The Case for Helene St. James’ #1 Seed

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By Melrose Jerry Green
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
August 22, 2016

If you have been following this website for the past few years, you know just how dim the Detroit Red Wings’ future is. For the past seven years, GM Ken Holland has failed to put the team in position to compete for a Stanley Cup by virtue of some truly horrendous free-agent signings and trades.

The team is littered with awful contracts, and it looks like superstar-in-the-making Dylan Larkin will have his talents wasted during the prime of his career.

While Holland’s critics have increased in both number and volume — most notably from this site — he still enjoys the benefit of the doubt from the majority of Wings fans. Why is this?

Well, it could have something to do with the constant fellatio given to him by the three blind mice known as Helene St. James, Ansar Khan and Ted Kulfan. Over the years, these three shills have refused to press him on his downright atrocious transactions and have exhibited an alarming lack of knowledge about this team, whether it be not being able to tweet out the correct line combinations or poo-pooing the advanced metrics that have become an integral part of front offices across the league.

With this knowledge in tow, I now present to you the worst beat writer of them all — Helene “Scarf”  James. Over the past few weeks, the self-described “Francophile” has been writing a series of player profiles leading up to the upcoming season.

Despite many intelligent individuals such as TSN personality Travis Yost mocking the exorbitant contracts given out to players such as Luke Glendening and Danny DeKeyser, St. James has sung their praises. The following is a collection of player profiles she has published with subsequent analysis by yours truly.

Luke Glendening

“After using the 2013-14 season to gain a foothold as a regular thanks to hard work and relentless defense, Glendening used 2014-15 to show he also can contribute offensively with a dozen goals among 18 points. He wasn’t quite as good last season — while his overall production did rise slightly, it took until the second half before Glendening showed the energy that makes him so effective (he did finish second on the team with 143 hits). The Wings locked up Glendening, 27, with a four-year extension a summer before he could have been an unrestricted free agent. Why? Because the Pittsburgh Penguins just demonstrated the importance of speed as they were first across the finish line in the 2016 Stanley Cup playoffs. Glendening has it in spades, and it’s why he was such a favorite of former coach Mike Babcock. Glendening is a very capable defender because of the way he can limit an opponent’s space, and he has a pesky side, too. Just coming into his prime, so he should be able to take a step forward.”

A person who covers hockey for a living in 2016 actually had the gall to cite hits when talking about a player’s effectiveness. Ya gotta believe me. Why don’t we take a look at Glendening’s advanced statistics?

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Yes, according to the fine folks at Own the Puck, Glendening shouldn’t even be a FOURTH LINER. He doesn’t even register on the productive possession scale. Do you know how difficult it is to accomplish that?!! I also love how she talks up the former Wolverine WALK-ON’s speed. Just off the top of my head, I can name five Red Wings faster than Glendening –Larkin, Andreas Athanasiou, Tomas Tatar, Gustav Nyquist, and Brendan Smith.

And how dare she compare someone like Matt Cullen or Eric Fehr to Glendening. Here are Cullen’s production per 60 minutes/possession stats.

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As you can see, Cullen is vastly superior in EVERY facet. Not to mention he recorded more goals, assists, and points in LESS ice time. Keep fluffing every Downriver Puck Bunny’s favorite son, Helene!!!

Drew Miller

“The Wings missed him, especially on the penalty kill. Miller, 32, was re-signed for one season because the Wings like what they have in him — a hardworking, relatively inexpensive grinder who can help kill penalties. At best, Miller grinds away on the fourth line and penalty kill. If the knee proves problematic, he can be placed on injured reserve and the Wings can gain the salary cap relief. Part of the reason for the re-signing was the desire for depth — and to stir better internal competition for minutes.”

Contrary to what the Scarf is feeding us, Drew Miller is not a good penalty killer. In fact, he is (Trout) awful.

This “grinder” is one of THE WORST players in the NHL. I’m not exaggerating.

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Is being in the bottom 3% of useful possession good? Not only is Miller alarmingly ineffective, he is yet another forward who is blocking a promising young player in Grand Rapids such as Tyler Bertuzzi. Could Bertuzzi not replicate, let alone easily exceed, Miller’s output for HALF the cost? Despite all the data out there, St. James continues to spew the company line.

