By Montana Prince’s Ex-Girlfriend
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
February 2, 2015
[Editor’s Note: The following “Pros and Cons” breakdown of the 64 participants in the DSR’s Detroit Worst Media Tournament was mostly written by DSR contributor, Montana Prince’s Ex-Girlfriend. Moss also assisted in penning some of this.
And considering that Montana Prince’s Ex-Girlfriend is trying to get into the sports media business, please assume that anything vitriolic or excessively mean was written by Jiff Myst and not Montana Prince’s Ex-Girlfriend.
Hell, we can’t even use Montana Ex-Girlfriend’s real name because any association with this site could kill his career that hasn’t even started yet.
The picture above is of Montana’s real girlfriend — just in case anyone is wondering and wants to punch him in the face.
Anyway, here is a thumbnail sketch of all 64 entrants looking to be crowned the Worst Detroit Sports Media Personality for 2015. You can check out the full bracket here.]
Mitch Albom
Detroit Free Press
#1 Seed (Eric Pate Region)
Pros: Won’t block your view if he’s sitting in front of you at a concert.
Cons: Two words. Doctor. Football. While Mitch has taken a more, shall we say, “hands off” approach to covering Detroit sports since “The Five People You Meet In Heaven” was made into a TV movie, his contract with the Free Press states that he has to publish a certain number of columns each year. What was Frodo’s solution? Writing a weekly column full of inane jokes and even more inane takes. Albom’s work was so intellectually insulting that multiple national sports media members publicly mocked it. At this point in their respective careers, I would rather have Jack Kevorkian write a weekly sports column than Dr. Football. And “Dr. Death” has been dead since 2011.
Ryan Wooley
97.1
#16 Seed (Eric Pate Region)
Pros: Has a better voice for radio than Jeff Riger, which is clear whenever they work together.
Cons: So would Fran Drescher.
Bill McAllister
97.1
#8 Seed (Eric Pate Region)
Pros: Not Sara Fouracre.
Cons: You mean other than the fact that he’s a “personality” on a sports station who doesn’t know anything about sports?
Tom Gage
Detroit News
#9 Seed (Eric Pate Region)
Pros: No longer the Tigers beat writer.
Cons: See: McCosky, Chris.
Ryan Ermanni
105.1 and Fox-2
#5 Seed (Eric Pate Region)
Pros: He’s not his brother.
Cons: A racist, homophobic, degenerate gambler with zero knowledge or ability to perform admirably in any field, Ermanni is not only a shitbag of a media member, but also a terrible human being. Perhaps his most disgusting moment came this year when he publicly stated on his radio show — which barely qualifies as a “public” forum — that he knew about the sexual assault allegations against Brendan Gibbons “a long time ago.” http://detroitsportsrag.net/ryan-ermanni-a-total-disgrace-to-mankind/
John Keating
Fox Sports Detroit
#12 Seed (Eric Pate Region)
Pros: On screen for only a few minutes a night.
Cons: His questions are such softballs that even Don Kelly could hit one. Also, fuck Don Kelly.
Anthony Fenech
Detroit Free Press
#4 Seed (Eric Pate Region)
Pros: “The Beast” is probably the best source of hilarious real-life material the DSR has had in a while.
Cons: Fenech might be the only young baseball journalist in America with an understanding of the game that would be right at home in 1920. And since he’s young, he will probably be filling papers with drivel for the foreseeable future. Well, unless he gets behind the wheel of another PT Cruiser, that is.
Bernie Smilovitz
WDIV-4
#13 Seed (Eric Pate Region)
Pros: Honestly, Bernie does a pretty good job in my book.
Cons: Shani Inge.
Tom Mazawey
105.1
#6 Seed (Eric Pate Region)
Pros: Really fat, so he might die soon.
Cons: Thought that Justin Verlander should have gotten the Game 1 start over Max Scherzer in the playoffs. Thought Victor Martinez should have been MVP over Mike Trout. Got completely embarrassed on a national stage. Wants to “unwind your kids,” whatever THAT means.
