By Jeff Moss and Mihir Bhatnagar
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
February 23, 2016

The DSR’s Worst Detroit Sports Media Personality Tournament of 64 is off to a roaring start as the original bracket has been reduced by 75% with only the “Shitty 16” remaining.

The games have mostly been chalky with favorites dominating as usual, but there have been a few upsets along the way. Here is the updated bracket ….

Not going to spend a lot of time summarizing the events so far, let’s just dig right into the “Shitty 16” match-ups with commentary and predictions.

GENE MYERS REGION

1) Lynn Henning vs. 12) Rob Parker

Despite only making the occasional appearance on WDIV’s “Sports Final Edition” the last few years, “Wob” Parker has clearly left a lasting impression on many of you as he is the only double-digit seed to advance to the “Shitty 16”.

In fact, in the four years we have been running this tourney, Parker is the highest seed ever to advance to the round ofsixteen. (The previous record was held by #10 seed Marc Fellhauer making it this far in 2015.)

This year’s Cinderella wasn’t even guaranteed a spot in this year’s tourney due to his irrelevance in this market. If he hadn’t landed a gig working at WXON-20 right before this event kicked-off, he probably wouldn’t have made the bracket. And even then he was one of the last four entrants voted in by the committee.

But that hasn’t stopped the man who once called RG3 a “Cornball Brutha” from making an impressive run. It began with an obliteration of new co-worker Brad Galli in the first round and then Parker barely squeaked by Ryan Ermanni in round two.

The stunning upset of Ermanni was obviously fueled by Parker’s awful Baseball Hall of Fame ballot, his constant bashing of advanced metrics in baseball and the fact he nearly used his beat-up Jeep Cherokee to run over this site’s founder over the summer.

However, Parker’s unexpected run will almost assuredly come to an end in the “Shitty 16” when he runs into the buzz saw known as Lynn Henning.

Last year’s runner-up has absolutely destroyed his competition thus far, winning at least 90% of the vote against both Josh Katzenstein and Shawn Windsor.

Henning’s success so far can be attributed to him repeatedly poo-pooing the notion that the Tigers would sign any free agents of note (really nailed that one, chief!) and to doubling down on his historically awful prediction that Joba Chamberlain would command AT LEAST a $50M contract.

Even the one redeeming aspect about “Mr. Imperfect”, his political opinions, took a hit as this past year, as he continues to obsess over the prospect of Joe Biden making a Presidential bid (he won’t). This is Henning’s region to lose, and I’d be shocked if he doesn’t win at least 75% of the vote in this match-up.

Who Should Win: Lynn Henning
Who Will Win: Lynn Henning

2) Scott Anderson vs. 3) Graham Couch

The defending champion has continued his dominance thus far in the tourney, abusing his opponents in a fashion similar to what he did to his blow-up sex doll, “Kinky Kim.”

Scott “the Virginal Manatee” Anderson cruised by Mickey Redmond and Rico Beard in rounds one and two respectively, setting up a match-up with first-time contestant Graham Couch.

Relatively unknown to voters outside of the DSR’s inner circle, Couch has advanced this far in the tourney primarily because of fellow contestant Brian Cook of MGoBlog tweeting out the match-up to his followers.

However, that extra support doesn’t diminish Couch’s worthiness of this spot. Between shilling for MSU athletics at every opportunity (namely, him running to defend Connor Cook whenever possible), fist-bumping Joe Rexrode after MSU’s victory in the Elite Eight, and bombing MLK Day, Couch has a truly spectacular resume.

That being said, he is no match for Anderson. The “Sexless Whale” continued his crusade against math and salads this past year, reaching a low point when he admitted that he had no idea what WHIP was. Even though Anderson would still likely defeat Couch with thousands of crazy MGoBlog followers backing the Lansing State Journal columnist, the tournament committee has decided that voting for this match-up will take place on Facebook ONLY. With that stipulation, expect Anderson to receive well over 80% of the vote.