Justin Abdelkader

“Abdelkader entered 2015-16 coming off a career high of 23 goals among 44 points. He showed consistency offensively, but the minus-16 blights after five straight seasons as a plus player. Abdelkader spent the majority of the season on a line with Henrik Zetterberg and either Dylan Larkin or Pavel Datsyuk, playing against the other team’s top line or best defenders. Abdelkader’s 18:26 average ice time trailed only Datsyuk and Zetterberg among the team’s forwards, and Abdelkader was the only forward to log considerable time on both the power play and penalty kill. He led the Wings with 207 hits (far ahead of runner-up Luke Glendening at 143) and four fights. Eager to keep the rare physical player on the team, the Wings made sure Abdelkader, 29, never came near unrestricted free agency by signing him to a seven-year, $30 million contract in November, granting a lot of term to get a good salary cap hit. Abdelkader has shown he can be counted on for production in the 20-goal range, and he’s a versatile forward who can be trusted in any situation. He uses his big body (6-foot-2, 218 pounds) to be a net-front presence, and he stands up for teammates subjected to cheap shots by opponents. Abdelkader is a hard worker with good character, unlikely to get complacent.”

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I will preface this section of analysis by stating that I like Justin Abdelkader. He seems like a nice guy, and I thoroughly enjoyed this article that he penned in the Players Tribune. That being said, his current 7-year deal is an absolute albatross.

Giving out a 7-year contract to ANY 29-year-old is asinine. When that 29-year-old happens to play a game that relies on physicality, it becomes even more egregious, as you eventually slow down due to the punishment absorbed over the years.

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Abdelkader is best suited as a 3rd or 4th liner who plays on the penalty-kill unit, due to his track record of not being able to score at a high clip on a per game or per 60 minute basis.

Even though he has scored 44 goals the past two seasons, a regression in production is imminent. Pavel Datsyuk, one of his linemates for much of those two seasons, is in Russia.

Abdelkader’s goal-scoring opportunities will surely decline without the future Hall of Famer feeding him passes. In addition, Abdelkader’s average shooting percentage of 13.6% in 2014-15 to 2015-16 far exceeds his career average of 9.0%. These numbers and their underlying meaning are obvious to anyone with a basic understanding of math. However, Wings fans will continue to read about Abdelkader’s “grit” and “toughness” due to St. James’ inability to criticize the Red Wings organization.

Johnathan Ericsson

 “The Wings took a flier on Ericsson when they selected him last in the 2002 draft, 291st overall. After having trouble his first few seasons with turnovers, Ericsson improved and became a decent partner for Niklas Kronwall, playing a steady, stay-at-home game and killing penalties. Last season, however, Ericsson was a top-four guy who too often played like a No. 6 D-man. It didn’t help that he was partnered a good deal with Kronwall, whose play was affected by a bad knee. Ericsson led the defense with 121 hits and 61 giveaways. He logged the second-most minutes among the penalty killers, at a 2:37 average per game, but ranked sixth among the team’s defensemen with 48 blocked shots. Ericsson turned 32 in March, so if he is fully healthy, he should be able to play better. Maybe new defense coach Doug Houda can find a way to get more out of Ericsson — every now and then when he really gets fired up, he shows how he can impact a game. Ericsson does not play with the physicality possible from someone who is 6 feet 4, 220 pounds, and he’s not offensively flashy by any means, but he’s capable of better skating and defense than what he turned in last season. It’s unfortunate if the long contract has made him comfortable.”

“Every now and then when he really gets fired up, he show how he can impact a game…he’s capable of better skating and defense than what he turned in last season.”

 I don’t even have to provide advanced statistics to show you just how wrong this description is. Instead, here are some hilarious GIFs that perfectly describe Johnathan Ericsson as a hockey player. Enjoy!

The eye-test is more than enough for one to judge Ericsson’s abilities. But in Helene St. James’ world, Jonathan Ericsson’s 2015-2016 was just a blip on the radar and a return to form is just around the corner. At age 32.

Brendan Smith

“He had 94 hits, 42 blocked shots and 35 giveaways. Smith, 27, brings the Wings something  they lack, which is grit and aggressiveness. He competes hard and is willing to go at it with an opposing player on behalf of a teammate. (Justin Abdelkader has this trait, too; likewise, newcomer Steve Ott.) Smith can cause heart palpitations with his sometimes reckless decision-making, and the quicker he smartens up in this area, the better. He’s an unrestricted free agent next summer, so the Wings need to decide this season whether Smith is part of their future.”

St. James wrote an entire paragraph summarizing Brendan Smith’s performance and didn’t even discuss his puck-moving abilities, his speed, or how he was criminally underused this past season. Instead she used the ever-so-descriptive word “grit” to discuss his playing style. What does that even mean? As you can see, Brendan Smith’s puck retention skills indicate that he possesses  the abilities of a top-4 defenseman. Combined with his speed and hands, this makes Smith a valuable commodity in today’s NHL. And if you want to get a better idea of just how large the gap was between Smith and his teammates, just take a look at this:

Note how St. James makes a note of Smith’s turnovers, but not Ericsson’s. This is just yet another example of her laziness and complete aversion for advanced metrics.