Dennis Fithian
97.1
#11 Seed (Eric Pate Region)
Pros: Holy shit, Dennis Fithian is only an ELEVEN SEED??
Cons: Nothing. As in, he is a nothing person who doesn’t matter. He only got an eleven seed not because he’s any good, but because nothing he did in 2014 mattered at all.
Rod Allen
Fox Sports Detroit
#3 Seed (Eric Pate Region)
Pros: Talks during Tigers games instead of farting directly into the microphone.
Cons: Would probably be better at his job if he farted directly into the microphone.
Brian Chapman
97.1
#14 Seed (Eric Pate Region)
Pros: Huh?
Cons: Who?
Shawn Windsor
Detroit Free Press
#7 Seed (Eric Pate Region)
Pros: Actually wrote a very interesting and informative piece on former Michigan star Roy Tarpley and the science of addiction a few weeks ago. Lost a ton of weight on the Subway diet.
Cons: Dumb idiot apologist who is wrong about EVERYTHING.
Jennifer Hammond
Fox-2
#10 Seed (Eric Pate Region)
Pros: Probably not a member of Boko Haram.
Cons: Subjected us all to the mental image of Dom Raiola pumping away on top of her … OH GOD. MAKE IT STOP.
Drew Lane
105.1
#2 Seed (Eric Pate Region)
Pros: Slowly creeping towards death, as we all are.
Cons: Out-of-touch, misogynistic moron with reprehensible views on the Jameis Winston rape case. Drew was supposed to be the crown jewel for 105.1 during their switch to an all-sports format. Instead, his laughable ratings and even more laughable sports “knowledge” have probably doomed PD Jason Dixon and the format on 105.1 altogether.
Ansar Khan
MLive.com
#15 Seed (Eric Pate Region)
Pros: Supremely adequate.
Cons: Doesn’t really bring anything special to the table. There isn’t a lot to knock Khan for, but nothing to praise him for, either.
Chris McCosky
Detroit News
#1 Seed (Meat Shop Region)
Pros: He hasn’t killed anyone in a car. Yet.
Cons: Look, McCosky getting the Detroit News’ Tigers beat writer position would be bad no matter what, but this miserable piece of shit getting the job over Tony Paul? Fucking inexcusable. McCosky is the worst kind of journalist. The one who is so lazy and stupid that he just takes whatever ownership gives him and regurgitates it onto the page. McCosky is a mean, stupid jackass who defended the Tigers after their EMBARRASSING playoff loss to the Orioles by hollering about the four straight AL Central titles. Which might be an ok argument if any of those had ended with an ACTUAL TITLE. McCosky is such a loser that he’ll probably be the first #1 seed to be voted out.
Sam Webb
WTKA
#16 Seed (Meat Shop Region)
Pros: Webb is pretty good at covering U of M and he once obliterated Terry Foster and Matt Dery
Cons: Kind of a Wolverine slappy.
Matt Shepard
WDFN & Fox Sports Detroit
#8 Seed (Meat Shop Region)
Pros: Easy to ignore. I mean, how many people know that WDFN is still a sports station? Anyone?
Cons: Matt “Sheep” Shepard had some truly awful takes this year that might have earned him a higher seed if anyone actually gave a shit about him. From defending Tony Dungy’s comments about Michael Sam to defending Brady Hoke throughout the entire Shane Morris concussion saga so he wouldn’t hurt his chances at the UM Football gig, Shepard is a good underdog pick.
Eric Thomas
97.1
#9 Seed (Meat Shop Region)
Pros: Completely and totally irrelevant. So irrelevant that Moss labeled him “Eric Flint” in the first rough draft bracket.
Cons: Just listen to this.
Kurt Mensching
Bless You Boys and Bit Part in Wedding Crashers
#5 Seed (Meat Shop Region)
Pros: Probably not gonna steal your significant other anytime soon.
Cons: Might steal your kid, though.
Jerry Green
Detroit News
#12 Seed (Meat Shop Region)
Pros: Essentially retired at this point.
