By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
February 16, 2014

Do you know how large companies will sometimes send new hires to an out-of-state training program in an effort to indoctrinate them?

For example, I believe State Farm sends their new adjusters to some Colorado locale to instruct them on how to properly wear red shirts, khaki pants and learn various ways to fuck those they insure when they have a personal property loss by depreciating the shit out of their customer’s contents.

The Detroit Free Press must have a similar program for new sports writers where they send a fresh hire to the Catskills to learn comedy that only elderly shut-ins could enjoy.

How else can you explain the following preamble from a column in Saturday’s sports section?….

When the Detroit Tigers took the field for their first official workout Friday, all I could think was, How dare they? Why didn’t they wait for me?

For that matter, why didn’t they wait for you? So selfish. It’s cold up here. And you deserve sunshine, too.

I guess we’ll have to enjoy it vicariously.

That’s OK, we’ve got more important things to discuss, like, will Brad Ausmus eat and smoke at the same time? And … will he grow a mustache?

Thankfully, Ausmus told the Free Press on Friday morning that he plans on remaining whisker-free. This is good news, because whiskers are scratchy, and we don’t need more comparisons anyway.

I mean, who thinks that that crap is either creative or humorous? Let’s guess who wrote this drivel.

A logical guess would be Jeff Seidel. Nope, he is in Sochi authoring similar horrible jokes in his Winter Olympic columns.

Did Michael Rosenberg make a return to the paper for a limited engagement? Negatory, Robert Horry. RosenNebbish is still penning his Bruce Villanche-esque pieces for Sports Illustrated.

And while you would be justified in believing it could have been either of those two Jewish columnists — who, on a daily basis, disprove the axiom that all Yiddish men are funny — based on the style and atrocious humor, it was neither of them.

Instead, it was Shawn Windsor (the 2013 winner of the Jared from Subway lookalike contest) who published this trash over the weekend.

But it wasn’t just Goysha Michael Rosenberg’s Shecky Greene-like comedy routine that grabbed the DSR Elite’s attention and compelled me to publish this rebuttal. Nope, it was THIS fucking moronic quote that followed his terrible attempt at humor ….

The second readjusted the pitching, at least to a degree, as (Dave) Dombrowski flipped Doug Fister for a bullpen arm (Ian Krol), a potential top starter (Robbie Ray) and, in effect, Drew Smyly.

In effect, Dombrowski swapped Fister for Drew Smyly.

In effect.

Nothing is currently more infuriating than the Detroit sports media continuing this asinine narrative that the Fister trade wasn’t that bad since Smyly is essentially replacing Fister.

Let’s get this straight once and for all…The Tigers didn’t acquire Drew Smyly when they dealt Fister for 30 cents on the dollar. HE WAS IN THEIR BULLPEN AND A MEMBER OF THE 40-MAN FUCKING ROSTER!!!!

Smyly wasn’t toiling away with the Syracuse Chiefs of the International League waiting for a big league opportunity in 2013, he was a VALUABLE WEAPON in the Detroit Tigers bullpen. Arguably the best bullpen arm on the team. A lefty who could pitch multiple relief innings if called upon. A southpaw who was lethal versus left-handed batters. An integral member of the team that won the American League Central.

And not only is Smyly no longer able to solidify the bullpen, the trade of Fister now means that Smyly can’t gradually slide into the starting rotation when one of the other starters inevitably goes on the Disabled List.

Unless you think that Detroit will be as lucky as they were last year when the team only had to use six starting pitchers all season long — a league low and a total anomaly.

While everyone else in baseball continues to be dumbfounded with the Fister deal, Dombrowski’s lackeys in the Detroit media continue to come up with creative, disingenuous justifications for the transaction.

Five-Dollar-Footlong labeled Ray “a potential top starter.” Based on what? The fact that every well-regarded prospect evaluator considers the kid a project? Or is it because neither Baseball America nor Keith Law have Ray among the Top 100 prospects in baseball?

Oh, that’s right. According to Dombrowski, Keith Law is biased. He hates EVERYTHING the Tigers do and never likes any of the team’s youngsters.

Which makes this post from Law over the weekend very confusing:

1. Nick Castellanos, 3B | Detroit Tigers

Castellanos tops the list because he has a full-time gig waiting for him, little internal competition, and plenty of ability to make an impact in the near term. His defense might not be ready for prime time, but his glove already is a real improvement over the one he’s replacing, and I think he’s got rookie of the year potential if neither Tanaka nor Abreu runs away with it.

Yep, Anti-Detroit Tigers baseball scribe Keith Law listed Castellanos as his top impact prospect for 2014 and a good bet for Rookie of the Year. What a fucking troll!!!!

And can one of the Dombrowski apologists in the Detroit media (Lynn Henning, John Lowe, Matthew “Be Aggressive” Mowery or Windsor) explain their theory that people like Law had it in for the Tigers farm system when they had Robbie Ray ranked as a so-so prospect when he was a member of the NATIONALS organization?

I guess they think the people at Fangraphs and Baseball Prospectus possess a crystal ball and knew that Dombrowski was going make this epically awful trade before it occurred.

And while a MAJORITY of General Managers, scouts and other execs are informing Jayson Stark that Dombrowski’s swap of Fister was the worst deal of the offseason, the Tigers GM is actually telling the local beat writers with a straight face that Washington GM Mike Rizzo originally refused to make Ray part of the deal.

AND THEY FUCKING BELIEVED HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Look, at the beginning of the 1996 season the Detroit Red Wings were coming off another disappointing season where had they entered the year as the chalk to win the Stanley Cup but were eliminated in the semifinals. This coming on the heels of getting SWEPT in the FINALS as an overwhelming favorite to win a championship.

Does that sound vaguely familiar? It should, because it is the EXACT same situation facing the Tigers — another Ilitch Family production — this season.

In 1994-95, the Wings were embarrassingly swept by the trapping New Jersey Devils. They came back the next season and lost in the conference finals to the Colorado Avalanche in SIX games.

In 2012, the Tigers were unceremoniously dumped by the San Francisco Giants in four games. They returned the following year to lose the ALCS in SIX games to the Boston Red Sox.

The only thing that could make these situations more similar is if Mike Napoli would have somehow figured out a way to rearrange Don Kelly’s face during Game 6.

So what did Scotty Bowman, Ken Holland and Jimmy Devellano do to ensure the 1996-97 season would be different than the preceding disappointments?

They dealt an up-and-coming young center named Keith Primeau to the Hartford Whalers for established All-Star power forward Brendan Shanahan — a move they hoped would FINALLY put the franchise over the top. And seven months later, it did.

In the EXACT same position as the Red Wings brass was nearly 18 years earlier, Dombrowski thought it was a capital idea to trade one of the most reliable starting pitchers in baseball for a utility infielder, a situational lefty reliever and a prospect who might be a serviceable starting pitcher ……… in 2016.

The Wings obtained a future Hall of Famer coming off a 44-goal season.

The Tigers acquired Steve Lombardozzi, Ian Krol and a middling prospect.

And these Detroit Media Dolts are confused as to why Tigers fans are irate.

‘In effect, the Tigers dealt Doug Fister for Drew Smyly.’

In effect, Shawn Windsor, I hope you choke to death on a Fritos® Chicken Enchilada Melt on asiago cheese bread.