vader.
So predictably, he didn’t want to go as Boba Fett any longer and promptly asked for a Luke Skywalker costume.
Of course, this ended up being all my fault SOMEHOW. So I had to talk the kid off the ledge and explain that it is way more cool being the villain than playing the face.
And this might explain a little something about my warped personality, but I always grew up rooting for the heel. I was probably the only eight year old kid who actually wanted to see the Cylons destroy Apollo and Starbuck.
My favorite character on the “Dukes of Hazzard” was Boss Hog, for Christ’s sake. I didn’t grow up wanting to drive the General Lee, I wanted to own the damn Boar’s Nest.
And when I became a huge wrestling fan, I never liked Hulk Hogan. Hey, ya over tanned, roided out freak of nature, get off your pulpit because I don’t want to say my god damn prayers or take my fucking vitamins.
Nope, my favorite wrestler was Randy Savage. A maniacal wackjob who treated Miss Elizabeth so poorly that Brandon Marshall and Michael Lohan would be appalled at his boorish behavior.
The reason I am telling you this story is because I feel it is quite timely based on the current debate regarding the Detroit Lions disposition.
A lot has been made of NFL.com framing last Sunday’s game between Detroit and Denver as “Good vs. Evil.”
The Broncos being “good” because they are quarterbacked by a guy who believes women shouldn’t have the right to choose an abortion and gays shouldn’t be allowed to get married.
With the Lions playing the heavy because their star defensive tackle shows blatant disregard for the health of the opposing signal caller and their head coach tried to kill Jim Harbaugh a couple of weeks ago.
Look, there is nothing I’d enjoy more than the Detroit Lions organization embracing this narrative that they are some sort of gridiron version of the 1988-1990 Pistons.
Unfortunately, the team can’t fully commit to the idea of being the Honolulu Blue and Silver version of Tony Montana.
For example, Jim Schwartz has been a total asshole this season. He has gotten in the face of Dez Bryant in Dallas, he has screamed at Harbaugh to learn the rules of the NFL after the 49ers coach tried to challenge a play that wasn’t challengeable before attempting to assault the guy at the end of the game.
The Lions head coach has exhibited cocky behavior all season and has never met a camera his massive ego didn’t like. So surely, this big-swinging dick is completely down for playing the Reggie Dunlop role, right?
Not exactly.
Instead of embracing the black hat, Schwartz thought it was “inappropriate” for the league to characterize his team in such a derogatory manner. Come on Schwartz, channel your inner Chuck Daly and embrace the hate.
Then you had the case of linebacker Stephen Tulloch who mocked Tim Tebow’s prayer pose after sacking the Born-Again Fullback Impersonating a Quarterback on Sunday afternoon.
But instead of fully embracing the hilarious ridiculing of “Tebowing”, Tulloch told the media that he didn’t mean to disrespect the former missionary who allegedly has never assumed that position. Tulloch went on to say that he ACTUALLY gave the kid a pep talk after the game.
I don’t recall Rick Mahorn telling Scottie Pippen to keep his head up after a trashing of the Bulls so this half-ass shit isn’t going to cut it. Or providing him with Extra-Strength Tylenol for a migraine for that matter.
And the most wicked member of the team, Ndamukong Suh, who never seems to apologize for anything (including shit he probably shouldn’t be doing that could hurt the team on the field) decided to go and visit Roger Goodell yesterday to get a clarification on why he keeps getting fined.
HEY, do you remember when Bill Laimbeer requested a hearing with David Stern to get a better clarification on why elbowing Robert Parish in the cranium repeatedly wasn’t acceptable?
Yeah, me neither.
To quote Jimmy Darmody on “Boardwalk Empire” last season, “You can’t be half a gangster. Not anymore.” And that is what it appears Schwartz, Suh and company are trying to do.
You see, I loved everything about the Bad Boys era and I desperately want the Lions to replicate that “Us Against the World” mentality. There is something very communal about the entire country despising your team and it would be a great change of pace for the Lions.
Not only has this team been Total Puke Garbage the last few years, they absolutely have had no edge to them whatsoever.
When Jon Kitna was the leader in that locker room, the Lions were more a Bible Study group than a football team. The guy was more preacher than quarterback as he somehow convinced about 20 fellow players to become Born-Again.
Back when Cross Kitna was the QB, a third of the team would attend a prayer group meeting on Friday and then a full-fledged Bible class at Kitna’s home on Monday night. (Kitna was on record as saying he bought a larger house in the Detroit area to accommodate all of his Jesus Freak teammates.)
And as annoying as the Tebow religious talk can be, Kitna’s behavior made the Florida Heisman Trophy winner look like a cross between Marilyn Manson and Bill Maher.
Things got so bad in the Lions locker room back when Kitna was leading his disciples that there was a clear divide in the locker room between the overtly religious and the guys who were just there to play football (led by Dominic Raiola.)
At one point the tensions ran so high that there was almost a fight over the Christian rock music blaring in the locker room.
So not only did it suck being a fan of an organization that was historically awful on the field, but it was annoying as hell to hear that our professional football team was the NFL’s version of Oral Roberts.
So excuse me if I am happy that things have come full circle and I appreciate the fact that the team is earning this heathen label.
They just need to wrap their arms around this shit and double down on the nastiness.
I want Matthew Stafford Tweeting out pictures of a different whore he is fucking every single night.
I want to see more Tony Scheffler choreographed touchdown dances mocking the opposition.
I want to see Suh, KVB, Fairley, Williams and Avril beating the shit out of the other team’s quarterbacks on a weekly basis.
I want black and white Lions shirts that say “Hammer Time.”
I want Isiah Thomas on the huge HD video screen prior to player introductions leading the Ford Field crowd in the “Bad ….. Boys …. Baaaaad ……. Boyyyyyyyzzzzz” serenade.
And to bring this column full circle, it is time to succumb to the Dark Side and give the NFL’s PR people the angle that they want.
It is our destiny.