Cons: Apparently immortal.
Tim Twentyman
DetroitLions.com
#4 Seed (Meat Shop Region)
Pros: Good at his job.
Cons: His job is being a paid propagandist for the Lions. While he technically isn’t a journalist, he pretends that he is — which is almost worse. Seriously, dude takes a check from Bill Ford. And gets bonuses when the Lions advance in the playoffs. Well, he would…if they ever did.
Ted Kulfan
Detroit News
#13 Seed (Meat Shop Region)
Pros: I don’t know who this is.
Cons: Basically Ansar Khan on a tape-delay.
Vince Ellis
Detroit Free Press
#6 Seed (Meat Shop Region)
Pros: Marginally better than Vincent Goodwill.
Cons: The company man to Goodwill’s Joe Dumars cultist act, Ellis continually spits out what he is given by the Pistons’ front office while simultaneously NEVER breaking Pistons news. This includes a hilarious episode in which Ellis and Goodwill didn’t find out that Pistons’ forward Greg Monroe had been pulled over for drinking and driving until NINE MONTHS after the fact. And they only found out about Moose’s contemporaneous lack of bladder control because SOMEONE ELSE HAD BROKEN THE NEWS. Ellis is absolutely worthless. Frankly, he deserves “better” than a 6 seed.
James Schmehl
MLive.com
#11 Seed (Meat Shop Region)
Pros: Kind of a funny-sounding last name.
Cons: Like Anthony “The Beast” Fenech, Schmehl is a young moron. He LOVES to regurgitate meaningless nonsense in a desperate attempt for web clicks.
Dan Leach
97.1
#3 Seed (Meat Shop Region)
Pros: Very easy to catfish.
Cons: Leach is a fucking psychopath who lives in a motel room, talks about banging hookers, pisses himself and makes batshit crazy Vines and Tout videos. Likely murderer.
Michael Stone
97.1
#14 Seed (Meat Shop Region)
Pros: Not Bill or Sara.
Cons: Old and terrible.
Helene St. James
Detroit Free Press
#7 Seed (Meat Shop Region)
Pros: Will probably never be on TV again.
Cons: A walking, talking Ken Holland press release. Loves scarves, which are an annoying and worthless clothing item. Does zero actual analysis and shills for the organization.
Mickey Redmond
Fox Sports Detroit
#10 Seed (Meat Shop Region)
Pros: Not unspeakably terrible, but still terrible.
Cons: Total homer, probably more so than any other Detroit TV broadcaster. Probably should be higher for blocking Chris Osgood from working more.
Scott Anderson
97.1
#2 Seed (Meat Shop Region)
Pros: Easy to beat in a race, be it on foot or to get in a girl’s pants.
Cons: This fat, cross-eyed virgin had yet another banner year for the committee to admire. I think these ACTUAL SHOW TOPICS from Karsch and Anderson speak for themselves. Who has the best bread? Would you hook up with a woman with 3 breasts? What local community has the craziest parents? Is the SI cover jinx for real? Who is the next victim? Were you a Champ or Chump of the grill yesterday? Peter Griffin or Homer Simpson?
Anderson also doesn’t know how WHIP is calculated. That’s right, Scott Anderson doesn’t understand how to calculate the statistic WALKS PLUS HITS PER INNING PITCHED. (Tomorrow, Justin Spiro will be making a more impassioned plea for Anderson to win this tourney.)
Jim Brandstatter
Michigan Radio Network and Lions Radio Network
#15 Seed (Meat Shop Region)
Pros: Has never, to our knowledge, written an article on how black people should be proud that they like fried chicken.
Cons: A perfectly good color guy, Brandstatter was a complete disaster as the play-by-play man this year. Sounds like he is going to die at any second.
Lynn Henning
Detroit News
# 1 Seed (Jon Paul Morosi Region)
Pros: Good political beliefs.
Cons: The odds-on favorite to win this tournament, Lynn’s slow descent into complete madness was on full display this year. He accused anyone who criticized either him or the Tigers organization on Twitter of being poor ‘ol Jeffrey Myst, despite often obvious signs that the people criticizing him were real.
