By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
July 20, 2016

From the first moment I accidentally tuned into Howard Stern’s “Channel 9” show on WOR-TV while bored on a Saturday evening back in 1990, I was hooked on the “King of All Media” drug.

I was attempting to find scrambled porn on either HBO or Cinemax while everyone else was asleep in our family’s Miami-area condo; pure happenstance led me to the next best thing ….

And from that moment forward, I did anything possible to digest everything Howard Stern related, which wasn’t an easy feat since Stern was not on local radio until 1997. I would find my fix any way I could get it until he belatedly landed at 97.1.

I’d binge on the “Best of Stern” when spending two weeks in South Florida every Christmas. I would schedule business meetings in West Michigan in the early afternoon so I could catch a good portion of Stern’s show on WKLQ in Grand Rapids on the drive to the Bible Belt.

And I doubt I missed one episode of the old E! show once those 30-minute programs featuring the best moments from the daily radio show made its debut in 1994.

And when I tell you that I have listened to 99.9% of the available “Stern Show” content since he made the jump to Sirius in 2006, that isn’t hyperbole.

Hell, when the satellite revolution began on January 9, 2006, I was driving to New Orleans to assist my Hurricane Katrina clients. And I scheduled that trip purposely so I could listen to Artie Lange, Robin Quivers, Fred Norris and the rest of the crew premiere on their new uncensored home with no interruptions.

Even though I have never called the show in my life, I am the epitome (Ep-uh-TOME) of a SuperFan.

(While I never showed up at a Long Island hospital to stalk Stern on the maternity floor or sold the Tickle Chair for profit, I’d be more than happy to go head-to-head with that poseur dummy Bobo on KOAM trivia any day of the week.)

When I started this website back in 2003, I created it with the mantra, “What Would Howard Stern Do?” Whenever I question if I am going too far attacking Scott Anderson or Lynn Henning, I just think of Stern proclaiming that he was going to fuck the skull of Mancow’s dead father …. and then I post whatever the hell I want.

The DSR has intersected several times in the past with the “Stern Show,” from my failed attempt to book show writer Benjy Bronk and his girlfriend Elisa Jordana at the Palace for a halftime rendition of “Online Sweetheart” at a Pistons game to Sour Shoes pranking members of the Detroit sports media as Mad Dog Russo and Scotty Ferrall on my behalf.

But until Wednesday, the DSR had never been mentioned by Howard on the actual show. Yes, I once did an interview with former Howard 100 news reporter Jon Lieberman that aired on the channels regarding the “Online Sweetheart” vortex, but this website had never gained enough retraction™ (Sal Governale) to pique Howard’s interest.

But that all ended at 7:22am yesterday when an innocuous shoutout during my weekly guest appearance on Ryan Schuiling’s show in Lansing ended up being the impetus for a classic segment that will probably live on in perpetuity during “Best Of” segments long after Stern presumably retires in four years.

First, a little backstory for the uninitiated. There is a dude by the name of Jon Hein who hosts something called the “Wrap Up Show” after Stern’s program finishes. The University of Michigan graduate is most famous for coining the phrase “Jump the Shark” but he also has spent the last decade emceeing the Stern Show’s “postgame” conversation.

(When he is not chloroforming young boys and stashing them in the trunk of his car.)

For some reason, a few weeks ago “Stern Show” writer Nik Ruckert and associate producer Jason Kaplan started teasing Hein with the phrase “Hit ‘Em With the Hein.” This mockery was discussed on the show and I instantly fell in love with the dumb saying.

So, a couple weeks back when I was introduced by Schuiling on 92.1FM in Lansing, I belted out a loud version of “Hit ‘Em with the …… HEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNN.”

Ryan had no fucking clue what I was talking about. He just ignored my shenanigans as usual and proceeded with my interview. I then Tweeted out that I did this, tagged both Ruckert and “Kaplan The Cannibal” and thought nothing more of it ….

Until yesterday morning when I woke up around 9am and saw that my phone had blown up. Missed phone calls. Several text messages. An inordinate number of notifications on Twitter and Facebook. I figured that either someone I knew had died or the Tigers had somehow acquired Mike Trout.

It was neither.

It was this ……

Yep, my lifelong dream of being mentioned on Howard Stern’s radio program finally came to fruition. And this wasn’t just some passing mention. Nope, it led to one of my favorite staff segments in recent memory. And I’d say that even if I would not have been a part of it.