Who Should Win: Scott Anderson
Who Will Win: Scott Anderson

E.J. MITCHELL REGION

1) Terry Foster vs. 5) Pat Caputo

In a battle of talking head imbeciles from 97.1, Terry “Five-Tool” Imbecile” Foster looks to advance to the next round by besting “The Pamphlet.”

This is a matchup of two former Fucked-Up Four finalists who have always enjoyed great success in this tourney.

Both have demolished their respective opponents leading up this battle, but the visibility of Foster will be tough to beat.

Who Should Win: Terry Foster
Who Will Win: Terry Foster

2) Helene St. James vs. 6) Marc Fellhauer

It is amazing to the DSR elite how well Fellhauer has done in this tourney since his introduction to the public in 2013 on 105.1.

He has made the “Shitty 16” every year he has been eligible. Three for three. Pretty damn good accomplishment for a sidekick.

(There have been seven media members to make it to the “Shitty 16” in all four years we have run this thing: Drew Sharp, Lynn Henning, Scott Anderson, Pat Caputo, Terry Foster, Chris McCosky and Mitch Albom. Just like Fellhauer, Vincent Goodwill was three for three in years he was eligible.)

But his frat-boy mentality doesn’t play well on a website that absolutely cannot stand FRATERNITIES.

Meanwhile, his competition in this game is the first female entrant into the “Shitty 16.” (We don’t count Sara Fouracre because her berth occurred on the back of Bill McAllister.)

Can Helene Scarf James break the glass ceiling and become the first female to reach the Fucked-Up Four? Her presence as the worst Red Wings beat writer should gain her that notoriety but we are dubious of her chances.

Who Should Win: Helene St. James
Who Will Win: Marc Fellhauer

RONA DANZIGER REGION

1) Chris McCosky vs. 4) Tom Mazawey

One of the more fascinating matches ever in this round. One of the disphits whose mere presence was the impetus to start the DSR versus the dumbest human being in this market.

Seriously, Mazawey’s sports takes make Foster look like a member of MENSA. The man is wrong every single time he opens his mouth.

And do we even have to bring up his humiliating concierge service of lowering your cable bill, shopping for the elderly and helping your kids take a load off? Like, how not delete that website already?

And Mazawey is facing a man who threw a celebration when Brad Ausmus wasn’t fired. The biggest apologist for every team he covers.

Good luck voting between these two lunatics.

Who Should Win: Can’t Go Wrong Either Way
Who Will Win: Tom Mazawey

2) Anthony Fenech vs. 6) Rod Allen

A drunk-driving, sexual-harassing stalker up against a slapdick who can’t comprehend basic math principles.

This should be the end of the line for the man relegated to only 60 games this season in the Fox Sports Detroit booth.

Fenech’s finishing move of flipping his P.T. Cruiser on you while telling you he is better looking than you makes the Rock Bottom look like child’s play.

Who Should Win: Anthony Fenech
Who Will Win: Anthony Fenech

JASON DIXON REGION

1) Drew Sharp vs. 5) Gregg Krupa

An unrepentant plagiarist versus a dude who openly cheerleads for the Red Wings in the press box.

That’s how bad this town is. THIS ISN’T EVEN CLOSE TO BEING THE FINALS!!!!

Who Should Win: Drew Sharp
Who Will Win: Drew Sharp

2) Mitch Albom vs. 3) Matt Dery

You know the committee purposely set up the bracket so the fidget who stated that he only believes rape victims if they donate their legal winnings to charity could play the duplicitous scumbag who called an alleged sexual assault victim “loose.”

This is the National Organization for Women’s favorite tourney game ever and the winner should have to meet the same fate as Vito Spatafore in the finale season of the “Sopranos.”

Who Should Win: Matt Dery
Who Will Win: Matt Dery

And now, enjoy the brackets from the first three years of this tourney.