Henning also displayed a stunning inability to be right about anything in applauding the horrendous Doug Fister trade; mocking the Price and Soria trades; and continually touting the Tigers’ farm system. You know, the same one that ESPN’s Keith Law just ranked as THE WORST IN BASEBALL. Oh, and he said Joba Chamberlain would get $40-50 million as a free agent this year. How does this guy still have a job?
Mike Valenti
97.1
#16 Seed (Jon Paul Morosi Region)
Pros: Hands down the best sports talk radio personality in the market — when he is alone and gives a shit.
Cons: Frankly, I think this is too low of a seed for Scarface Valenti. While he is the easily the most entertaining and insightful person that 97.1 employs, he is often either zoned out on air, or trolling UM fans on Twitter (and then quitting Twitter because people got too mean). Should rightfully be in the “You Should Know Better” Region.
Mark Snyder
Detroit Free Press
#8 Seed (Jon Paul Morosi Region)
Pros: Not totally stupid.
Cons: Conspired with Michael Rosenberg on the Rich Rod hit-piece, which will probably earn him 8-seeds in this tournament until he dies. You really aren’t supposed to consider his abhorrent behavior regarding that witch hunt because it didn’t occur in 2014 …. but on the other hand … how can you not? Also, he looks like a weasel you’d hit with a shovel if he were milling around your garage.
Jim Price
Tigers Radio Network
#9 Seed (Jon Paul Morosi Region)
Pros: Has become more critical when Tigers either play poorly or make stupid mistakes. Raises money for autism.
Cons: Tends to repeat himself. Says the same thing over and over. Uses catchphrases, like the “art of pitching,” way too much. He’s repetitive. Says things like “nice area” over and over. Repetitive. Repeats himself. Eats while he is on the air. Eats while he is on the air. Have we mentioned the “art of pitching”? The DSR is a nice area.
Mario Impemba
Fox Sports Detroit
#5 Seed (Jon Paul Morosi Region)
Pros: Better than Rod Allen.
Cons: Shills for the Tigers on a nightly basis, sometimes by completely ignoring huge stories in favor of painting the Tigers organization in a positive light.
Paula Pasche
Oakland Press
#12 Seed (Jon Paul Morosi Region)
Pros: I don’t know who this is.
Cons: Seriously, no clue.
Terry Foster
Detroit News, 97.1 & Mariachi’s Cantina Proprietor
#4 Seed (Jon Paul Morosi Region)
Pros: Really, really easy to laugh at.
Cons: Foster once again backed up his reputation as the single dumbest member of the Detroit sports media this year, from his nearly incomprehensible blog; to his third failed business venture; to his Twitter feed, which is so bad that it could easily be mistaken for absurdist art. Still, Foster never really had a standout moment this year, which may result in the champ being dumped out of the tournament earlier than ever before. (Foster won it all in 2014 and was the runner-up in 2012.)
Mickey York
Fox Sports Detroit
#13 Seed (Jon Paul Morosi Region)
Pros: Solid, albeit a bit boring at times. A Rich Man’s Rob Otto.
Cons: Yet another shill at FSD. Corny as hell.
Jamie Samuelsen
97.1 and Detroit Free Press Website
#6 Seed (Jon Paul Morosi Region)
Pros: Goddamn, this section is really getting hard to fill out.
Cons: Has a personality so bland it can be used as a palate cleanser. Has red wine parties at his house. Just fucking horrible.
Rick Mahorn
Pistons Radio Network
#11 Seed (Jon Paul Morosi Region)
Pros: Won an NBA title with the Pistons in 1989.
Cons: Unbelievably lazy and clearly doesn’t give a shit about his job, although he would probably still suck even if he did.
Pat Caputo
Oakland Press and 97.1
#3 Seed (Jon Paul Morosi Region)
Pros: I got nothing.