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Jimmy Howard

“Head coach Jeff Blashill started the season alternating between Howard and Petr Mrazek until Howard began to struggle in December. Howard’s woes dragged on as he saw sporadic backup duty, although his starts did also come during the second game of back-to-backs. When Mrazek went into a free-fall, Howard was able to play well enough that he took over as starter by season’s end. Howard started the first two games of the playoffs, then was pulled as part of the response to going down 2-0 in the series against Tampa Bay. Attempts to trade Howard, 32, were unsuccessful, as the few teams needing goaltending help found solutions elsewhere. If Howard is traded, the Wings would also need another veteran goalie, as there isn’t a goaltending prospect in the organization capable of jumping in. The Wings would need to acquire someone very trustworthy, because there is still uncertainty regarding whether Mrazek can handle a full NHL season. In sum, for the time being, it makes sense to hang onto Howard — he bailed them out this season when Mrazek stumbled, and the playoff losses had more to do with uninspired play from teammates than goaltending. Spending in the $10 million range on goaltending is costly, but doable. It’s always possible a team will suffer an injury once the season begins and a trade scenario materializes. If not, Howard can be exposed in the expansion draft next summer.”

This profile is beyond insulting due to just how wildly inaccurate it is. Petr Mrazek’s performance only suffered because he sustained a groin injury in mid-February.

Second, Howard didn’t “bail” the team out. In the 17 games he started after Mrazek’s injury, his save performance was only .909, still well below the NHL average of .915.

Third, finding a veteran backup goalie is the least of this team’s concerns. If Ken Holland weren’t incompetent, this team would have signed someone such as Jonas Gustavsson on the cheap.

Even now, the Wings can still trade for a backup to replace Howard.

Fourth, how can you say that Mrazek can’t handle a full season when he’s never been given the opportunity? HE’S STILL ONLY 24.

Fifth, it makes ZERO sense to hang on to Howard. He has a cap hit of $5.3 MILION this season. Coupled with Mrazek’s new deal, there’s $9.3 MILLION of cap space tied up in goaltenders for this team. Here is a list of the conference finalists from last year and the amount of money they have tied up with goaltenders for this upcoming season:

Pittsburgh: $6,370,000
San Jose: $3,575,000
St. Louis: $3,475,000
Tampa Bay: $6,875,000

What does that average out to? $5,073,750. Do ya think that extra $4.3M would be useful for a team right up against the cap? In Helene’s world, Jimmy Howard in his current state is a huge asset to this team and Ken Holland’s refusal to trade him makes perfect sense!

Steve Ott

After an attempt to sign Matt Martin (the Wings offered four years and $10 million, the same amount Martin took from Toronto) was rebuffed, the Wings took a flier on Ott in their attempt to address the need for grit. Last season’s injury aside, Ott, who turns 34 on Aug. 19, has been very healthy, playing 364 of 376 games from 2010-11 through 2014-15. He’s good on faceoffs (winning 56.3% as recently as 2014-15) and he’s an experienced penalty killer. He’s the type of player who holds opponents accountable for cheap shots. If Ott disappoints, he can be sent to the minors and his salary cap hit eliminated – but his abundant enthusiasm for playing for the Wings (he played juniors across the river in Windsor) hints Ott is eager to contribute and establish himself as a fan favorite.

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Ah yes, in order to address their need for an intangible quality, the Wings signed a player who is basically useless in today’s NHL. If you haven’t been in a pontoon for the last five years, you know that fighting is almost non-existent in today’s game.

Unless you have other discernible skills such as shooting or penalty-killing, there really is no need for an enforcer on ANY team. If the situation ever arose, someone such as Abdelkader or Smith (if he isn’t a healthy scratch) could drop the gloves.

However, due to Ken Holland’s antiquated approach to constructing a roster, this team has a 34-year-old enforcer acting as a roadblock to younger, more talented players such as Teemu Pulkkinen and Anthony Mantha. What would this team ever do without Ott’s GRIT and ENTHUSIASM?! Keep carrying Ken Holland’s water, Helene.

At this point, it is a lost cause to think that any of this town’s beat writers are capable of holding the Red Wings organization accountable. While many intelligent, forward-thinking people are warning the public about this team’s impending downfall, the “Three Blind Mice”, specifically “The Scaft” are painting a rosy picture.

We are getting puff pieces written about players who are clearly undeserving of them, and criticism of players who are actually performing.  It cannot be stressed enough that this team and the media that covers it continues to ignore the advanced stats revolution currently flourishing in this sport.

When casting your vote in the 2017 DSR Worst Sports Media Personality Tournament, keep these awful player profiles in mind when debating St. James’ worthlessness.

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