First, I learned that there was a behind-the-scenes tug-of-war between Kaplan and media producer Jamie Harmeyer regarding whether or not Stern would ever even HEAR my clip. In an effort to protect his pal Hein, J.D. initially refused to send Howard my shoutout.

(In a related story, I hope the Bengals and Reds never win a championship for as long as J.D. lives and that one day his disgusting bed sheets come to life and choke him to death while he sleeps and his spoon collection is subsequently gifted to Jared Fox.)

Luckily, Kaplan went over Harmeyer’s head and presented the clip to Stern, who obviously deemed it worthwhile enough to play. And now I can die in peace knowing I made Robin laugh and somewhat entertained Stern even if it was in a fleeting fashion.

My clip — which Kaplan clearly was using to further his agenda of getting “Hit ‘Em with the Hein” inserted into the Stern world lexicon — spiraled into one of those classic show moments where the back-office staff’s true feelings about each other become transparent. For as long as I have been obsessed with the program, these “fights” have always been my faaaaaaaaaaaavorite™ (Richard Christie) part of the listening experience.

Which leads me to my final point regarding my minuscule contribution to a show that has literally helped me laugh and assisted me in getting through the deaths of my father and grandfather over the years.

I want to make something perfectly clear if this article somehow ever reaches Howard’s attention. I am not some whiny, complaining asshole who used to post on Stern Fan Network.

I am not some delusional Twitter cunt who constantly wants to know when Artie is coming back.

I am a guy who is grateful that Stern is still on the air. Because the last time I checked the math, three shows a week is better than none and this broadcast legend has earned whatever vacation time he takes.

Fuck, I’d keep SiriusXM for Stern alone even if he only did one show a month for an hour so please believe me when I state that I am not one of THOSE “fans.”

In my mind, Howard Stern is the greatest entertainer and media innovator to ever roam this planet. Not the best radio host. Not the greatest talk show performer.

THEE BEST ENTERTAINER OF ANY KIND SINCE THE DAWN OF CIVILIZATION.

Reality TV? Stern was doing it before MTV’s “The Real World.”

Programs like “Are You Smarter than A Fifth Grader?” Howard was doing that crap way before others made millions off the concept.

The man influenced every single late-night talk show host over the last three decades. From ones who graciously admitted it like his pal Jimmy Kimmel to the backstabbing weasel Jay Leno (who ripped off Stern for years) to David Letterman, who acknowledged he only put his mother on his show after Stern did so with his own mom.

“Talking Bad.”

“Talking Dead.”

The Danettes discussing Dan Patrick‘s program after it ends?

All directly influenced by Stern’s decision to create a wrap-up show to summarize the goings-on of his own five-hour program.

I could go on and on listing Stern’s notable influences on the current culture, but I need to end this at some point. Suffice it to say, Howard shouldn’t just get a Kennedy Center Honor, they should give him the whole god damn JFK Performing Arts building and let him display the Beetlejuice head sculpture, the Sybian and the Jackie Puppet there!!!!!

So please, if you read this, Mr. Stern, take this request with Peace and Love from someone who is happy with the show in its current form and doesn’t want to piss you off.

We just got done listening to “Fight Week” while the program was dark thanks to the great work of the Sternthology staff. And if you listened intently to those various segments of staff members going at it, many had one common thread …

They started on the “Wrap-Up Show” when staff members would participate on the second greatest radio show of all-time. The amount of show gold that originated on the WUS before the format switched to Hein and Gary Dell’Abate discussing show topics with various guest panelists is incalculable.

Now, I am not asking you to completely abandon the Hein and Bababooey program featuring Michael Rapaport or Bob McKenzie, but maybe, just maybe on Thursdays or Fridays, can we get the OLD show back?

I don’t want to get greedy, but while I am writing this, how about quarterly episodes of “Back Office Radio” with Kaplan and Will Murray also?

As a standalone, the old version of the WUS was a classic in its own right. But the amount of show material it provided took the program to another stratosphere entirely.

Undoubtedly, you had your reasons for shifting the approach of the WUS and I am only requesting we get a small sliver of the old magic back.

I’ve clearly said it all and I need to bring this to a conclusion so let me end it with this ….

HIT EM WITH THE HEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!