Cons: Winner of this year’s Raggie for “Worst Take by a Pundit” for his asinine take that Ndamukong Suh is overrated. An awful writer and terrible radio personality who basically lets his listeners (all five of them) pick his show topics while he bullies poor Dennis Fithian into submission.
Craig Monroe
Fox Sports Detroit
#14 Seed (Jon Paul Morosi Region)
Pros: Has a great method for acquiring heavily-discounted clothing.
Cons: He is fairly dim and is an absolute shill for the team. Understands neither basic math nor the art of not getting caught.
Rob Parker
WDIV-4
#7 Seed (Jon Paul Morosi Region)
Pros: No longer on national TV.
Cons: Still on in Detroit, where he makes crap up on Sports Final Edition. Might have owned the worst Hall of Fame ballot in 2014, where he included Lee Smith.
Jason Beck
Tigers.com
#10 Seed (Jon Paul Morosi Region)
Pros: He reminds Moss of one of his favorite Howard Stern “Wackpackers” …. Medicated Pete.
Cons: He’s a paid shill.
Vincent Goodwill
Detroit News
#2 Seed (Jon Paul Morosi Region)
Pros: He is leaving Detroit in a week or so to cover the Chicago Bulls for a website partially owned by the Chicago Bulls.
Cons: He is well-prepared for his next gig of shilling for Jerry Reinsdorf by virtue of spending the last three years fellating Joe Dumars. Actually wrote that Stan Van Gundy “handled” Josh Smith incorrectly. Complete apologist for the Pistons’ previous regime.
Tony Ortiz
97.1
#15 Seed (Jon Paul Morosi Region)
Pros: Pretty friendly to the DSR even though he works at The Ticket. Professional broadcaster.
Cons: If Tim The Size of Twentyman has a massive coronary, he could step into that job as Ortiz is a HUGE Lions slap.
Bob Wojnowski
Detroit News and 97.1
#1 Seed (You Should Know Better Region)
Pros: Good writer when he actually cares — which hasn’t occurred since John Kerry was running against George W. Bush.
Cons: One of the worst Twitter feeds known to mankind. Purveyor of awful jokes. Has been mailing it in for years. Never takes a controversial position or utilizes his bully pulpit for good. Has made an inordinate amount of money between his radio and paper gigs, has neither a wife nor kids but STILL isn’t willing to put it all on the line. The primary reason we created a “You Should Know Better” region because Wojo could be an agent for good instead of another cog in this awful machine.
Trevor Thompson
Fox Sports Detroit
#16 Seed (You Should Know Better Region)
Pros: Has very good taste in porn.
Cons: We only know about his very good taste in porn based on his Twitter Favorites page, which he clearly didn’t know everyone could see. Never critical of the local teams, which is basically a job requirement.
Mateen Cleaves
Fox Sports Detroit
#8 Seed (You Should Know Better Region)
Pros: Won a national title at MSU. Helped embarrass Mitch Albom by making a change in his travel plans years ago.
Cons: Pistons apologist when you can actually decipher what he is trying to say on the broadcast.
Chris Iott
Detroit News and 97.1
#9 Seed (You Should Know Better Region)
Pros: His straight Tigers write-ups could be worse.
Cons: Bland and usually defends the Tigers no matter the issue. Loves to fly under the radar by not making any sudden moves. Boring. Zzzzzzz. Likes to complain when breaking news occurs and it interrupts his dinner plans. Probably wouldn’t handle covering the war in Syria well, especially if kindapped by ISIL.
Matt Dery
105.1
#5 Seed (You Should Know Better Region)
Pros: Once was a good source for Moss until that lunatic started publishing private emails and direct messages between the two.
Cons: A big phony. Acts like a huge Detroit sports fan on the radio when he really doesn’t care. Obviously reads Myst’s Twitter feed — even though he blocked him — for opinions that he espouses on the air.
Angelique Chengelis
Detroit News
#12 Seed (You Should Know Better Region)
Pros: Seems like a good friend to Wojo.
Cons: Totally whiffed on the Michigan coaching search. The platonic relationship Tweets between her and Wojnowski are nauseating.
