By Justin Spiro
SpiroJus@GMail.com
December 29, 2014

A few weeks ago on the DSR Facebook page, early handicapping for the Worst Detroit Media Personality Tournament began in earnest.

Without revealing too much, it is safe to say Lynn Henning will come in as a near prohibitive favorite to claim the dishonor, a worthy addition to a clubhouse featuring previous “winners” Michael Rosenberg and Terry Foster.

After extensive discussions with the DSR Elite, Henning’s status as the favorite was clearly without contention.

Don’t look now, but here comes Foster looking for a repeat.

Foster claimed the previous Worst Media Personality crown in a landslide, but has been relatively quiet in comparison to the other usual affronts to journalism (i.e. Henning, Vincent Goodwill, etc.). Simply put, Foster has been mostly under the radar.

Let’s not get it twisted. Foster HAS had a good season.

He laughably went on a crusade trying to get Cam Newton fined, suspended, and impaled for being a “racist”.

He decided ALS was a hilarious disease and that fighting it is dumb.

He continued to insist Foster’s Smokehouse turned a profit, even though the ownership group stiffed contractors and Uncle Sam alike.

But Foster’s season has been like Miguel Cabrera’s 2014 campaign. Sure, a .895 OPS is not bad, but we’ve seen better from the guy.

Then, Mariachi’s Cantina entered our lives. Jeff Moss has already covered the brutally racist décor, the manager quitting before the place opened, and the cringe-inducing decision by Foster to collaborate with Ryan Thierry on ANOTHER business endeavor.

You know, the same Ryan Thierry who allegedly put a well-respected contractor into a chokehold because he had the gall to politely request payment for services rendered.

The DSR recently obtained an exclusive photo of Thierry assaulting the poor contractor from the Harbaugh source.

What Moss has yet to comment on is the Yelp reviews of Mariachi’s Can’tpaytheirbills. Back in the day, we all got a real good chuckle over Foster’s Smokehouse and their pathetic 2-star rating on the well-known customer-driven website.

A DSR member reviewed his experience in which his son had become so ill from consuming Foster’s Microwavedhouse fare that a trip to the ER was considered. Somehow, that was one of the friendlier reviews.

Surely, things could not go any worse for Foster’s new restaurant. Or they could, because Foster is an absolute disaster of a human being with less business sense than Ralph Kramden and Gil Gunderson.

A quick review of the early Yelp reviews for Mariachi’s yields gut-busting (pun intended) returns.

There have been five reviews so far and they ALL have been for ONE STAR. Even when angry Michigan football fans organized an Amazon.com review sabotage of Michael Rosenberg’s book a few years back, they mixed in a couple of two-stars.

Multiple reviewers likened the food to a worse version of Taco Bell. There is a worse version of whatever Taco Bell is?

Being called a “worse version of Taco Bell” is like someone telling you that your voice is a “worse version” of Jeff Riger’s.

“I was then sick to my stomach the cheese was terrible it was like cafeteria cheese at my middle school we will never go back.”

To be fair to middle school cafeteria cheese, I ate it often and never felt sick.

“The shredded beef was a scary grey that made me feel as if it was canned or from some sort of frozen beefsteak.”

I am no Wolfgang Puck, but I am guessing that having your food described as “scary” is bad.

This house of culinary horrors could not last a week without people knocking each other over to post negative reviews. Or maybe they were trying to reach the nearest toilet. Either way, I find myself refreshing the Yelp page constantly, hoping for a new review to post. Not since Tracy Flick paced the hallways of Carver High has someone so eagerly awaited results trickling in.

What was the ONE thing that could revive Terry Foster’s bid to repeat as Worst Media Personality Champion? Another failed restaurant. Isn’t Foster the greatest?

Back in April, the DSR (ironically, in hindsight) paid a mariachi band to serenade Foster with “One Shining Moment” while he received the trophy for Worst Media Personality.

What will happen next? Could Foster have a 2nd “shining moment”? Can the mariachi band learn to play, “Oops, I Did it Again” in time for the next trophy presentation?

I am giddy with excitement.