By Jeff Moss
July 31, 2011
DetroitSportsRag@gmail.com
A lot of shit went down over the weekend and I figured the best way to respond to all of the Tigers and Lions news would be to pen a Mossisms™ version of “Fact or Fiction.”
Longtime readers of the DSR might remember that whenever I used to write these “Yes or No” type columns, I pay homage to Sacha Baron Cohen’s homosexual Austrian fashionista character, Bruno.
So without further adieu, let’s begin today’s “Ach Ja” or “Nicht Nitcht”’?
The Tigers acquisition of Doug Fister and David Pauley for Casper Wells, Charlie Furbush, Francisco Martinez and either Chance Ruffin or Drew Smyly will result in Detroit winning the AL Central?
Ach Ja. I was always perplexed regarding the discussion leading up to yesterday’s trade deadline discussion.
Whenever I read or heard speculation on the Tigers needs it usually revolved around the team’s desire for a “fifth starter.”
Well, I am sorry, but I never bought into that line of bullshit. They didn’t need a #5 guy; they already had one with A.C. Slater’s sloppy seconds™ (Sean Avery.)
To have a legitimate shot at winning the World Series I figured they needed a guy who could slide into the #2 role behind Justin Verlander. Either a James Shields or a Ubaldo Jiminez type.
But once the Rays pulled Shields off the market and the Rockies demanded Rick Porcello, Jacob Turner, Brennan Boesch and the circumcised clitoris of Mike Ilitch’s first granddaughter for Jiminez, it became obvious that Dave Dombrowski was going to have to settle for a #3 or a #4 starter.
And after watching Turner on Saturday afternoon I am actually glad that Dombrowski didn’t trade away the team’s one blue chip prospect. The kid seems like the real deal™ (Bill McNeil) and he is only 20.
Although I am not sure why Colorado was demanding two major league starters and the Tigers’ top prospect for Jiminez when they eventually accepted much LESS from Cleveland.
Earlier this month ESPN.com minor leagues guru Keith Law released his list of Top 50 prospects in all of baseball. Turner was #13 on that list while the centerpiece of the Rockies haul, starting pitcher Drew Pomeranz, was rated #35. None of the other three prospects headed to Denver made Law’s list or even gained honorable mention status.
In fact none of the three other kids made Law’s preseason Top 100 list either. A comparable Tigers trade to the one the Rockies completed with Cleveland would have been Turner, Andy Oliver, Charlie Furbush and Ryan Strieby.
I am not sure why Colorado demanded so much more from Dombrowski than Chris Antonetti, but after watching Turner and Jiminez over the weekend, I am kind of glad they did.
Anyway, let’s get back to what the Tigers did acquire in Fister and Pauley. Two guys who are basically having career years if you can ever say a guy who is 3 and 12 is enjoying a breakthrough season.
Of course, Fister has received about as much support this year as Sue Ellen Mischke’s tits did.
In Fister’s last ten starts he received a grand total of ten runs from the Mariners “offense.” Or in other words, in his last ten games he received TWO LESS RUNS THAN RICK PORCELLO DID IN HIS LAST START.
Basically all the Tigers need Fister to do is replicate his stats in Seattle. If he can somehow keeps his ERA under 4.00 in Detroit, he should provide the team with enough wins to take the AL Central.
Of course, the last time Dombrowski made a deadline trade with Seattle was 2009 and we said the EXACT SAME FUCKING THING ABOUT JARROD WASHBURN.
That year Washburn had an ERA of 2.64 for the Mariners and a WHIP of 1.07 before heading to Michigan. In Detroit he started eight games and finished with an ERA of 7.33 and a WHIP of 1.56.
And after the Tigers lost Game #163 against the Twins (a game that never would have occurred if Washburn could have given the team TWO GOD DAMNED QUALITY STARTS), the choke-artist has never been seen again.
(And there is absolutely no correlation between Washburn disappearing shortly after that extra-innings loss in Minnesota and the absolutely rancid smell emanating from the freezer in my garage.)
But I can’t imagine that Fister will shit the bed as badly as Washburn because, I mean, how could he? And I also believe that Pauley will provide a decent option in the seventh inning coming out of the pen even though his advanced stats are a little troublesome.
So now the Tigers have the best lineup in the AL Central. They have the best starting pitchers in the AL Central. They have a closer that hasn’t blown a save this season and a bullpen built with more spent assets than a pork-filled congressional spending bill.
If the Tigers don’t win the division with this team, Jim Leyland shouldn’t just be fired at the end of year, he should be forced to walk around any neighborhood within 15 blocks of Comerica Park with the following sandwich board from Die Hard 3 hanging around his neck:
Now, will I have any confidence in Fister on the mound at Fenway Park pitching against the Red Sox lineup or in that bandbox in Dallas against the Rangers in the postseason? Absolutely not.
But that wasn’t the question that I asked myself™ (Jamie Samuelsen’s Shitty Freep.com Blog.)
Was it wrong for Erick Aybar to bunt in the 8th inning of Justin Verlander’s potential no-hitter?
Nitcht-fucking-nitcht.
Being a miserable son of a bitch, I obviously have a huge number of pet peeves. But one of the biggest is my absolute disgust with baseball’s “unwritten rules.”
There was absolutely nothing wrong with Aybar trying to break-up JV’s no-hitter with a bunt single. I mean, this wasn’t Adam Dunn trying to pull a monumental fast one with the shift on and no Tigers infielders within 85 feet of home plate or Jake Taylor’s trickery at the end of Major League.