Matthew B. Mowery
Oakland Press
#4 Seed (You Should Know Better Region)
Pros: Nobody reads the Oakland Press.
Cons: Where would one begin? Another Tigers apologist. A complete tool. His catchphrase when Victor Martinez gets a hit (Batador Profesional) is douche chill-inducing. Loved himself some Don Kelly…Even more than the rest of the awful media in Detroit. Thinks everyone on social media might attempt to kidnap his child and has 911 always at the ready on his cell phone. Is horrible and the only thing protecting him from a higher seed is his anonymity.
Rico Beard
105.1
#13 Seed (You Should Know Better Region)
Pros: Sits with Ryan Ermanni for a few hours a day and somehow doesn’t choke him to death. Must have great restraint. Seems like a generally nice guy.
Cons: One would have to listen to this show to know any “Cons.” We couldn’t find anyone who does.
Jeff Seidel
Detroit Free Press
#6 Seed (You Should Know Better Region)
Pros: His columns on California Chrome’s Michigan connections weren’t terrible. Is the best sports columnist at his paper.
Cons: Everything else he writes is horrid. Guy doesn’t know sports. Has a worse sense of humor than Michael Rosenberg … if that can be believed. Seidel is terrible and is only the best columnist at the Freep because the other two are Drew Sharp and Frodo Albom.
Mike O’Hara
DetroitLions.com
#11 Seed (You Should Know Better Region)
Pros: Even though he writes for the Lions website and takes a paycheck from the Ford Family, he still writes critical things about the organization.
Cons: That happens very rarely. What a sell-out ho.
Drew Sharp
Detroit Free Press
#3 Seed (You Should Know Better Region)
Pros: His head acts as a solar panel.
Cons: A total clown and coward. A troll who doesn’t believe half of the shit he writes. Still thinks the Doug Fister trade was a good deal for the Tigers. Proclaimed that Jim Harbaugh would never coach at U of M — and then didn’t show up for the presser announcing Harbaugh was hired by his alma mater. Mocked the Big Ten all year only to watch Ohio State win the National Championship. Duplicitous scumbag.
Justin Rose
WXYZ-7
#14 Seed (You Should Know Better Region)
Pros: He isn’t Brad Galli.
Cons: A total MSU slap. We aren’t sure why he is in this tournament now that we think about it.
Doug Karsch
97.1
#7 Seed (You Should Know Better Region)
Pros: Probably would have done a better job than Jim Brandstatter if he had been given the U of M radio play-by-play gig because nobody could have been worse. Made fun of Scott Anderson for being a virgin. On the air.
Cons: Traitor. Another math denier. Detroit sports apologist.
Marc Fellhauer
105.1
#10 Seed (You Should Know Better Region)
Pros: He isn’t Drew Lane.
Cons: Thinks homophobia is funny. Sports knowledge is lacking, which wouldn’t be a problem if he wasn’t on a sports station with a co-host who knows even less than he does.
Dan Miller
Fox-2 and Detroit Lions Radio
#2 Seed (You Should Know Better Region)
Pros: Solid play-by-play for the Lions. Quality news reader on Fox-2.
Cons: Earned the #2 seed in the “You Should Know Better” bracket by giving a weekly platform to some of the favorites for this tourney via HIS Sportsworks program. While Miller is better than about 99% of the people in this bracket, his loyalty to morons like Foster, Caputo, Samuelsen and Sharp can no longer be ignored. Like Wojo, Miller has become a huge part of the problem instead of a part of the solution.
Jeff Riger
97.1
#15 Seed (You Should Know Better Region)
Pros: Asks tough questions in media scrums. Seems like a hard worker.
Cons: In 2012, Riger was a member of the Fucked-Up 4 mainly because of his take that Tomas Holmstrom had a better Wings career than Sergei Fedorov. That HORRENDOUSLY AWFUL take has been expunged from his record, though, and he is now a 15 seed in 2015. This is a clear indication that the DSR rewards improvement.