This was a guy who does THIS ALL THE TIME and Verlander should have been prepared it could happen.
The score was 3-0 and the Angels are in the middle of a fucking pennant chase. They are two games back of first place on August 1st and Aybar’s best chance to get a hit was a bunt single.
Look, I love Verlander. The guy has one of the five best arms I have ever seen and he is a friendly client of my wife’s store, Hell, I have even deified him on the DSR.
But he reacted horribly to Aybar’s perfectly acceptable attempt to get on base and it might have cost him his third career no-hitter.
Verlander actually admitted to losing his composure after the game.
“I was charging it — probably thinking some bad thoughts about him the whole time — and maybe tried to throw it a little bit too hard, which is probably exactly what he wanted,” Verlander said. “He probably wanted to get me a little fired up.”
If it wasn’t dumb enough for JV to potentially cost himself a no-hitter over one of baseball’s idiotic “unwritten rules”, he then proceeded to threaten Aybar from the dugout at the end of the inning.
After the game Verlander called Aybar’s bunt attempt “Bush League” even though his own manager had no issue with it whatsoever.
And considering it seems that Verlander takes a no-hitter deep into every other game he pitches, it might be wise if Cancer Stick sits the future Cy Young winner down and tells him to settle down regarding any rules etched in invisible ink.
Which leads us to the next question ….
At the end of Justin Verlander’s career will Nolan Ryan be the only pitcher with more career no-hitters?
Now, these are the toughest kinds of questions to answer. They are highly speculative and we have no idea if JV will develop an injury issue or suddenly acquire an insatiable desire for Perkins waitresses and porn stars.
But I will have to go Ach Ja on this one just because other than the “Ryan Express”, I have never seen a guy more capable of pitching a no-hitter at any given time.
With most Tigers starting pitchers the fanbase gets upset the first time the opposition scores a run. With Verlander we get pissed if the guy gives up a freaking hit or walk.
It isn’t even a joke anymore to wonder if the guy is going to throw a no-no starting in the first or second inning.
JV is 28-years old and he has two career no-hitters and two recent near misses. To get into second place on the career list he will have to throw two more to tie Sandy Koufax.
Shit, I wouldn’t be surprised if he ties the Koufax before he turns 30-years old, but whatever number he retires with, he probably will always regret not having one more.
Because all he had to do on Sunday was not overreact to Aybar’s bunt and he might have already moved into a third place tie with Bob Feller.
Was Verlander’s error on the Aybar bunt the biggest reason he didn’t earn his third career no-hitter?
Nitcht nitcht. That honor would actually go to the combination of Don Kelly and Leyland.
First of all, why was Kelly even the starting third baseman on Sunday? Why did Dombrowski give up two Single-A prospects for Wilson Betemit if the guy isn’t going to play every single fucking day down the stretch?
And even if you are going to start Kelly at third, why in the eighth inning of a no-hitter is a left fielder playing the hot corner over a career third baseman?
Quad-A Kelly has played a grand total of 52 games at third base in his ENTIRE CAREER after coming up through the minors as an outfielder while Betemit has played 55 games at third base THIS SEASON ALONE.
And while Betemit isn’t exactly some cross between Brooks Robinson and Adrian Beltre defensively at least third base is his everyday position!!!!!
Because even after Verlander’s error all Kelly had to do was either throw Peter Bourjos’s slow chopper to first base to get the second out of the inning or properly execute a simple run-down play.
But why should any of this surprise me? We are talking about a manager who one inning later inserted Ryan Raburn into left field as a defensive replacement.
Because whenever I hear Ryan Raburn’s name, I immediately think defensive superstar.
Putting Raburn in for his GLOVE is the baseball equivalent of hiring Lary Sorensen as your designated driver.
Fucking kill me.
Are you satisfied with the Lions Free-Agent moves to date?
So what do we have here?
The signing of a linebacker who has a hard time staying healthy in Justin Durant.
The re-signing of cornerback Chris Houston after refusing to aggressively pursue any of the big name free-agent corners on the market.
The acquisition of death threat recipient Eric Wright and a Kevlar vest from Cleveland to play opposite Houston in the secondary.
And finally the much anticipated signing of Tennessee middle linebacker Stephen Tulloch over the weekend.
While I have my fingers crossed that Martin Mayhew knows what he is doing here and successfully filled the holes on defense, I am going Nitcht Nitcht on the question.
Take Eric Wright for example. The guy is coming off such a horrible year that he received the aforementioned death threats from Browns fans.
Now, if these attacks were coming from New Yorkers or Philly Phan, I’d probably take them with a grain of salt. But we are talking about a fanbase that has gone through “The Drive” and the loss of their franchise to Baltimore.
And really, is there a group of people better prepared for disappointment?
How bad must Wright have been last year to get THOSE PEOPLE that worked up? I mean, an Eric Wright hasn’t generated that much angst and vitriol since Ice Cube recorded “No Vaseline” back in 1991.
I just hope for the Lions sake the guy doesn’t get burned this year with a match and a little bit of gasoline.
And while most Lions fans were clamoring for Tulloch, aren’t you just a little worried that he signed for only one year and for an incredibly reasonable salary?
Why didn’t anyone else step in and give the guy a better deal with more security?
It is like when you are pursuing a girl for a while and then she finally decides to fuck you. Haven’t you ever wondered, “What is wrong with this chick that she is going to sleep with ME!?!?!”
I just hope for our sakes that Tulloch doesn’t have Bacterial Vaginosis or a peg leg.
What?